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 Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 10:47 pm
I wrote it on April 18th, 2007.Silence. All is silent, save for the movement of the wind brushing through the leaves of nearby trees. Not a care in the world, two people sit back to back on the roof of a small building. No conversation between them is found. Just a girl, leaning against a boy, staring to the blue sky above them. She speaks.
"Hey."
Movement. A bit of motion as the boy opens his eyes and stares into the distance. He responds.
"Yeah."
Silence. Once again, all is quiet. The girl smiles as she hears his response. Simple, but enough to show he is listening. A few moments pass before another word is spoken. She asks.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"No."
Laughter. She laughs a little at his quick, witty response. He smiles a bit, her laughter breaking the silence around them. He responds.
"Go ahead."
A pause. She smiles a little, lightly as a feather upon her lips. There, but just barely - enough for her to feel it. It remains as she speaks. She asks.
"Why do you hate me?"
Thought. The boy gives this question some thought. Answering is simple, and both remain calm and listen to the flow of words as they are said. He answers.
"You're annoying. And you're loud. You act wild. I can never tell what you're thinking or what you are going to do next. You talk a lot. You have too much energy. You're too friendly sometimes. There is such a thing as boudaries. Oh, and, you get on my nerves."
Agreement. She nods her head with her eyes closed; all is true. Satisfied with his answer, the boy closes his own eyes again. For a moment, there is silence. She speaks.
"If I changed, would you still hate me?"
"You said one question."
"Just answer."
Laughter. The boy laughs lightly, and the girl's feathery smile remains. He answers.
"I would hate you even more."
Confusion. The girl blinks, not expecting such an answer. The boy makes no movement and she just waits. She asks.
"Why?"
"You're pushing it. That's three."
"Just answer! Why?"
Movement. She finds herself falling back a little as he turns around. He wraps his arms around her waist, pulled her back against his chest. Tension finds its place in the girl's mind. She is confused, wondering what this could mean. His words are petals in the wind. Soft, beautiful, not heard but seen, felt - a whisper. He answers.
"Because those are all the reasons I love you."
Comfort. She relaxes and leans against him as he lays back. Silence again. Nothing but the rustle of leaves and the distant sounds of windows rattling. Not a care in the world, two people lay on the roof of a small building in a quiet town. Just a girl, laying on top of the boy with his arms around her, closing her eyes and resting her own hands atop of his. She thinks.
-Even in this town, empty of life and laughter, full of loneliness and silence, I've found home. Here, in his arms, I have found where I belong.-
Sleep. The two drift to a silent slumber, dreaming of things, people, and places that may never come. Together.The following is the note I left with it when I posted it in my blog xd This was during school, and In House is where you go when you're RPCed during school. Yeah.
Okay, so it's corny. Shoot me. I was in In House for four freaking hours. This was all I had to do in that time. Yeah, I wrote this while I was in IN HOUSE. I found a piece of paper in my cubicle thing that had one line written on it. "Journal - a journey in my new Town....." The only thing that came to mind when I found it was "Why is town capitalized?" Then I started writing. This is the result. Either you enjoy it or you don't. Don't complain to me about it. No one said you had to read it. <3
I luuuurve any criticism anyone has to give biggrin 
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:46 pm
I enjoyed it. I'm afraid I'm not good with criticism though.
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 7:18 am
Very cute short short. I also enjoyed it. You have some metaphors and descriptions in there. It has a simplicity of style that sticks to the point of the story and makes it work wonderfully.
To what degree to do you really luuurve criticism? Would you like editing/proofreading criticism?
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Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 12:56 am
Thanks guys~ heart
Anything and everything is appreciated. 3nodding
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Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 9:12 am
Alright here goes. If any of this comes off as harsh or rude I'm sorry ahead of time.
1. You can do alot of Slash & Burn in here. Basically trim the excess to make it tighter and less diverting in the overall flow. One of these is in the "she speaks, he speaks" constant repetition. Once you establish her as the first speaker in this type of short short you no longer need to identify each and every time who speaks. Even without ever saying who is speaking after the first time it's easily inferred who is speaking. The second is the other form of repetition you use with a single verb followed by a descriptive sentence. Example: "Thought. The boy gives this question some thought." You really don't need to tell us this twice. I'm guessing it's supposed to be artistic or poetical or along those lines but well... it drags the story. You tell us the boy is giving it thought. You don't need the first single sentence word on top of that. Just tell us what's going on once and then get on with the rest of the story. Otherwise just go through the piece and cut out all unnecessary words. Especially the smaller "insignificant" ones, the slimmer the better.
2. Watch out for semi-colon and comma mis-use. Consider periods instead of commas or ands and vice-versa.
3. The positioning of their bodies and the motion they go through threw me a couple times. Could you add more to the description of their movement? Or change your word choice? Just clarify it a tad bit more.
4. Towards the end in these sentences: "Even in this town, empty of life and laughter, full of loneliness and silence, I've found home. Here, in his arms, I have found where I belong." you introduce the concept of a home and belonging and a setting outside the two characters, however, nowhere else have you discussed this. If you want to include this you really need to introduce it in the beginning and keep bringing it up throughout, not suddenly throw it at us in the end. Otherwise, it has nothing to do with the story and detracts. You haven't told us anything about the town or location they're in outside of being on top of a roof and now suddenly we're being told about it like an afterthought. This conversation story doesn't need setting or adjectives. It could work anyplace, anytime. You don't even need to establish they're on a roof.
5. Tense issues, most specifically here: "He wraps his arms around her waist, pulled her back against his chest." Pulls or pulling. Just double check for those throughout.
6. Show, don't tell. Back to the repetition verbs for a perfect example: "Confusion." "The girl blinks," Confusion tells. Blinking shows.
7. She smiles. Then asks "why do you hate me." O.o Unless she's making an unclear joke or is trying to get him to hate her why is she smiling? Being hated is generally considered a bad thing in a relationship and smiling is the result of being made happy over something. If there's a logical connection here between bad = happy I can't see it by what you've written.
8. Silence followed by talking. Almost always you tell us there is silence or lack of conversation followed two words later by one of them talking. It doesn't flow. If you want silence it needs to be longer, more protracted, more obvious. If you want to include the town in the piece maybe something is going on around them that you could write in that provides time passage.
This is the main stuff I can think of right now. Keep up the writing! biggrin
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Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 1:43 pm
It was good.
I dislike corny-ness but I like your story.
I like how you didn't make it sound so cliche. I didn't expect her to ask why he hated her.
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Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:08 pm
Lets leave this place and say that we escaped
We'll say that there's no difference between right and wrong tonight
I liked it. ^.^ It reminds me a LOT of my boyfriend.
We'll leave no trace of plans that we have made
So they can't find us and take what is ours
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