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OldaccountNoOneCaresAbout

PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 10:43 pm


Atryom
Aiden stood at his girlfriend's grave, and fought against the anxious turning in his stomach, willing himself to not vomit. Three years ago, his girlfriend Adara had taken the coward’s exit, using their car and their garage to asphyxiate her life away. And, now, Aiden was holding on by bloodied fingernails. But, he wasn't contemplating suicide. Responsibility kept those thoughts at bay. What tormented his soul, he couldn’t put a finger on.

His palms were sweaty, heart racing. The mid summer air was filled with dense humidity, making it almost impossible for him to suck enough oxygen into his struggling lungs. An anxiety attack, his head tormented by circumstances beyond his understanding.

Suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem, a mental illness. Aiden didn’t want to tell anyone that there was no mystery to be solved regarding Adara’s death. External factors did not force his girlfriend to commit suicide. It was an internal factor, the sickness in his girlfriend’s head. It was like a disease, it had affected him. But in a totally different way.

Aiden was dismayed that dusk was gathering. To him, dusk represented death, the death of day, the time when he couldn’t prevent himself from reflecting on bygone events and gloomily conclude that life was just a meaningless cycle of monotony followed by eternal nothingness. He couldn’t turn the tide and . . . and what? What did he want to do? He couldn’t figure it out. But, dusk taunted him, drowned him in its death.

Aiden was dismayed that dusk was gathering. To him, dusk represented death, the death of day, the time when he couldn’t prevent himself from reflecting on bygone events and gloomily conclude that life was just a meaningless cycle of monotony followed by eternal nothingness. He couldn’t turn the tide and . . . and what? What did he want to do? He couldn’t figure it out. But, dusk taunted him, drowned him in its death.

Aiden didn’t believe in God or any of that eternal crap. When his only love snuffed out her life, that was her finality, it was his as well. Weak people needed God, used Him as a crutch to explain away their misery instead of just sucking it up and forging ahead. Aiden’s beliefs caused him much anxiety and sleepless nights, worried about dying, but he couldn’t stop the tide from turning – bloodied fingernails or not.



So, thats like my first attempt at writing an introduction for my avatar. Its supposed to be like a vampire book thing, hence the funky clothing.

Tell me what you think!
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 5:13 am


I really like this as an introduction. It seems like it has many possibilities as to where you can go with this. It may not make a book (those are awful hard to stretch out) since a lot of the information is right there, but it would most definitely make a story of some sort. I like that.

Rainbeam
Captain


Wyrmyn

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 5:15 am


Well done, well done. It has a good and realistic feel to it.
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 9:30 am


Your writing style is impressive. Your diciotn and imagery...it all flows nicely. Well done.

Sakyh
Crew


Sexy_cream_cheese_bagel

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 5:05 pm


Fairly well written and pretty clever but i dont see how that would tie in with a vampire novel.
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 9:16 pm


Ok, so I was up a little late last night typing this out. Keep in mind, its just the start. There are lots and lots of revisions.

Oh, that reminds me. If any of you have any ideas, by all means, contribute.

Atryom
Aiden stood at his girlfriend's grave with his now only friend, and fought against the anxious turning in his stomach, willing himself to not vomit. Three years ago, his girlfriend Adara had taken the coward's exit, using her car and her garage to asphyxiate her life away. And, now, Aiden was holding on by bloodied fingernails. But, he wasn't contemplating suicide. Responsibility kept those thoughts at bay. What tormented his soul, he couldn't put a finger on.

His palms were sweaty, heart racing. The mid summer air was filled with dense humidity, making it almost impossible for him to suck enough oxygen into his struggling lungs. An anxiety attack, his head tormented by circumstances beyond his understanding.

Suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem, a mental illness. Aiden didn't want to tell anyone that there was no mystery to be solved regarding Adara's death. External factors did not force his girlfriend to commit suicide. It was an internal factor, the sickness in his girlfriend's head. It was like a disease, it had affected him. But in a totally different way.

Aiden was dismayed that dusk was gathering. To him, dusk represented death, the death of day, the time when he couldn't prevent himself from reflecting on bygone events and gloomily conclude that life was just a meaningless cycle of monotony followed by eternal nothingness. He couldn't turn the tide and . . . and what? What did he want to do? He couldn't figure it out. But, dusk taunted him, drowned him in its death.

Aiden didn't believe in God or any of that eternal crap. When his only love snuffed out her life, that was her finality, it was his as well. Weak people needed God, used Him as a crutch to explain away their misery instead of just sucking it up and forging ahead. Aiden's beliefs caused him much anxiety and sleepless nights, worried about dying, but he couldn't stop the tide from turning – bloodied fingernails or not.


The click of heels against pavement was lost among the city noise that night as a young figure made her way among the streets. Surprisingly alive for this time of night, the city was bustling with night life, just how the vampiress loved it. Nineteen possibly- at a stretch, if you didn't take into account that it was more than likely she'd lived longer than any mortal in the pathetic town. Although tonight her features were set in a sheer determination, she'd find some ammusement this time. A small smile curved her lips, an air of control about her. And her stride screamed confidence, as if she owned the place. Which, in all actuality, was a possibility. She was over these humans, this disgrace. It was a buffet, and she had endless choices. It was all business really, nothing personal.

Auburn locks fell about her shoulders, bright green eyes sparkling behind dead eyelids. Pale skin seemed to glow in the moonlight as she flawlessly parted the crowds, passing underneath street lamps, headed everywhere and nowhere. A silky red fabric stretched across her chest, the same in a black holding to the curves of her hips. Something made to entice the men, attract a meal.


Aiden's body was shivering, was it from fear of what he planned to do? Or from the sheer cold of the night. What was it with him, was he imagining things? It was a summer night, maybe the cold was in his mind. Feeling so alone for so long, must have stolen the warmth from him. All his happiness, as well.

He shook as much of his memories and pain away, for a short moment. To at least seem like a sane, caring young man. Aiden sighed, it was getting late. So it was probably time for him to head home. As he was preparing to turn, he heard the softest of voices somewhere in the darkness. Maybe it was just the night toying with him.

Somewhere deep inside, he knew it wasn't just the night. It was a creature of the night, a being so vile, so cruel, it didn't deserve to live. Aiden had found a note Adara had written to him a few months after she took her own life. It consisted of her apologizing for not being able to tell him herself why she wanted to die. Truth-be-told, Adara was a vampire. It was her first night being one with the night. And she couldn't take it.

Adara was out late one night, when she was fed upon. It took her a few moments, until she realized what had happened. And what it was that bit into her. She couldn't live apart from Aiden, she couldn't only see him in the night. She couldn't live without him, which is why she killed herself.

All this was written in the note. And at the bottom, it read:

'Cemetery' and some blurred out word next to it. Possibly a name.



The couple walking past the park, the intoxicated teens coming out of the clubs. It was all a game. All a game that Natalie knew all too well. She would even go as far as to call herself a master of her craft. So who would it be tonight? The innocent young man just entering a club for the first time, or the cocky bartender with eyes to kill. It would be a nice match, she had a smile that could kill. Literally.

Although as she walked the night streets, she remained undecided. It was as if there was something better, lurking around the corner. She would only settle for the prime, the select few. Maybe she'd be generous tonight, give someone the gift of eternity. An eternity of playing the game, perfecting your craft.



I'm still trying to figure out a better way to tie the paragraphs in together. So it makes it flow better.

OldaccountNoOneCaresAbout


Sakyh
Crew

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 9:33 pm


oooooooooo I like the addition! Does tie in nicely with it being a vampire story!
PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 1:33 am


wow man eek this was great........ especially liked his beliefs on the matter...

Micheal Azov


OldaccountNoOneCaresAbout

PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2007 12:03 am


Love the good reviews, but I seriously don't know where I can go with it now. I hate writers block, which is sheer irony. This section is entitled 'Writers Block'. *sigh*
PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2007 8:39 pm


Atryom
Love the good reviews, but I seriously don't know where I can go with it now. I hate writers block, which is sheer irony. This section is entitled 'Writers Block'. *sigh*


how far in the new section are you in?

Sakyh
Crew


OldaccountNoOneCaresAbout

PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 11:48 pm


I don't have a new section yet. I had some inspiration earlier, but I lost it.
PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 9:13 pm


Damn you and your cliffhanger!
I like the 'dead eyelids' and 'kill with her smile. Literally' bit.

Dawn of Decadence


OldaccountNoOneCaresAbout

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 2:58 pm


Who gave it a three? Wtf..
PostPosted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 1:27 pm


nice.

AvrageAbnormality


Neamhurchoid

PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 3:19 pm


The very thing you strive for ...

I absolutely love this story/potential novel thingy.
Eh, suggestions:
- Does Aiden meet her any time soon?
- Explain a little about what he's hearing, it might jolt you back on the right path.
- Seeing as it's a narrative, could you tell us something about Adara that possibly Aiden doesn't know?
- If the female vampire person is going to kill, or just bite or things, maybe you could do that scene a bit.

Can I ask another question? This character reminds me endlessly of a brothel owner. Maybe she's got minions ...

... is the thing that makes you blind
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Writer's Block

 
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