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Now now my story The line between Heaven and Earth is still up so please check it out! Also I am into my little Avi Art thing so the Avi art i bought is on display as well!
The line between Heaven and Earth… Chapter one


Disclaimer: This is not a POTC thing, but I might refer to some of the pirate rules and other Davy Jones things but all in all you will not see Captain Jack or the other loving characters. Sorry, well if you badly want a POTC based story this may soon change I might… still thinking about it… Well again you won’t meet pirates till the second chapter anyways. One more thing this story will switch off between two characters, the first Sophie and then her sister Kassandra. Well the story begins. Please leave comments! The more comments the faster i will update!

As the tide on came in so did a body of a girl no older then 15 drifted upon the island. There was no one there to mourn for the lifeless body, so she just lay there as the vultures came. Above the earth a man sits counting all who is lost and will never return at sea. He sits there welcoming all the dead pirates and whoever just happened to die on a boat. This is the line Sophie is standing in quietly. No, she wasn’t a pirate, but she did die in the sea. As her turn came up the man looked at her and sighed. ‘What a shame so young..’ he must have thought. “Love what might be your name?” He said as nicely as possible. How nice can you be when telling a person they just died? “Sophie, my name is Sophie _____. “Well, Sophie Welcome to Heaven.” Pointing to a door her motioned for her to go through.

The second she stepped through everything changed. Her hair and everything else was clean and she was wearing a pure white gown. The doors lead to a forest type setting. She gasped at the beauty. But she didn’t know where to go so she turned around to go back through the doors but they disappeared. “Heaven? This is more like Hell..” She said out load as she walked through the dense forest. Before long she saw a women picking flowers. But her gown was well black. “Excuse me!!” She yelled and ran toward the women. The old lady looked up. “Oh dear, what a young girl.” She said softly not loud enough for Sophie to hear yet.

“Miss, can you help me I am lost?” Sophie said kindly relived to find other person on this land. “Yes, yes of course here come with me to my house and I will help you.” The old lady smiled and started to walk to the village. It was surprisingly crowded with many people both young and old and several middle aged. “Wow, there are a lot of people here.” “Oh yes deary this is a major port for the dead.” The lady said it so causally as though she had been there so long that she couldn’t remember the real world. “The dead..” Sophie repeated trying not to cry as she remembered her only reason for living her sister. The old lady noticed that she was new probably killed hours before.

“Here is my house please come in and I’ll explain as best as I can, love.” She said going into a small house that was on the outskirts of the town. They have been walking for maybe an hour or more she couldn’t tell anymore. The house was nice and small perfect for an elderly woman. They entered the house, and to the right there was a kitchen, which the lady walked into. “Here sit, my name is Annabel Florence, but please call me Annabel, I died 80 years ago off the coast of Singapore with my ship that was under attack by the company. I ended up here and lived here for 80 years. Well no make that 75 years I was on an other island for some time trying to relax or a couple of years but came back to the city where I belong.” Sophie was shocked she thought that once you died that’s it there was no more happiness, the after life’s was going to be dreary. “So, there are other places to go to?”

“Oh yes! Love many places, everything a heart desires, anything you want you may have everything is free to anyone there is no jail no gallows no anything.” She said smiling as she went to put a teapot on the stove. “What about the people that died on land?” Sophie knew her mother died in her own bed next to her and her sister.
“The land people are on the other side. You can get to them but its easier to just go to the information building which in the middle of the town and they hold records where everyone is and they will take you there.” Annabel said while starting to pour the tea into cups for herself and Sophie. “Are you trying to find someone?”
“Yes, my mother died in the house and I was wondering if she was here?”
“Dear, one more thing, some people don’t want to wonder around this dead place so they put themselves into a sleep and never wake up.”

Sophie looked at the old lady, trying to understand that there is a way to stop living totally.
“Its worth a try to find her, I have so many questions left unanswered.”
“Well that’s one good thing about being dead, you can talk to other dead people and find things out.” She smiled and sipped at her tea.
“Oh dear I forgot!” she got up suddenly and went to the cupboard. “Cookies for the tea!”
Sophie laughed and drank her tea. She wanted to go to the building and find out about her mother.






User Comments: [10] [add]
iReply
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commentCommented on: Sun Jun 03, 2007 @ 02:21pm
Thats pretty good.


commentCommented on: Sun Jun 03, 2007 @ 02:29pm
Not the greatest story ever, but shows some definite promise and is intriguing enough for me to comment and ask for more. *grins*

So... I think it's fairly good so far. heart



Rainbow Silhouette
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Smoothie De Bootie
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commentCommented on: Sun Jun 03, 2007 @ 05:58pm
Tis' pretty nice.


commentCommented on: Sun Jun 03, 2007 @ 06:06pm
Better than mine. You actually get comments from people besides your friends.



Lazy Chestnut
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golden_dreams
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commentCommented on: Mon Jun 04, 2007 @ 12:36am
Well, it's an okay-ish beginning. I think you can change this up a little, because it kind of seems.... unoriginal. And there is improper grammar here and there. Maybe describe your characters a little more so that we get a feel for what they look like. Also, at the beginning, do you really really mean "vultures?" Because vultures don't live at sea. Seagulls do, but no vultures. And Kassandra is MY name! ;D


commentCommented on: Mon Jun 04, 2007 @ 12:41am
Word choice and grammar are pretty poor. You might want to go back and reread this, several times, making sure that everything sounds right. It was a bit off-putting to see that even the first sentence needed to be reworded.

"As the tide on came in so did a body of a girl no older then [than] 15 [fifteen] drifted upon the island."

And that's just the basics of the basics. Effective writing uses a vast and varied vocabulary to not only tell a simple story, but paint a vivid picture with words. Ask yourself, how did the tide "come in"? Did it roll in, slowly and lazily? Did white-capped waved crash with the fury of a storm?

Over all, it's pretty dull and boring. I'm going to be honest and say I couldn't bring myself to read more than the first paragraph, so I don't expect to win any gold. I'm just thankful you seemed to use the "auto-corrections" of Word when you typed this, rather than the absolute s**t you posted in chatterbox.



Last Child of Gallifrey
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Forgetful Vengeance
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commentCommented on: Mon Jun 04, 2007 @ 12:57am
ah, I had something all typed up and I accidentally closed the tab >_< lol that happens to me so often its not funny.. anyways, i hope i can remember what i typed.

I think you have the start of something that could turn really good. I like that take you have on heaven here. Its not just the boring, usual white and fluffy clouds with not much to do but relax, you have something fresh.

You have quite a few grammar and punctuation errors going on here. Maybe if you want look it over again, or have someone you know, a friend or online friend, edit them?

Id like to hear some more decriptions about the chars. Whats the girl look like? her hair? size?

You have some good dialog going, but again maybe some more descriptions.

You could describe the envronment some more later on. Its heaven but i think you have a different view then white and fluffy and id like to know what it is. And is there a difference between the places where the people who died on land reside vs. sea?

I like the how you ended. Its not a cliffhanger, but you leave the reader with something intrigueing that they will want to come back to.

the two things I think you most need to work on though is your grammar/punctuation and decriptions. This could turn into something really good.

Now I kinda want to go write XD

I hope you have more up soon. Id like to read it [and maybe give you some critiques if wanted, I love to do that and edit ^^]

<3


commentCommented on: Mon Jun 04, 2007 @ 01:08am
3nodding not a bad start, but it seemed very short and there were lots of grammer mistakes. The story line sounds okay, but nothing seems very discriptave or detiled.

It dosen't tell how they look like or anything spesific about the setting. it's a "big town" but what kind? it it near the shore? I donno, there just could be alot more there. confused dose she have long hair? short? dark? light?

I personaly like really desciptave storys, ones where you feel like your really there. You should try doing something more like that.

With a few tweaks it would be really great, and it it dose seem like a story that could be very interesting. it's original and mysterious (and will have pirates aperently whee pirate whee )

and THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU for not putting an annoying agoniseing cliffhanger that for somereason writers think are needed to make people come back and read more^w^



GrayWolfShadow
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User Comments: [10] [add]
 
 
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