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Random Thoughts


Mesu-San
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Chapter 1
"I'm not staying here anymore!" I screamed at my mom. "I hate it here! I wish I had chosen to go live with Dad!" I meant what I had said, I knew that I would regret what I had just said later on. I felt waves of guilt wash over as my mom's face fell, but no. I wasn't about to let myself fall apart, not now. She'd find the words to say that would get me to stay, I knew she would. "Y-you don't love me do you?" She stuttered, I sighed and reassured her. "Mom," I started. "I love you, its just, I'm tired of it all. Everbody won't leave me alone. I've been labeled as so many different things and I can't stand it! Trust me, the sooner I'm out of here the better; for the both of us. You'll hear the rumors the minute I'm gone.
I ran outside and put my bags in the cab. I checked for my ticket and money, but they weren't there. "Hold on." I said, "I forgot my money, I'll be right back." I ran back into the house and got what I needed. My money, ticket, passport, and my I-Pod. I stuffed all of it in my purse and ran back out of the door once more. Once settled in the cab, I heard the driver ask, "Where to miss?" I jumped and replied, "Fort Henry Airport, please." I sighed once the cab started to move. I must have dozed off at some point because the cabbie woke me up. "We're here, wake now sweetie." He said. I sat up and paid the driver, and got my things out without a word.
As soon as I went throught security I boarded my plane to Canada, to my father; to home. I brought all of my luggage with me and sat in my first class seat. I laughed to myself as I remembered that I had saved up so much money for that ticket. "It better be worth it." I muttered to myself. I buckled up and waited for the plane to take off. After a few hours on the plane it landed. Once my luggage was together, as I walked into the main room of the airport I saw a middle-aged man holding a sign that read my name in big, bold black letters.

"TRINITY SUMMERS"

I walked up to the man and said, "Hi, I'm Trinity Summers. I guess my Dad sent you to pick me up?" The man chuckled a famililar laugh. I managed to stutter, "D-d-dad, is that you?" He laughed once again and said, "I thought you had forgotten all about me. I was shocked when your mother called and said what had happened. Here, I'll take your bags. We have alot to catch up on Trinity, a lot."
The ride back home was quiet except for when he would ask simple questions. At one point he cleared his throat and stated, "I enrolled you into Edmonton High, I think you'll like it there, small town, small school. Umm..... I kind of also bought you a car." He glanced at my expression quickly. "Dad, you didn't have to get me a car. I can walk to school. You know that just as well as I do." I told him. "But are you more than willing enough to walk four miles just to get to school?", he asked. I shuddered at the thought of it. "I didn't know it was that far form home. Thanks Dad, really thank you." That was all I could say, I was still shocked.
After the hour long drive from the airport we arrived home. I was home, I was finally home. Nothing could ruin this moment. The house was exactly the same way it had been when I last lived there. It was still painted a bright, creamy white color and the only thing that was different about it was the fact that the steel bars that had once covered the windows were no longer there. "Trinity, why don't you get your things settled into your old room. I'll bring your car around to the front of the house for you. Ok?" My Dad suggested. "Yeah, sure Dad." I said. "Oh, by the way here's your key." He tossed a key over the car so it landed at the foot of the steps.
"Oh yeah, fifty points!" I heard my Dad yell. God, my Dad is so weird, I thought to myself. I wonder what's next, street racing maybe? I laughed queitly as I gathered my things and got them into the house. As I looked around the living room I sighed. It was just the same way it had been when I left. It still had the tacky, black velvet furniture, and the photos of mom and dad's wedding sitting on the self above the fireplace. As I looked around I noticed a new addition to the living room; Dad had bought a tv.
I heard a low, lifeless horn blare through my peaceful silence, then I heard my my dad yell, "Trinity, come on out!" When I did, I was greated by a big, black Chevorlet. I couldn't help it, I had a truck of my own. I felt as if I could drive to China and back in a matter of minutes, I was so happy. "Wow Dad! I love it! Thank you so much!" I said. Laughing and out of breath my Dad said, "Your welcome. So umm..... What's for dinner?"
I laughed and replied, "Dad you haven't changed one bit. I just want pizza, I'm so tired." Dad chuckled and agreed with me. "Yeah, I'll help you bring your bags upstairs then I'll go and get some pizza. How does that sound?" "Pretty good." I chuckled. "Dad, I want the good kind. You know, the one with all the cheese in the crust? Mom stopped letting me have pizza and sodas a long time ago. I miss pizza and coke." I stated. Dad laughed and replied, "Pizza, sodas, what's next? You'll be spoiled the next time you see your Mom again."
Dad left me to unpack alone while he left to go and buy pizza and sodas for us. I went and took out my I-Pod, then opened up one of my bags and got out my alarm clock, then set it up and plugged my I-Pod into it. I put my clothes in the dresser and closet and put my bed set in the washer. I walked back upstairs and turned off my I-Pod just as Dad walked through the front door.
I went downstairs and ate in silence. After I had washed my plate my Dad asked, "Trinity what's wrong? I left for half an hour and your just so depressed now." "No, I'm okay Dad." I said. "It's just that I a song that brought back some bad memories. That's all, I'm going to go ahead and go to bed, thanks for dinner. Night Dad." "Alright, goodnight kid. See you in the morning then." I went upstairs and got in my pajama's then set the alarm. After that I crashed on the bed in silent tears and cried myself to sleep.





User Comments: [1]
SisterMoon
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comment Commented on: Sat Oct 20, 2007 @ 10:07pm
Very nice! I love it. It instantly grabbed my attention from the beginning with your main character already in dialogue in the first sentence,

Quote:
"I'm not staying here anymore!"


It kept me in focus the whole time and I could instantly picture the whole story from the very first scene to the last when she went to bed, crying herself to sleep in silent tears. Very well put.


I read your story and I saw some errors and I went ahead to help out with corrections in case of you have to turn in another copy as well like a rouch draft or something. These are just my opinons and such, so don't feel obligated to follow through with my suggestions. sweatdrop Especially since I'm no teacher!



You have some punctuation errors, spelling errors and some repetition of words that need deleting:

Quote:
I wasn't about to let myself fall apart, not, not now.


Quote:
You'll here the rumors the minute I'm gone

xp I think you meant hear, not here! LOL!

Quote:

I've been labeled as so many different things things and I can't stand it



Quote:
middle-aged man holding a sign that read my name in big, bold black letters. "Trinity Summers"

Nothing bad here, but you should make her name the way you described it:
TRINITY SUMMERS or Trinity Summers
A lot of writers use this in their writing as well for visual effect. Works pretty well.



Quote:
I kind ofalso bought you

wink Remember to space btwn words.


Quote:
You know that just as well as I do." I told him., I told him. "...-walk four miles just to get to school?", He asked.

Remember to put a comma in btwn the dialogue and the cognitive response. You've actually got a couple of these unless you're trying to write in a specific format? question


Quote:
the steel bars that had once covered the windows was no longer there.

Replace with were. Was is more for singular use like, "It was no longer there." For plural, "They were no longer there."


Quote:
God, my Dad is so weird, I thought to myself.

wink Remember to Italicize thought speak.


Quote:
the photo's of mom and dad's wedding

confused a little confused here. Do you mean Mom and Dad's photos or photos of mom and dad? The way how you put it made it seem like the photo had ownership.


Quote:
I looked around the living room and sighed, it was just the same way it had been when I left.

I suggest inserting 'As' in front of "I looked around" if you want to keep one sentence or insert a period where the comma is, so as not to make it a run on sentence. Teahcers despise that.


Quote:
It still had the tacky, black velvet furniture, the photo's of mom and dad's wedding sitting on the self above the fireplace.

Insert the conjunction 'and' to replace the article 'the' b/c you're only listing two objects, not three since your third object (the tv) is listed in the next sentence:
As I looked around I noticed a new addition to the living room; Dad had bought a tv.


Quote:
I put my clothes in the dresser and closest...

xp Ha ha! whee I think you meet closet, not closest! LOL!





biggrin You have the usual writing errors like most writers, so you're deffinitely not bad at all.

Sorry if I was too picky. I didn't meant to be. I'm sure if you were to look back through this, you'll probably xd laugh at me point out some stuff that I did!

Which btw, I write poems every now and then and I'm thinking about posting some. redface sweatdrop Would you mind doing a little peer critiquing on some of my writing as well?

surprised One more thing!
Another thing that I really liked about your story was that the reader could really feel the mood and the tone of the story. It was a constant smooth flow of transitional emotion that wasn't overbearing or so abstract that it kept you guessing on how the mood outght to be. Especially, when Trinity was unpacking and then went downstairs and ate in slinece. Very good transition. The reader could instantly tell the character wasn't feeling optimistic like before.

Also, you have a very good sense of imagery as well. Like I mentioned before up top about how it kept me focused the whole time.
For example:

Quote:
"I felt waves of guilt wash over as my mom's face fell-..." , "...-a middle-aged man holding a sign that read my name in big, bold black letters." , "tacky, black velvet furniture-..." .


I could vividly see what Trinity could see.

sweatdrop Heh, heh...uh... sorry this is so long, but it's been a while since I've read anything that sparks any interest. Unless you want to count manga xp
whee I l heart ve Fruits Basket...

Anyways, hope to hear from you soon!

-ยกCiao! cool


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User Comments: [1]
 
 
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