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I used to laugh at the people who couldn’t keep the easy things going in a relationship. For me it wasn’t always easy. But I always found a way to pull through. And now it hits me. Im the one crying for help this time. So whos laughing? I don’t know what to do from here. Im lost. Im empty. Im confused. It seems so surreal. Everything vanished from my hands in a matter of seconds. My heart seems black. Like it crumbles to ashes before my eyes, at the slightest touch. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, but this time it hurts. Its painful. I toughed it out before. I didn’t choose the best ways- but I did it. Now im stuck. Im cornered. And I don’t know how to let it go. I want to turn back to the things I did last time, but that was just another entrance to hell, and im not going back. I wont. I refuse. But I cant run from reality. I cant change time. And I cant change the past and the choices I made. I believe everything happens for a reason. But wheres the reasoning here? I don’t see it. Not the slightest bit. So if I cant run- where do I go? If I cant change time- Who do I trust my hour glass with? And if I cant change the choices I made- how do I learn to live with knowing I made the wrong ones? How how how. That’s all that’s going through my mind right now. How could I have let this happen. How could I have been so ignorant. How could I have not seen it coming. How could he have seen it like that and its been almost a month. How can I change. How can I change the things I do. How could I have been so blind. How could this disappear. Its not happening. “Its already happened. To late. Face it erin. Hes gone. Not coming back. And you cant do anything about it.” That’s what something is telling me. But I don’t want to believe it. I wish there was a way out. A way to change everything. Start over. Completely new. No scars. No memories. A whole heart to give. Unbroken boundaries. Unbroken walls. A place to feel secure again. I just wish it never happened. Maybe if I could have one more chance- I could do things better. But then again- I don’t want that. I want to live with the things that happen. They just make me a stronger person. I want to live with the choices that I have made. They just teach me the better things in life. I want to live with the fact that things come and go. And nothings here to stay forever. Ill have to learn that. Eventually. And I shouldn’t be crying right now. I had the chance to experience something that changed my life. Changed my view on people. Changed my everything. Changed everything for a good reason. I guess im just being prepared for the rest of high school. A.k.a- the never ending heartbreak.

6/11/07-7/09/07 sad