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If ever I would call love blind now is most certainly that time. Only now, when the heartache and the malice have been dealt, can I see how he played with my heart and my love for him. Even now threw all this pain I feel a tie to him that I’ll never be able to explain. This house, so cold and empty, mirrors the feeling of emptiness that resides deep in my chest; an abyss if you will. I can’t help but look at the phone as if by some chance he may hear my pain and call, but the silence echoes threw the house and I know this must be the calm before the storm. I sit here now holding this crumpled note still trying to understand what it was I’d done. I should have been a better girlfriend… I should have done something… Now all I have is a memory.

Invisible Truth
By: Azedeh Gagnon

It was July 16th 2007 and one of the most beautiful days I’d seen in quite some time. It might have complimented my mood nicely as coming home was always nice but over the past few weeks I’d been receiving calls from friends telling me things I knew weren’t true. No doubt some practical joke, or perhaps just someone looking to start a fight. I sighed lightly and pushed the thought of those things from my mind and pulled out a brush to work on the messy tangle that was my hair. It’d been a 17 hour bus trip from my dad’s house and we’d finally reached the town that would be my stopping point. I was happy I would see my mom. We lived in a small apartment in the Lower Mainland; Abbotsford was the city we lived in. My best friend Angie was there too, she and I were close and viewed one another as sisters, but my mom and my friend both took a close second in the reason I was excited. It had been a good 3 weeks since I’d seen my boyfriend Derik. He was tall and perfect; built would be how I’d describe him. He had about three years on me being 20 now but it really didn’t matter that much. He was my tall dark and handsome prince come to save me from... well life I suppose. Come to make my dreams a new reality. There was no doubt in my mind that he and I were in love and that somehow it would last forever. Just then my thoughts were disturbed by the bus’ movements jerked me about a bit as we entered the bus stop. I stood then and grabbed my bag swinging the strap over my shoulder and made my way off the bus. When I got off the light came too fast to adjust to and I flinched closing my eyes and as I did so I felt big warm arms reach around my waist and pulled me into a close warm embrace. I sunk into the all too familiar feel and smelt the all too familiar scent of his cologne and blindly reached up and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
“Is that all?” he asked with a playful smile and I felt instantly dizzy like he could always make me feel. Nothing more needed to be said. It was the most wonderful silence ever as we got my bags, got into his car and made our way back to my place. My mom met us at the door and gave me a hug then Derik and I retreated to my room. We sat there a long time on my bed. He was holding me to him loosely and I couldn’t help but think back to all the rumors I’d been getting.
“Derik?”
“Yes love?”
“Um… I’ve been hearing a lot of stuff lately and well…” I broke off what I was saying unsure of how I could approach this delicately without it sounding like I didn’t trust him or something.
“What kind of stuff?” he asked suddenly sounding almost cautious.
“Well that you were hanging around this girl a lot lately. Georgia I think is what they said her name was,” I tried my hardest to not sound accusing but I got anxious when he stiffened slightly and said nothing. “Don’t worry about it it’s probably nothing,” I said quickly to recover from the silence. He looked at his watch then and slid out from our comfy embrace, “I’ve got some errands to run… I’ll catch you later. I’ve got something romantic planned for us. We can maybe go catch a movie too. I’ll catch you later.” I went to walk him out but he was booking her more or less. When he was gone I felt a little hurt. ‘I really shouldn’t have done that. Now he thinks I don’t trust him and he won’t want to be with me if I don’t trust him’ I thought and went back to my room and picked up that phone dialing a familiar number.
“Hello?”
“Hey Angie, what are you up to?”
“Sarah? Oh hey man how was your trip?”
“Good”
“I’m going to go to the shooting range. Why don’t you grab your mom’s handgun and come too. It might be fun.”
“You have weird hobbies girlio” I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit to myself then thought about it. “Is Kyle going to be there?”
“Yeah he’s over here getting ready to go right now.”
“I think I’ll pass then.”
"Hey Sarah did you talk to Derik about that chick he’s been hanging with?”
“Yeah she’s no one. Hey I’ll catch you later.”
“’K bye,” Angie finished and we hung up and I found myself alone in my room again.

It was about a week after that and I hadn’t seen Derik which was starting to eat into me. I would have been alright with it if he hadn’t called on Tuesday and told me to meet him Wednesday night at the lake and I waited for a few hours on the bench where we always sat and he didn’t come. I convinced myself that I’d simply come too late or maybe he forgot. I told myself to go home and call him but my gut told me to wait. I did until night was firmly set all around me then Angie’s boyfriend Kyle showed up and found me sitting in the dark clutching my mid section to keep some warmth.
“Sarah? Man what’re you doing out everyone’s looking for you”
“Derik’s coming,” I said monotonously and he came and sat next to me and put an arm around my shoulder which made me stiffen up instantly uncomfortable, but too cold to reject the warmth.
“Sarah I just saw Derik at the mall. He was with his cousin, Georgia or something. He said they were going to the movies or something. He isn’t coming. In fact I don’t even think it was really his cousin. Can’t you see what’s happening?” I felt my heart twitch with a pain I wasn’t used to and forced myself to push his arm away from me. Kyle and I had been dating at one time and he still had strong feelings I knew, but I’d always been able to avoid him directly until now. “Where’s Angie?” I asked with little else to say.
“With your mom. Looking for you. Sarah, can’t you see that he’s not being faithful. You’re just giving yourself to him and he’s not even there to receive it. He’s off with some other…” I cut him off with a harsh glance and quickly jumped to my own conclusion of why he would say such lies. “Kyle… I know you’re still like... in love with me, but we’re over and I really don’t think you should be neglecting my best friend and your girlfriend just to break Derik and I up,” it didn’t sound right in my mouth, but there was no way I was going to let him down talk the man of my dreams. “Just take me home,” I said and stood up. I saw him nod from the corner of my eyes and stand and we got into his car and didn’t say another word. That was the last time I ever talked to Kyle or Angie. I carved them both from my life, and as much as it hurt to loose them it would only have hurt more to let them wreck the one thing I’d come to love. When I got home I said nothing to anyone and went straight to bed. I heard murmured voices out in the hall and also heard Kyle convince Angie to leave me alone for the night. That was all before I let sleep take me.

It’d been another week of an onslaught of callers coming to tell me the news of my relationship being a lie, but I didn’t listen. I was so sure that he would call and prove them all false in a matter of seconds; the only problem with that was simply that he hadn’t called. Through all this, not once had he clamed any of it to be false. ‘He’s testing me is all,’ I thought, ‘He just wants me to prove that I love him enough to give up everything for him.’ I felt like I was going insane. I’d become obsessed and I knew full well. When he comes back would he still want a wreck like me? I didn’t know but I told myself love would keep us together.
My mom came in then holding the phone in her hand covering the receiver and whispered, “Angie's on the phone again.”
“I’m not here” I said flatly as my heart sank in my chest. I never wanted to loose Angie. My mom spoke into the phone and hung it up.
“Hun have you talked to Derik at all lately?” she asked and I shook my head. She simply nodded and started walking away but came back. “Sarah, maybe you don’t see that there’s anything wrong because you can’t tell at all. All this stuff is coming from your friends. Go over and talk to Derik maybe? Then you can see for yourself” she left then, and I sat there with that thought and decided that maybe it was the best course of action. I went into my closet and threw on my jacket and picked up a pen as it fell out of the pocket and remembered I had been writing some stuff a while back so I shoved it back into my pocket along with my mini note book and was on my way.

It didn’t take long to make it to Derik’s house and ran a hand threw my hair and over my clothes to look as presentable as possible. When I rang the doorbell his little brother answered. The boy was about my age and a scrawny version of his older brother.
“Oh, Sarah, hi,” he said awkwardly.
“Hey Jess how are ya?”
“Uh, Good.”
“Is Derik here?”
“Um, yeah, but,” he looked unsure, but I didn’t think anything of it and simply slipped past him. “I’m just going to go say hi really quick ok?” I said and smiled back at him as I made my way down the hall not ready to take no for an answer. When I got to his door I stood outside a moment in silence before opening the door. It was too dark to see anything but I heard a slight rustle as I reached for the light not liking the lack of sight I regretted it instantly. I was face to face with something I was never ready to see. I didn’t see Derik right away. Only the perfect body of a girl I didn’t know then as she flinched pulling away what she was doing I saw Derik staring at me in utter shock though probably not near as much shock as I was in. My body couldn’t move and I was surprised no one else could hear the breaking that was going on in my chest. My mind raced trying to make sense of it but each thought only made things worse. Derik jumped up and moved towards me reaching out and grabbed my arms as though he would pull me into the warmth I’d always loved. It took me a moment but I tore away from him and my eyes found the girl. “You must be Georgia,” I said coldly and the look in her eyes changed and I knew it was true. Derik reached for me again and I looked at him now with tears in my eyes and shook my head. I slammed my hand as hard as I could into his solar plexus, which seemed to wind him, and then bolted. I ran home as fast as I could. I was trying to run away from this truth that should have been obvious, and was now that everything was out on the table. I reached my apartment building and fumbled the key into the lock. I went up and into my room throwing myself onto my bed. Something pushed up into my hip and I yanked the pen and notebook out of my pocket and decided to vent.

How Could I be so blind? So naive to what was right in front of me. How could I let myself be fooled? Weren’t we in love? Wasn’t everything perfect? I thought so, but I guess not… He loves her now. He loves this whore instead of me. I can’t wash her image from my mind. She was so beautiful. Skinnier, big blue eyes, perfect curves and probably his age too. How could I expect him to love someone like me? How could I ever have thought this might last? So childish. I’m sorry Derik.

Now holding that same blurb of writing I try to convince myself that it wasn’t my fault, but it feels that if I hadn’t done him wrong in some way we’d still be together. I have to believe that. It’s been two months since then and still my heart won’t heal. Still I feel the pulsing emptiness where he used to sleep; where my heart used to be. My mom’s at work and school has started. I suppose I should be there but there’s very little reason it seems anymore. I look now at my moms handgun laying as it has so many days on my dresser. ‘Can I live without him?’ I wonder as I glance down at the crumpled note in my hand. I pick up the weight in my hand just then and hold it and it’s as though it takes all the weight from me and keeps it captive as long as it’s with me. I hold the gun to my head as I have so many times before.
“I’m sorry…”
The End