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Kitty_Katastrophe Vice Captain
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 Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 6:02 pm
Okay, now this first post will just be preparing you for what's ahead.
My story isn't extremely graphic or anything, but it does contain scenes of violence and eventually romance (If I can figure out who the main character will end up with). This is not intended for younger readers due to mild - and sometimes more harsh - language. However, I have tried to keep things toned down so I won't offend anyone.
This is the intro, or prologue, to my story.
I want you to be critical, but not outright mean. I want to know what I've done wrong, what I could change, and whatnot. This story is in the extreme early stages of development and thus is subject to change. I will notify you in the topic title if there was any editing involved.
Now, I hope you enjoy reading the intro to my story.
Even though it's crap... >>
~Kari~
PS: Please note, I didn't get the names/characters from anywhere or anyone in particular. I thought up this story a long time ago. Three or four years, in fact. I'm only just now writing it down.
-extreme laziness- @___@
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Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 6:04 pm
"I am not going! You cannot make me go!" A woman whispered in a hiss as she was half pulled, half pushed down the grey stone corridor. She was tall at 5'10." Her waist length hair was a striking shade of crimson to match her flaming eyes that were burning with fury as she fought him uselessly. She had always been pale, but sheer terror had whitened her further.
"Be quiet, Alyssa." The man who dragged her through the dark corridor's voice was controlled and unemotional, but his tense face was a dead give-away. His hair was a wispy brown, his eyes coal black. He was 7'2," broad shouldered and muscular, which would have been odd if it weren't for the fact that their kind was always taller than usual. Though he was usually a shade darker than the woman, this man was now so pale with fear that snow itself would look dark. But the fear he felt was not for himself. There was nothing he could do about that...
There were agonized screams far behind them, yet not as far as the last ones had been. They were closing in. He quickened his pace. She grimaced as they stopped at one of the many identical iron doors. "This will have to do." He told her, though his lips barely moved. Before he had even finished speaking, the door was swinging shut behind him and he was leading her to the center of the empty room. Though it was extremely heavy, it didn't make a noise as it should have when it banged shut.
The woman called Alyssa finally managed to yank her arm away from his grasp, and he allowed it. If she had not been weak with illness, she still would have been absolutely no match for him, strong as she was. Or used to be.
"I'm not going anywhere. I won't abandon you." Though her eyes and her words were filled with love for him, her words were spat out with resentment.
His left eye twitched in annoyance. "I am not asking your permission." He flexed his fingers, rolled his shoulders, then stretched his arms out toward her and closed his eyes in concentration.
Alyssa knew what he was up to, and she was having none of it. "Don't you dare!" She pointed a finger at him. Her nails were an inch long and painted blood red. "I want to stay here! With you!" His jaw tightened as he ignored her. "No! Gabriel! Please! Let me stay!" She pleaded with him. Whatever anger she had harbored before now fueled her rising panic. "Let me stay with you!"
"You will die if you remain here." He retorted coolly, as though they spoke of the weather.
"I don't care!" Her voice shook.
"I do." He began to mutter a complicated spell under his breath. Alyssa looked as though she wanted to cry, but no tears came to her.
There were sounds like sharp claws scraping on stone heading their way at breakneck speed. Gabriel didn't so much as flinch. Alyssa, however, began to shiver uncontrollably. The illness had made her weak, and such stress was too much for her. She almost collapsed right then.
That's when everything really started going downhill.
The scratching noises came to a halt outside the door. The sound of hungry panting was heavy in the air. Something began to pound on the iron door, which weakened the second the fists started hammering against it. Shapes like giant paws were imprinted into the iron. Except they weren't paws, exactly. They were just between what could be called the forepaws of a large dog or of a wolf's, and that of a human's. It was eerie.
"No, Gabriel! Why can't you come with me?" Her voice was barely more than a whisper as she watched the door with widened eyes.
Gabriel smile was forced, his eyes full of sorrow. "I am sorry, my dear." She gave a choking sound, as if she were fighting back a sob. "I can send only one, and that must be you. They will never leave if I don't die."
It amazed her at how easily he said it. She gaped at him. Before she could say anything, there was a flash of light that blinded Alyssa for a moment. When her vision cleared, she saw that the door was about to give way to its attackers. A second flash and she could literally feel herself fading away. She turned back to Gabriel. Before she could get a good last look at him, there was a third flash. She heard him say goodbye, and she waited for her vision to clear, but it didn't. She opened her mouth to tell him what, she didn't know. Not to do this? To change his mind? Or was she planning on resigning herself and telling him goodbye, knowing she would never see him again? Either way, her voice would no longer work. She couldn't make a sound.
There was a loud bang as the door was knocked off its hinges. Three triumphant roars followed along with their thundering footsteps. She heard Gabriel turn away to face his fate. She tried to scream, but again no sound emerged.
She heard more growls of fury as the group engaged in combat. He was only buying time, she knew, so the spell could reach full effect. The battle ended with an agonized grunt and a splattering sound, followed by a faint sizzling. What remained of the attackers shrieked their victory and turned to her. Gabriel was gone.
And so was she.
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Kitty_Katastrophe Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 8:35 pm
It's good! I like it, even though I don't know the characters it made me sad, which is good! You want to get the readers attached to the characters from the beginning that way even during the boring parts (which no doubt every book has lol) they will continue to read because they want to know what happens to the characters. Let me know when you post your next chapter, I am anxious to read!
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Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 9:01 pm
Oh my goodness, this is awesome, Kitty! I love it. Can't wait for the next chapter. x3
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Kitty_Katastrophe Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:19 am
Thank you. <333
I keep getting so many compliments. I've set it up in Koiji and then in Celsus, but people only commented in the latter.
Whee. A writer always loves it when people enjoy their work. <3
I'm working on getting the first chapter up, so hopefully it will be ready to be read very soon. -skips off to brain storm-
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:10 am
Lol can't wait to hear it!! Hey can you do me a favor? I posted my story as well, can you give me some feed back?
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Kitty_Katastrophe Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 4:20 pm
Thanks. x3
I did, just now.
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Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 2:15 pm
That was really good! I can't wait to read more!
Could you mabye read my story and tell me what you think, I just recently posted it.
Thanks!
And again, awesome story!!
4laugh
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Kitty_Katastrophe Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 11:15 am
Alright! This story is now in the Writing arena! Whee~
I'd love to get a rating. <3
Opinions = love
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