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OK, not so lon ago i was going througgh an angsty, emo 'i hate theworld' phase. I'm still not entirly through it, but what helped me a lot was writting. I wrote fandfictions, stories and even one or two poems. This is one of the poems. It's written about two boys, but the feelings are kinda my feelings (even though i am a girl).

Straight (a whole lot harder)

Isn’t it harder, now you’ve kissed that straight guy?

A whole lot harder, now you love that straight guy.

You had the opportunity to tell him. But then you’d just have lost him faster. Could have done it in the classroom, where he couldn’t scream at you. You didn’t. Could have done it in private where no one else would hear. You didn’t. Coward.

Oh but how much harder is it, now you love that straight guy?

You knew the score. Understood what ground you stood on. His feelings lie with girls. Not with you. Who can blame him? You stupid slut, who would ever fall for you? Least of all a straight guy. Could have fallen for one who loved you back. You didn’t. Could have chosen not to fall at all. You didn’t. You chose these stupid, foolish thoughts and feelings.

Wasn’t it easier, before you loved that straight guy?

You kissed him. Why? You never stood a chance. Maybe you thought he’d love you back. You loser. Too naïve to see the truth. Too weak to resist temptation when it stared you in the face. Could have walked away. You didn’t. Could have settled for a hug, and let your mind wonder. You didn’t. And for what? He, too drunk to realise at the time, doesn’t even remember.

Even so it’s harder, knowing you kissed that straight guy.

You’re chasing ghosts. False hope on fleeting glances. Those hugs are purely friendly, you fool! You’re allowed to love him, but damnit, like a brother. Could move on. You don’t. Could simply confess. You don’t. You want to hide away, protect yourself from what you know he feels. Filth.

It’s a whole lot harder, because you love that straight guy.

You know this is bad. You always will. It’s sick, wrong, disgusting. You disgust yourself. They’ll all turn away. You crave their attention. Could drown your memories in fake uncaring. You do. Could hide your pain with smirks and laughs. You do. Grow up. Wake up. This love is unrequited. That means it’s not returned! Can’t you just accept that? Many girls would die to have you.

But oh boy…you just had to fall for a straight guy…