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 Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 8:02 pm
OK! if anyone likes vampire stories, i have one in my journal that a friend and i have been writing in summer school...
please read it and comment it for me!
it will be greatly appreciated to get feed back!
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 12:07 am
I shall give you feedback! I hope you're ok with a little critisism. o_o
It's a fairly good piece of work for something to write in summer school. Aside from the punctuation and such, there some things that stood out for me.
It kind of seemed a little rushed? Hana's openness to a complete stranger is kind of startling for me. How she's not afraid of him at all, and when he randomly kisses her, she's not completely terrified and what not.
She must be extremely trusting as well to take Noah to her place right away. o_o Also her reaction to Noah's bite - perhaps a little less dramatic?
Hmm. I'll give you some suggestions, and by NO MEANS do you have to follow them ^ ^; I'm just hoping I can be helpful and help you with your writing.
For starters, this seemed more like a part later on from the beginning. Sorta like, Hana has seen this mysterious guy before. As she's walking down the street or to school, she feels like she's being followed, and sees this guy staring at her. She turns away, and when she turns back to check if he's still looking, he's gone. That would help with the not being afraid of him component.
Another thing to maybe consider could be Noah's character. This way, you don't have to use the point listed above (or you still can) and play on Noah's vampire abilities. Such as:
Hana was paralyzed with fear when the stranger approached her. She commanded her legs to move, but they didn't listen. There was something about him that made her stay. Something in his voice, the way he carried himself, and predominantly, his eyes. There was something about him that compelled her to stay.
lol, Sorry if that was a bad example. Things just seemed rushed for me. More emotion, expression, and internal conflicts. Then again, that may be just what I enjoy in a good story. Don't get me wrong, I think you and your friend have started something great, I'll be waiting to read more, just use my suggestions or ask me for more if need be. You don't have to listen to me, and CONTINUE TO WRITE!!
Hope this helped. =] (Sorry it was so long)
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 12:20 am
oh, no it was perfect
^___^
constructive criticism!
yeah... i kinda misspelled a few things but i was typing kinda fast so my mom wouldnt see... and it was hard to read our writing because it was originally written on this crappy graph paper.
the characters did rush into things abit fast, but i think im going to do a couple flashbacks in the next chapter. like, noah following her and whatnot... thats why he doesnt feel hes a stranger to her... but shes just like, uhhm... ok...
ya know... wow im rambling arent i...
lol.
well hana is optimistic and wants to see the good in everyone...
she doesnt know how to say no and stick with that answer when he looks at her like that...
itll get more interesting and hopefully the next xhapter will be even better.
im happy to have people to help!
thanks again!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 12:27 am
Flashback scene! Why didn't I think of that? lol, well KEEP AT IT OR I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!! dun dun dunnnn... sweatdrop
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 5:13 pm
hokie dokie!!!!!!!!!!
ill post a bulletin on here when chapter 2 is done
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Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 9:59 am
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