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idk why im typing this but im hoping someone gets something out of it..

this school year was such a piece of crap. I cant even describe how glad i am that its over. a part of me is sad, you know, never going back to NCCS again, i mean there are definately some people i love there. It's like i went to NCC for so many reasons. one being the idea of a fresh start, not that i really NEEDED one, just i thought it would be interesting to change it up. But looking back i've realized that this year has taken away so much from me. I completely changed as a person. I'm not the same person i used to be. A part of my old self is still there but most of my personality and characterists left. I've come to the conclusion that ultimately, i can only be happy if i'm determined to. After i found out my mom had brain tumors and my nonno was in the hospital i didn't really WANT to be happy. And thats why i wasn't. I love acting but im not the type of person who will sit with a smile on there face knowing that someone they love's life is on the line. I just can't do it. I think its hypocritical and horrible to act like it doesn't have an affect on you, and that you're lying to yourself, and completely confusing your emotions. i have no idea whyyy im even typing all of this.. but the things i used to LOVE to do i've lost the confidence in. And im just realizing what a huge impact that has on me. The best piece of advice that i have for anyone is to realize that there are plenty of people in the world who don't want you to succeed. I know in my life i've come across so many people who have tried to stomp out my dreams and tell me what i am and what i'm not. And I know i've become ten times more critical of myself than i used to. I kinda lost my carefree attitude when it comes to things like acting and singing. Singing especially. I've always felt like somethings been holding me back. that i cant just completely let loose and show people what i can do. So whenever a performance came up i'd feel held back, worrying about what people would think, and didn't sing like i knew i could. And its still a bit of an issue. I dont know. its like you can't let peoples opinions get you down. Because then you start to believe it, and you're confidence goes way down. Whenever i'm in a class or PE or like young rep this summer, i feel HORRIBLE when it comes to doing stretches. because i cant physically even touch my shins barely. And i used to be able to almost do a split. But ever since i woke up and couldn't walk, i havent been able to stretch or do anything. And its embarassing and honestly most of the time i seriously just want to break down in tears because i get a lot of crap about it. Like a coach or teacher will be like "come on you can stretch farther than that you're not trying." and i have to constantly say "no im trying. i just CANT." and its humiliating. i know its such a small thing but it makes me feel horrible because i come to the reality that things i used to be able to do i cant anymore. its hard to explain. I dont know its just like i've become so incredibly sensitive to everything. And i've become really independent. I seriously dont do well with rejection either. Like it can seriously get to you. Becuase you feel like you're not good enough. I dont know where it comes from. probably from my parents because its really hard to get their approval for anything. Like i can get a 3.9 GPA and its not good enough. only a 4.0 is worth anything. I mean i know so many kids who BARELY pass their classes, i could have easily done that too and had a better time, but i didn't. But i've decided im DONE trying to seek other people's acceptance. It's a waste of time thinking about what everyone else thinks. because ultimately if you really want something, you can do it. And it sounds cliche but its so true. Like i've prettymuch decided that i want to pursue a career in some form of entertainment. Which is definately NOT what my parents want. They want me to be what they want me to be. But ive realized that as im getting older, its not about what they think, but its just not going to happen because i dont want it. I want to perform and do something that makes ME happy. Do something to please myself. not them. I'm tired of pleasing other people. Which is kindof why i'm hesitant about devoting my concentration to cooking.i dont know. I'm scared crapless about the future and i hate thinking about it. because theres no guarantee its going to be there. And really what i want to do is move to new york or LA and start to pursue my dreams. so thats what im gonna try to do. and if it means i go to highschool part time i dont care. becuase who knows if im gonna get to live out my dreams when im older. I dont know. Maybe my expectations and goals are bigger than they should be. But no one got anywhere by holding back. If you know theres something you like, go for it. dont waste your time with things you dont like. Time is the only thing we cant get back, and i dont want to waste mine. I've already wasted this entire year. and what did i get out of it? nothing. and what did i lose? my confidence, personality, and self in general. Another thing is about friends. I've prettymuch decided that ultimately you have to be your own best friend. Because ultiamtely you're the only person who can change the way you feel and understand what you mean. Idk. I mean i have really close friends. but some of them, not all, have been so two-faced. And i've put up with it, but im over it.. And im really disappointed in one of my good friends for 1: lying directly to my face multiple times and 2: being such a flat out two faced lying b***h. i wish i could find better words than that but i just can't. in particular im mad at her for attacking another person who doesn't do ANYTHING to her. if shes even reading this but seriously i know shes a better person than that. idk im just tired of sitting quiet and acting like i dont care. and im tired of tolerating such bullshit from people. not saying everyones like that. because there have definately been some amazing people that i've come across. idk im just so sick of fake people and people who think that being mean will help them climb the social ladder. and i think too many of us care about where we are socially. honestly after highschool no ones gonna give two shits about what we did in highschool or who we were. but we're so critical of ourselves and others. and thats what i think is the biggest problem with people lately. we judge eachother and ourselves way too much.