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How Much Land does a Man Need?
A movie adaption of the short story of the same name by Leo Tolstoy

Cast

Pahom- Andrew Reilley

Pahom's wife- Sierra Mangus

Turkish Landlord- Nick Medina

Wife's sister- Jessica Cornelius

Aggravated Land Owner- Garrett Reilley

Randal- Himself


Scene One
(Pahom's house; wife is washing dishes while Pahom lounges on the couch: doorbell rings)

Wife
That must be my sister! ( fixes her hair then opens door ) Hello.

( The sister is from the city therefore considers herself to be very civilized and considers those from the country beneath her )

Sister
What a dump! I mean... so nice to see you! How long has it been?( they walk into the kitchen )

Wife
I don't think we've seen each other since you moved to the city. How've you been?

Sister
Great! I live in the lap of luxury, I possess a husband who does all the work while I have tea with my friends, and every Friday I go to the Cyber Cafe to entertain my adoring fans with my karaoke. How have you been?

Wife
Can't complain. I also have a husband who works hard, but he isn't the only one who toils in the sun. If anything, I work more than him. I look after the children and do all the chores that need to be done around the house. But it's no so bad, we aren't rich but we never go hungry because we grow our own food.

Sister
Hah! I'd rather be filthy rich instead of a filthy peasant! You act like you're proud of your husband who digs up his food from the ground like the pig he is.
Wife
( indignant that her husband has been insulted )Well, our life may be a poor and simple one but at least we are free from temptation. Whereas your husband, with his money, could buy beer, gamble your fortune away, or pay as many prostitutes as he pleases!

Sister
Well, I never!

Pahom
( still on couch thinking to himself ) It's true. Though we are poor, we aren't troubled by such nuisances. Only thing is we don't we don't have much land, if we had enough land everything would be perfect. Then we wouldn't eke out such a meager existence. ( cut to Pahom raking gravel, plants seed then waters the gravel, then sits and waits for about 15 seconds. All the while Pahom's face is expressionless. Cut back to Pahom on couch )

Scene Two
( the farm where ALO and Pahom are arguing)
ALO
How many times have I warned you to keep your cattle off my land Pahom?! This is it, the final straw, I'm going to fine you good and proper! Hopefully you'll have learned your lesson.

Pahom
Oh, please no! Not again! It wasn't my fault this time I swear!

ALO
You've given me no other option!

Pahom
We can't afford to pay you, the money you're demanding goes to the feed for the cow, whose milk we use to keep our children healthy!

ALO
You think I haven't suffered? Because of all the times I've fined you, I've been bombarded by charities because I'm getting rich off you! After all the times I've slammed the door in their pleading faces I'm starting to get carpal tunnel in my arm. Now pay up! ( Pahom pulls out a wallet and hands the ALO a feeble amount of change who pockets it )

Scene Three
( Pahom is seen talking to his brother-in-law but there is no audio )
Cue Card
Word had spread throughout the town that a neighbor of Pahom was selling their land. Eager to improve his impoverished lifestyle, Pahom borrowed money from his brother-in-law. ( Pahom is seen bartering with Randy next to a horse pen. Pahom points at the horse, and Randy nods. Again there is no audio. ) He also sold his horse in order to be able to afford the small plot of land. ( Cut to Pahom walking through an orchard with a shovel on his shoulder inspecting fruit. ) The land was fertile and produced enough fruit to make a small profit, which Pahom was content with, until one day.....



Scene Four
( Pahom is walking along a road to his house when Randy passes him pulling a wagon or
pushing a wheelbarrow that is filled with boxes )

Pahom
Hello. Where are you going with that load?

Randy
To the land flowing with milk and honey, to the Green Valley, the Land of Opportunity!

Pahom
You're going to the U.S.A.?

Randy
No, the U.S.S.R.!

Pahom
I believe it's Russia now.

Randy
Shut-up.

Pahom
Why are you heading over there?

Randy
Because they are fools! Vastly generous fools. Tell me, my myopic friend. How much land do you own?

Pahom
I own a lovely piece of land of about twelve acres. Why?

Randy
And for how much did you pay for this minuscule piece of land?

Pahom
I got it at a discount for one thousand rubles. Why?

Randy
I have stumbled across a piece of information that's priceless.

Pahom
Surely it could cost no more than fifty rubles.

Randy
Maybe my memory would restore itself for an extra fifty.

Pahom
This had better be good. ( hands Randy some money ) So what is this piece of costly information?
Randy
The money you just handed me, is enough to buy one thousand acres of land where I'm going.

Pahom
Do you mean that for one thousand rubles, instead of twelve acres, I could buy ten thousand?!

Randy
You have a sharp mind, with that brain swindling those fools out of twice as much land would be as easy as winning a stupid contest.

Pahom
( thinking to himself ) I've got to get that land! But I don't know the way, maybe I'll ask him. (out loud) May I accompany you on your journey?

Randy
It'll cost you a hundred.

Pahom
Wait here until I come back. ( runs to house )

Randy
Every hour I wait it'll cost you another hundred. ( Pahom growls )

Scene Five
( Pahom's house, Wife is in the laundry room. Pahom enters and starts frantically stuffing the folded clothes into a suitcase)

Wife
Pahom, I just washed those. Wait, what are you doing with that baggage? Are you packing?

Pahom
Yes.

Wife
Are you leaving me?

Pahom
Yes, but only for a short period of time.

Wife
How long will you be gone and where to?

Pahom
I will be traveling a long distance, I'll be gone for at least seven months.

Wife
But why are you going?


Pahom
A once in a lifetime opportunity has presented itself.

Wife
Is it another woman?

Pahom
Of course not. It's land, miles of it. We could be set for for the rest of or lives, living in the lap of luxury.

Wife
But we are set for life, don't mind what my sister said, she's a fool. Look at what we already have, a healthy amount of land, we're in the black, just how much land do you need?

Pahom
As much as I can get. ( finishes packing and grabs some money )

Wife
But how will I manage until I get back?

Pahom
Just do what you normally do when I'm not home. ( exits quickly before Wife can respond )

Scene Six
( Pahom walks to Randy who is still by the house )

Pahom
( eager ) I got all I need, let's go c'mon.

Randy
A-a-ah. My money. ( holds out hand while Pahom pays up ) With interest. ( Pahom hands over some more ) Now we're ready. ( They start off. )

( A montage of them walking along the outskirts of Fillmore that are less populated. At an intersection near Charlie's house they stop. Pahom takes his bag off the wagon and turns away to leave but Randy taps his shoulder and holds out his hand. Pahom rolls his eyes and puts a dollar in Randy's hand, which quickly returns to Pahom's hand as it's tied to a reel. Pahom promptly runs away having finally outsmarted Randy. All this is to the tune from The Sting)

Scene Seven
(Pahom is tired and walks to the lot next to Charlie's where he sees the Turkish Landlord who is playing guitar and singing gibberish)

Pahom
Uummm, hello.

Nick
( responds immediately and energetically ) Hello!

Pahom
( looks awkward for a moment ) I have traveled far to take advantage of your stupidity...........generosity.

Nick
( scoffs, then in normal voice ) You and everyone else who thinks we're a bunch of fools.

Pahom
( stutters ) I d-don't think.-

Nick
I make joke! You like?

Pahom
( hesitantly ) Yeesss?

Nick
( deep voice like an Indian chief ) Very good, you have pleased my ancestors. Come back early tomorrow and you may claim your land.

Pahom
Why can't I buy it now?

Nick
( menacingly ) Oh, trust me. You'll want the extra rest.

( Pahom leaves badly shaken by Nick's multiple personalities )

Scene Seven
( Early morning. Pahom once again approaches Nick who is in a meditative position )

Pahom
I would like to buy the land now.

Nick
( like Yoda ) I sense that you are impatient. Hmmmm, clouded your future is.

Pahom
I've got a thousand rubles for ten thousand acres, will you take it.

Nick
There is another option.

Pahom
Can I get even more land?

Nick
Yes, but-

Pahom
I'll take it.

Nick
Very well. ( stands up then talks a la Jack Nicholson ) Here's the deal man. You give me the ten grand and you can walk in a big circle and everything in that circle is yours.

Pahom
( suspicious ) What's the catch?

Nick
You gotta get back here before the sun sets or you go home with nothing. Are we clear?

Pahom
Ye-

Nick
Are we clear?!

Pahom
Yes....sir.

( Pahom starts warming up as the Rocky theme song begins. He goes down the hill and is abruptly stopped by a chain-link fence. Rocky song stops with a needle scratch, then Pahom turns around to go back uphill. Front view of hill as Pahom runs up and over it. Music starts again to “Gonna Fly Now”. As Pahom runs around music gives way to “Eye of the Tiger” )

( Various locations: farm, my house, Central, Grand ,Telegraph, across river, Goodenough, maybe Bardsdale )

( At one point Pahom is running behind Central Market and goes into portapotty which at that point music abruptly stops then picks up off where it left off when he exits )

( shots of Pahom running up to the camera from the same distance with him in the center )

( Near the end of the song Pahom notices the sun going down. Next shot is him going towards the hill. Panting frantically the speed slows and the Chariots of Fire song plays. Nick is furiously cheering him on but only the music can be heard. At the crescendo Pahom trips and lands on the hill just in time. Pahom is exhausted looking up but smiling faintly. A heartbeat can be heard steady then fast and loud then slows to nothing. Pahom's eye is enlarged during this then glazes over as he dies.)

Cue Card
All the land he really needed was six feet...............and five inches.



THE END