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Raven Kouryuu

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 8:57 am


A/N: This is just a KH oneshot I wrote for the 4th of July. I haven't gotten a lot of feedback on it yet, so I figured I'd post it here and see if I get any. >_>
Inspiration music: Home- Chris Daughtry

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You sat on the small balcony that you had carefully erected on top of your house, waiting for the sun to fully set and the fireworks to begin. Today was the Fourth of July and in your town the fireworks lasted all night and you loved to stay up and watch them. But, it wasn’t just the fireworks you were waiting for anymore. It was three years ago that you took up waiting for a friend of yours, and though he had never been able to make it, you still never failed to set a place for him at the small table you had up here. A small smile crept to your lips as you thought about your friend. He was a piece of work, but despite all his quirks, he was a pretty good guy.

You tilted your plastic chair back slightly, thinking about how your life had changed in the three years you had known him. You had found him passed out in your living room and when you had tried to call 911, the power went out. So you had ended up leaving him on the couch until he woke up, though you had kept a knife on you, just in case. He woke up after a few hours and oddly enough, you had become quick friends with the redhead. Over the next week you learned about his being a nobody, and what that meant, and it had struck a chord in you. Ever since then you had offered him a place to stay when he needed it, encouragement, and any assistance that you could give. But, as is the way of things, your friendly feelings began to develop into something more, though you never said anything about it, for his sake. You had told him about the fireworks, and he promised that he’d do everything he could to show up and watch them with you one year, but it just hadn’t happened yet. You couldn’t hold it against him though, knowing what he was busy doing.

A shrill whistle and a bang snapped you out of your thoughts with a light jolt, causing you chair to fall forward again. While the sun wasn’t quite set, some people were already setting off some of their fireworks. This caused you to frown a little, as you resigned yourself to another year watching the fireworks alone. You weren’t sure why it bugged you as badly as it did, seeing as how you had always spent it by yourself. With a resigned sigh you grabbed a piece of pizza and put it on your plate, before cracking open a can of soda. You settled into your chair before pulling out your camera and getting ready for the fireworks to start. You were too focused on watching the sky to notice the soft footsteps that came from behind you.

“Don’t tell me you were about to start without me,” came a familiar voice from behind you. Startled, you jumped and turned around.

“Axel! You made it!” you shouted happily as you practically jumped out of your seat to glomp him. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show up this year either,” You let go of him and stepped back, smiling.

“Don’t be dumb. The sun’s not even fully down yet,” he said, smiling back. “But, I have a surprise, try to guess what it is.” You tilted your head and looked at him. He wasn’t holding anything, and you didn’t think there were any pockets on his coat.

“Can I get a hint?” you asked, to which he only smiled wider. That’s what made it click. You gave a squee of delight and for the second time that night you gave him a huge hug. “You found it?” you asked, feeling euphoric.

“Kind of. I couldn’t find the one that my somebody had, but I found a way to get my own heart,” he said, hugging you back, though your mind didn’t register the action.

“So, what’re you going to do now?” you asked, pulling back slightly so that you could look at him.

“Well, there’s this girl, you see. And I promised her I’d pay her a visit today,” he said with a small smile.

“Oh, really?” you responded, raising an eyebrow. You knew where this was going, but it would be more fun if you played along, so you did.

“Yup. She’s really nice, you’d get along great with her,” he said, nodding sagely.

“Describe he for me. What’s she like?”

“For starters, she’s gorgeous. She’s got beautiful (_color_) hair that I’d like to run my hands through, and this pair of (_color_) eyes that I never want to look away from, and a mouth that I could kiss forever. And, added to that, she’s one of the coolest people, when she’s not dumping water on me at nine in the morning. She’s stuck by me since we met, and never once gave up on supporting me. She loved me before I could return the feeling, and hopefully she’s never stopped, because I’d like to tell her I love her too,” he finished, his aqua eyes searching your own for your thoughts. By this point though, your eyes had begun to tear up and you gave him a small smile, before pulling him close.

“You're lucky, because she never did stop. And you have no idea how much she’s wanted to hear those words,” you managed to choke out, as you felt his arms close around you. You heard the fireworks begin, but if it came down to a choice between the fireworks and Axel, they had no chance.

“In that case,” he whispered into your ear, “I love you.” And with that, he pulled you into a chaste kiss, which you returned gladly. While it didn't last long, it brought you to a whole new level of joy.

“And I love you too,” you replied, content.

"You know," he said after several minutes of just standing there, holding each other, "Those fireworks aren't going to watch themselves, though that would be a feat to see too."

"That would," you replied with a smile as you let him go reluctantly. You moved the two chairs together as you sat it one and he took a seat in the other. Once you were both situated, you rested your head on his shoulder, and he wrapped an arm around you. You let out a contented sigh. This was perfection for you. A cool July night, beautiful fireworks, and your very own pyro.

~Owari~
 
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 12:06 pm


I'm not really good at giving detailed feedback but I really liked it!
And I love how it's written in the second person, I don't see that often.

Moonlight_Naida


athena177
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 12:10 pm


Very nicely written. I like it. It sounds like some of the romance books I've read. Have you ever considered writing a romance/thriller novel?
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 4:53 pm


Is this a Kingdom Hearts fanfiction?

Sure sounds like one.

I'm not fond of the second person style, in fact, I hate it.

But you're not a bad author, and you can write short stories (I can't seem to write anything shorter then one hundred pages). It was good, I just don't like second person.

GL0OM


Raven Kouryuu

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 8:19 pm


Because I'm too lazy to quote...

Moonlight_Naida: Thank you! ^_^ Most of my stuff ends up as second PoV, mostly because I like how it involves the reader.

athena177: Thank you too! I don't usually write much romance, other then random bits of fluff like this, but I've been trying to work a little into the novel I hope to one day finish. >_>

ZOMG! Zombii: It is indeed a KH fic. I've been on a obsessive streak for a while so... And sorry for the second person. When I try to write first it seems choppy to me, as I'm not used to it, and third ends up a total massacre unless I take my sweet time and I had promised this one to a friend so I was rushed. If you want a better view of my writing I can post a small psuedo-summary/plot blurb I wrote a few days ago that's in first person.
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 9:33 pm


3nodding I would like to read it.

athena177
Vice Captain


Raven Kouryuu

PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 9:42 am


Here you go. ^_^ It's not even close to my best work, because it was just a little, unedited drabble. But it's not so bad I won't post it.



I've never been one for work. I hate it with a passion, having gotten used to being taken care of when I still lived with my parents. But that was before I turned 18 and went off to college, then got a job. In all honesty, I miss it, and so most of what I do is very reluctantly. Oh, I don't mind house chores and the like, it's being a secretary at the local major law firm that gets me. It's tedious and annoying, even if it does pay well. But, there are days that I wonder, if I had just toughed it out, maybe things would have been different. Things are somewhat easier, as I don't have to work anymore, which is nice. It's that infernal 'catch' that came along with it that's the issue. What happened you ask? I made a wish, and the wrong ears heard me. It went something like this:

It had been a rough day at work, due to things I'm still under contract to not discuss, and I had decided to eat out at the local mall that night, as a rare treat for myself. While cruising the mall I decided to buy a lotto ticket, only because it was at a record high, and I had five bucks to spend guilt-free. Now, I didn't really expect to win, no one does, but I figured I'd take the chance, even if it would only prove to me that I was stuck in the rut I was in.

Later that night I'm sitting in the small balcony of my apartment, I didn't see the use of buying a house if I was just going to live alone, and, in a throwback to my childhood, I wished on a falling star that I had the winning ticket. Normally, I wouldn't admit this kind of detail in a narrative, but this time, I got an answer, in the form of a small winged fairy-like creature. If she stood on the ground, she would've only reached knee-height, but when I saw her, she was at eye level with me.

"So, you're looking to strike it rich huh?" she asked me nonchalantly. I was in minor shock, not really wanting to believe this was happening. She just rolled her eyes. "For a fantasy buff, you sure do seem thrown off. I'm not going to bite, ya'know."

"M..my apologies," I answered, reverting to a fomal state of mind, "I just didn't expect anyone to answer that." She just gave a small sigh and waved it off.

"No one does, if you did, I'd think you needed mental help. But my question still stands. Do you or do you not want to win that lotto-thing of yours?"

"Yeah. I would love it."

"Then I have a deal for you," she told me squarely, making sure she had my attention, which she did, "I'll make it so you have all the money you ever want, legally and with no strings attached, both through the lotto ticket you bought and another source or two. That sound good to you?"

"Of course, but what do you want out of it?" I inquired, resolving in my mind to judge based off of what she asked, and even if it sounded reasonable, to go through every detail possible, to avoid landing in hot water.

"There's this group of people I need watched for a while. They're only a minor hassle, but they royally pissed me off, and so I need them out of the way. I wouldn't ask this if I didn't think you could take care of it. They're not killers, not rapists. Just annoying. I'd bring them over to your new place, because I assume you'd get one if you won, right?" I nodded and she continued, "And all you'd have to do is make sure they don't kill each other," she paused, as if thinking about something, "Oh, and if I can judge by the contents of the shelf by your TV, you'll do okay. So what do you say? You get all the wealth you want, and I get a problem resolved." She looked at me expectantly. I didn't quite understand what she meant by 'the contents of the shelf by your TV', because all I had there were video games that I hadn't played in forever.

"Would you be willing to sign a contract on that?" I asked, not completely trusting her.

"In blood," she replied, looking every bit serious about it. I don't know what I was thinking then, but something in her look made me trust her and throw my resolves out the window.

"Then yeah. It's good by me." When I said this she looked, relieved almost, and took one of my hands in hers and shook it. I shot her a questioning look.

"You're the ninth person I've asked, and the only to accept. I really needed them off my hands for a while," she said, beaming, which made me slightly nervous. "They're full-sized people so it's hard for someone my size to deal with them." She must have noticed my sudden discomfort because she gave me a reassuring look. "Don't worry. I promise it's not as bad as you think. I give my word on it," and I must have believed her because I did feel better about it. And with that, she disappeared completely, leaving me to wonder what just happened.


Well, the next few days went by and I had all but forgot about the events of that night, attributing it all to stress and over-work. I went to check my ticket, and to my not-so-surprise, I had the winning ticket. In my own way, I was elated, knowing that, even with taxes and all, I wouldn't have to work again to support myself. But, that was only the beginning. Later, I got a letter saying that my Uncle Chuck, who I didn't even know other then seeing him at the sporatic family reunion, had died and I was the main heir to a fortune I didn't even know he had. Life for me was looking up, except for the worry about my half of the deal, but I had actually begun to play it down. As part of the inheritance, I got a huge new house, which was paid off, leading me to further trust the words of the little pixie-thing I had met. When she had said, everything will be taken care of, she had meant it one-hundred and ten percent. Over the next few weeks, the few stocks I had invested it skyrocketed, and I sold them all, adding to my new-found wealth.

But, it wasn't long after I got situated that my 'guests' arrived. I don't even know how they got into my living room, but there were just sitting there, looking like a bunch of pouting school-yard children. When I looked the group over, and finally realized who it was sitting in my den, I passed out on the spot.

Organization XIII from Kingdom Hearts II were the people I had to watch.

That's what she had meant by 'what's on the shelf'.

God help the stupid.
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 6:04 pm


Very well written. The story flows through perfectly. Simple, yet sophisticated. mrgreen
I didn't quite understand the "Organization XIII from Kingdom Hearts II" part, because I've never even read about the game. But it is good. You should really write more elaborate stories, you're imaginative and talented.

athena177
Vice Captain


Raven Kouryuu

PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 8:20 pm


That would be understandable. They're the antagonists of the game. I don't say villains because they never do anything considerably evil.

And thank you. ^_^ Actually, for the elaborate part, I'm working on a novel for my Senior Project. Who knows, maybe one day when I finish it I'll get it published. I hope...
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2007 12:03 pm


Interesting style, it's a kind that I'm not very used to reading [your first selection, I haven't read the second you posted I'm afraid whee ].

Although I don't know much of anything about what your writing because I'm not familiar with Kingdom Hearts sweatdrop

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