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 Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 11:53 pm
All information in this sticky, unless other cited (like internet articles), is from the book "Fact.File For First-Time Fathers" by Richard Woolfson, copyright 2003 Quintet Publishing Limited. I do not own or claim to own any of the material from the book. (If there are any complaints about this being posted, ie for plagarism, please PM me discreetly and I will remove it.)Anything from the internet will be linked for proof and reference. ~ Table of Contents:- Post 1: Introduction <--- You are here. - Post 2: Book introduction - Post 3: Book excerpt from Chapter 1: "Becoming a Dad" - Post 4: Book excerpt from Chapter 2: "Baby's on the Way" - Post 5: Book excerpt from Chapter 3: "Your Baby has Arrived" - Post 6: Book excerpt from Chapter 4: "From Birth to Toddler" - Post 7: Book excerpt from Chapter 5: "Suddenly Your Baby is a Person" - Post 8: Book excerpt from Chapter 6: "When Things Prove Difficult" - Post 9: Other need to know information for new fathers (from the internet) - Post 10: Reserved.
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Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2007 1:24 pm
Book Introduction
(pages 8 - 11)
Mixed Emotions
It is perfectly natural to have both positive and negative thoughts at this stage. There is no doubt that taking part in the creation of life is, possibly, the greatest achievement in your entire life. By fathering a child you have fulfilled a deep-rooted biological need, so the sense of satisfaction and self-pride you are experiencing is immense. You may even find yourself standing a little taller and walking with more of a spring in your gait now that you are a first-time father-to-be.
It would, however, be naive to entertain an unshakeably idealized view of fatherhood as a state of perfection and fulfillment. With every pleasure comes responsibility, and fathering a child is no exception - this new life you have created will depend on you and your partner for at least the next decade and a half, and is a lifelong responsibility. This is an awesome commitment, and you would be less than human if you did not feel a little daunted by the realization of its enormity.
There may be other reasons for your ambivalence about fatherhood. After all, maybe the prospect of being a father wasn't quite what you had in mind at this stage in your life. Perhaps you had planned for a few more years to pass before you slipped into a parental role because there were other goals in your life you wanted to achieve before fathering a child. Some men have a vision of themselves reaching a certain level of income, job security, house ownership, age, and maturity before even thinking about having children. If you are one of them, then the impending arrival of your new baby might seem to put a bit of a dampener on your long-term plans.
It may be even that your relationship with your current partner isn't quite what you had hoped for, and that the pregnancy has come as a shock to both of you. Irrescpective of the long-term nature of your relationship with the child's mother, the baby is yours, planned or not. You have to work out the relationship with your new baby regardless of your relationship with the mother-to-be, although it is more than understandable that you may be wishing the pregnancy had been better timed.
Even if you are in a stable, loving, long-term relationship with someone you love, and even if this baby was planned meticulously with perfect precision, you could still be feeling a little apprehensive. Before it was your turn, you may have felt that looking after a baby is easy, but now you are not so sure. Suddenly you start to wonder about things that never occured to you before, such as how you should hold the baby, wash the baby, dress the baby, and play with the baby. You start to have self-doubts. Maybe, you think to yourself, you won't be good enough to become the sort of dad you want to be. You recall those horror stories told by your friends, who alreayd have children, about those sleepless nights and the baby's vomit all over your best suit, not to mention the wide array of people who know better than you and are all too willing to give you advice on the best ways to raise your child. Your confidence evaporates. Do not worry, all these doubts and worries are perfectly natural. Try to hang on to the belief that once the baby is born, everything will fall into place somehow and you will cope splendidly.
The chances are you aren't used to talking about such sensitive issues with others, certainly not with other men! Men have a reputation for being practical, and more reluctant than women to voice their feelings, discuss their emotions, and share their experiences. That's where Fact.File For First-Time Fathers comes in. Written by a father of two grown-up daughters who is a child psychologist, this book guides you through the maze of modern fatherhood with advice, hints, suggestions, and all the answers you'll ever need.
~
(paes 10 - 11)
Dad's Role
Take a little time to reflect, and be candid with yourself. What role do you think you, as a father, will play in your child's life? Here is how fathers are most commonly viewed in today's modern world:
- Dad the provider: In this role, the father goes out into the big wide world and finds good for his child and family. Fortunately in the 21st century, this rarely means doing so in a literal sense. For you, this role probably involves becoming the breadwinner, earning a good income so your child has everything necessary and that your entire family wants for nothing.
- Dad the protector: In this role, the father safeguards his child, acting as a shield to ward off angy dangers. Hazards arise in all aspects of life, ranging from intruders in your house, to illness and disease, to threats from other children. For you this role probably involves laying down rules governing your child's safety and ensuring that all potential perils are anticipated and avoided whenever possible.
- Dad the moral guardian: In this role, the father sets the moral standards that his child will follow. He is responsible for discipline, and he deals with any rewards and punishments that have to be meted out. For you, this role probably involves close monitoring of your child's behavior and dealing with antisocial acts in the family or in school.
- Dad the wise: In this role, the father is perceived as having wisdom that has been accumulated over many years of life experience. There is nothing he hasn't gone through himself, so he is perfectly placed to advise on all matters. For you, this role probably involves answering all your child's questions, and knowing the best way to proceed in any given situation.
- Dad the nurturer: In this role, the father is actively involved in giving the child love and security. He attends to his child's feelings as well as behavior, and is there to play his part in his or her psychological development. For you, this role probably involves taking your chare of child-care chores, sharing decisions about your child's play activities, and making a commitment to spend regular time with your child.
A father's role changes to some extent with each decade, depending on the prevailing social trends and emphasis. A hundred years, ago, for instance, a father had little nurturing responsibility, but had a huge responsibility as the provider. Today, this latter role is often shared equally with the child's mother, who may be in full-time employment herself, perhaps with a higher-status job that the father. And unlike a few decades ago, dads are no longer strangers in preschool centers. The balance and strength of a father's role with his child is more flexible than in the past.
You have to consider which role you are most comfortable with, at least to begin with. Each role has implications for the way in which you will relate to your baby, so it is good for you to start sorting these ideas out in your own mind. The fact that you don't come up with any hard-and-fast answers shouldn't bother you at this stage. All that matters is that the process of self-discovery as a first-time father has begun.
~
(page 12)
Helpful Suggestions
- Think before you speak. Remember that your partner will be feeling very sensitive and vulnerable during her pregnancy, particularly in the early stages. Try to be supportive rather than discouraging. Try to phrase your comments positively.
- Start to share. It's good to talk to other first-time father, whether or not their baby has actually been born yet. You can learn from their experiences and benefit from sharing ideas. Watch other dads. The next time you are out, spend a few moments observing how dads interact with their children. You'll see a wide range of responses. try to envision how you will behave with your child.
- Have self-confidence. Every dad copes to some extent. No father is absolutely perfect, few are hopeless, and the vast majority do an excellent job without worrying too much about it. So stop doubting yourself - you'll be a great dad. Have confidence in yourself.
- Work in partnership. Whether in a stable relationship with the baby's mother or not, your role as a father does not function in isolation. You need to work in partnership with the baby's mother, not as a solo decision maker.
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Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2007 5:28 pm
Book Excerpt From Chapter 1 - "Becoming a Dad"
(pages 16 - 17)
Why You Are Special
Psychologists researched the differences between fathers and mothers when dealing with their baby have found the following results:
- A baby tends to smile and laugh more when she sees her father, but tends to gaze more when she sees her mom. It's as though babies associate Dad with fun and games, perhaps because dad usually spends less time with his child and therefore makes an extra effort to play when they are together.
- The most common reason a mother gives for sharing child-care responsibility with the father is that she would otherwise feel trapped and is afraid of losing her identity. However, the most common reason a father gives for sharing child-care is because he hopes to have a close relationship with his baby.
- When mom plays with the baby, she usually selects activities that are soothing, nurturing, and that bring the two of them together in close physical contact of a gentle type. When dad plays with his baby, he engages in more energetic activities. It seems that fathers prefer more rough-and-tumble play.
- Moms adjust quite easily to their baby's personality and need for attention, but they find the high level of daily chores stressful. Dads don't mind the extra work so much (perhaps because they leave most of it to the mothers) but they have more difficulty getting used to their baby's characteristics and temperament.
- Fathers don't worry as much as mothers do about their baby. For instance, around 40% of moms worry about leaving their child with another care-giver, whereas less than 5% of fathers feel that way. And when 75% of mothers expect their child to cry when left with someone else, whereas only 35% of fathers expect that behavior.
~
(pages 17 - 18 )
Helpful Suggestions
- Acknowledge your own importance. Keep reminding yourself that you are special, that what you do makes a difference to your child's life, and that your contribution is different to the effect your partner has on your child's development.
- Be the person you are. Resist the temptation to pretend to be a different sort of man just because you think that will be a better role model for your child. Just be yourself, and have confidence in yourself and your attitudes as a father.
- Don't be a couch potato. At the end of a hard day at work, you probably want to come home, have dinner, and watch television, but this won't help you to get close to your baby. Get involved with your baby, no matter how tired you are.
- Discuss child-related issues with your partner. Young children are quick to exploit any differences between mom and dad, especially when it comes to setting limits. It's best, therefore, for you and your partner to have roughly the same ideas about suitable behavior and to agree on a consistent aproach when it comes to discipline.
- Forget stereotypes about fathers. Not all fathers have to be solid, unflinching rocks - that only happens in movies. Neither do they have to be strict disciplinarians. Try not to be unduly influenced by these artificial expectations of fathers. Set your own path for your relationship with your child.
~
(pages 23 - 24)
Beating the Top 10 Anxieties of First-Time Fathers
1) Will I be able to love my child once he is born?
Many first-time fathers wonder if they will have the capacity to love another person, especially a little baby that screams and makes a mess. But you'll find that self-doubts begin to vanish when you get involved in caring for your baby. Hands-on experience helps forge the love between you and your child.
2) What happens if my child doesn't love me?
The fact is that your child will love you - he has a built-in capacity to love and to form a relationship with you. In order for that natural ability to be utilized, you have to give him lots of love and affection. Your child will spontaneously reciprocate the affection.
3) How will we manage financially with three mouths to feed?
Depending on your personal circumstances and whether your partner plans to return to work after the birth, chances are that your household income will dro pif you weere both earning before the baby was born. However, the costs of caring for a baby in the first few years are not as much as you'd imagine.
4) Will I ever be able to learn the practicalities of baby care?
Washing, feeding, and changing a baby are just like any other skills - they can all be learned through training and practice. As long as you make up your mind to become competent in these tasks, you will soon acquire the ability. Learn from others.
5) What happens if I faint during the delivery?
Everybody reacts differently in the delivery room, and there are plenty of macho characters who find it all a bit too much. If you feel dizzy at any time or want a breath of air, go outside for a few moments until you feel steadier. The chances are, however, that you will be so engrossed in what is going on and intent on helping your partner that you will cope just fine.
6) What will happen to my relationship with my partner after the birth?
No relationship stands still. You and your partner are entering a new phase in your lives, and things won't be the same as before; with a bit of luck, they will be better. You will discover that sharing in the upbringing of your new baby brings you even closer than you were before.
7) Could I end up resenting the baby for all the attention she gets?
Some first-time dads do feel jealous of the new baby, particularly when they see the baby in his mother's arms. A feeling of envy is normal. Be honest with yourself and your partner about this, and make a special effort to have time for each other every day.
8 ) Will a lose my identity and become a father instead of a person?
People will start to think of you as your baby's father, and you will become completely focused on baby-care issues. This will become part of your life. Remember that you will have other roles in life too, such as partner, employee, friend, and lover, so you won't lose your identity.
9) What will happen if I accidently hurt my baby?
This is highly unlikely to happen. Babies are a lot more robust than you think. However, always have safety issues at the forefront of your mind when handling your baby. Make sure he is safe and secure wherever he is, and ensure you hold him firmly at all times. Take extra care when lifting him out of the bath.
10) How will I cope if my baby has a disability?
Every baby has his own personality, strengths, weaknesses, and individual characteristics. If your baby has a disability, he is still an individual with the same emotional needs as any other child. Getting directly involved in his care will increase your confidence in your own parenting ability. You will cope more effectively than you anticipate right now.
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Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 11:49 pm
Book Excerpt From Chapter 2 - "Baby's On The Way"(pages 32 - 33) Understanding the PregnancyYou don't need to become an expert in all matters related to pregnancy. Of course you want to help and support your partner, but that is quite different from taking over. Remember that it's her pregnancy, not yours. Be sympathetic to her without dominating; share decisions with her rather than making them unilaterally. Here is some very basic information that will be useful for you. The average length of a pregnancy is 280 days from the start of your partner's last menstrual period (that is, 40 weeks), and it can be divided into 3 stages: Early pregnancyThis covers the first 3 months. Following the moment of conception, the fertilized egg begins to grow inside of your partner's uterus and by the 6th week, it is approximately the size of a grain of rice - the heart has started beating by then, too. By 8 weeks, the baby's arms, legs, and muscles have started to develop; by 9 weeks the ears have formed; and by the end of the 3rd month, the embryo has a wide range of body features. Your partner starts to experience a range of physical changes during this period, which may include a bloated feeling, tender breasts, morning sickness, and the need to urinate more frequently. It's very important that she follow a proper diet, gives up smoking and alcohol, and takes no drugs. Encourage your partner to maintain good posture by keeping her back straight when bending her knees, and sitting upright with her lower back supported. She may be tired a lot of the time. Mid-PregnancyThis covers the period between 3 and 6 months. By the 12th week, the placenta is fully formed: this disk-like structure is attached to the wall of the uterus and is the organ through which your baby feeds, breathes, and excretes waste until birth. The placenta's growth coincides with the baby's growth, ensuring that the baby has adequate nourishment. By the 16th week, your baby is as long as a woman's hand, and he has eyes, ears, nose, fingernails, and genitals. Your partner may start to feel him moving around and kicking inside her, as he begins to exercise. His heartbeat can also be heard. A baby born before 24 weeks [6 months] has little chance of survival, particularly because his lungs have not finished developing and therefore he cannot breathe properly. Your partner needs much more rest than usual. Late PregnancyThis covers the period between 7 and 9 months. In this final phase of pregnancy, your baby's breathing settles into a regular pattern. By the 7th month, almost all of the major physical developments have taken place. Your baby uses the remaining time before the birth to grow larger and stronger - in fact, he grows twice as long and increases his weight threefold in those last 2 months. With current levels of medical care, most babies born after 32 weeks survive, and delivery after 37 weeks does not cause any special concerns. Your partner can go through a whole range of mixed emotions in the lass weeks before the delivery and birth, including boredom, excitement, and anxiety. She is tired and uncomfortable when standing, and may occasionally experience shortage of breath. At night, she could be very restless while sleeping, as she struggles to find a comfortable position in the bed. Bear in mind that pregnancy is not an illness. Try to find a balance between giving your partner lots of care and attention, an ddisempowering her by treating her as though she were an invalid. If she works before conception, then she will continue to work during her pregnancy, and if she took regular exercise before conception, then she will continue to do so, making appropriate adjustments to her reggime, as directed by her physician. ** For pictures of a pregnancy from conception to birth, check out post 8 of this sticky: ]http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=2608523~ (pages 40 - 42) Getting Ready For The Big DayThe big day is approaching. You're in the last few weeks running up to the due date of delivery, and you have mixed feelings of apprehension and excitement. Try to put these feelings aside for a moment, and concentrate on practicalities: check over everything again, just in case you're not entirely ready. Babies have minds of their own, and can well arrive earlier than planned. Use the following checklist to guide you about practical matters: Practical things to do in preparation for the big day- Become totally familiar with the alternative routes between home and hospital. - Time how long it takes to drive between home and the hospital. - Make a list of relevant phone numbgers, including that of the hospital. - Ensure your partner has her hospital bag and labor kit ready, packed, and easily accessible. - Draw up a list of key people to call immediately after the birth. - Buy all the necessary baby-care equipment, clothes, and materials. - Decorate the baby's room and arrange the furniture and toys. - Get the car serviced by your garage. - Make sure the tank is full of gas from now until the birth. - Check that the spare tire is in good repair and fully inflated. - Make sure your mbolie phone is fully charged at all times. - Do your best to avoid business trips involving overnight stays away from your home. - Help your partner stock the freezer with easy meals that can be cooked from frozen, and stock up on basic supplies from the pantry. Supporting your PartnerYour partner will be getting anxious too, so, if possible, spend time together just being with each other. To counter boredom, watch television, go out to the movies, or have dinner in a restaurant. Time may drag slowly. Your partner is probably at her maximum degree of physical discomfort and her maximum degree of self-confidence in her appearance. Jokes about size and shape do not go down well at this point, so remember to be tactful. During these last few weeks, talk about your plans for the birth, and about how you both imagine labor and delivery will go. Of course events won't unfold exactly according to plan, but it is a good idea to understand each other's hopes and expectations at this stage. Check out your partner's views on pain relief during the delivery, which can range from epidural anesthesia to pain-relieving drugs, and assisted methods of delivery, such as Caesarean section. This means you can, if necessary, be her spokesperson during the delivery and ensure that everything goes according to her wishes. Your partner may wish to write down these points on a piece of paper as a "birth plan", which you should both take with you to the hospital. All the time be reassuring to your partner. You may now have come to an agreement over your attendance at the birth. Most first-time fathers will tell you that the delivery is the most amazing experience they ever have had, and will have decided to be there from start to finish. Talk about the most useful role you can play, for instance, mopping her brow or holding her hand. Make sure she knows you are there for her, and that you don't intend to become the one who is the center of attention. ~ (pages 43 - 45) The DeliveryYou will already have decided whether or not you want to be present at the birth. If you have chosen to opt out, your partner may beg you to reconsider at the last minute. Think about this seriously. If you are squeamish, it is very easy to position yourself at her head and stay there the entire time so that you don't see any of the action down below. (And in the highly unlikely event that you had agreed to be there but your partner has a change of heart, use a gentle, assertive persuasion to convince her otherwise. In the end, however, if she wants you to leave you should probably accede to her request to avoid causing her undue distress.) Contractions during labor hurt, so don't be surprised at your partner's distress. She will be fine, but give her lots of reassurance. Talk to her if she wants, and stay quiet if that is what she prefers - in fact, just do whatever she wants. But stay with her, and be ready to speak up for her if necessary. Try to find practical things to do during the delivery. For example, mop your partner's forehead with a damp cloth, help her get her breathing right, praise her for doing well, fetch her a tissue if she asks, or pass her comments on to the medical staff. You'll feel better doing something, however trivial it may seem to you, than standing about feeling useless. Your partner will turn to you for support. An anxious or terrified expression will only feed her own fears, so make every effort to maintain a clam expression even though you may feel tense inside. Try to be confident and give a positive response to every comment she makes. She needs to know that all is going well and you are the person who can give that answer convincingly. Chat to the medical staff, to make the atomsphere less formal and help reduce tension. Don't be alarmed if your partner becomes aggressive towards you during labor - it is natrual and you should anticipate the possibility. Grin an dbear it, take it on the chin, and above all don't try to explain to her why her anger is misplaced! Your partner will be given advice by the midwife or doctor about her breathing, particularly when to control her breathing in order to assist the baby's birth. You can help your partner by reiterating these directions. Give her encouragement. Through tiredness and discomfort, her concentration could slip, and your calm voice will help focus her attention. It is strange and perhaps disturbingto see your partner in such a stressful, even ungainly situation. Remember that any negative images and sensations that might arise from witnessing her give birth are momentary, and will vanish the moment your baby arrives. The oppurtunity to be present at the birth of your baby is something not to be missed if at all possible. Despite your anxieties as a first-time father and your reluctance to witness what you regard as a medical procedure, try to be there. You will find that you are totally drawn into the process, listening to the medical staff, supporting your partner, and becoming involved in everything that goes on. Push all self-doubts to the side now, and concentrate on your task. You will never forget the moment of delivery, that unbelievable surge of emotions as your baby is delivered and then gives his first cry. That most primitive of sounds is the signal that your baby has arrived safe and sound, and is the most wonderful sound you will ever hear. Most first-time dads (and also many experienced dads) cry joyful tears at the birth, along with their partner. Whatever happiness you feel at that point, share it with your partner. Some dads want to be the one who cuts the umbilical cord; that is a very personal choice, to be discussed with your partner, and your relationship with your baby won't be affected in any way whether you cut the cord yourself or not.
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 1:16 am
Book Excerpt From Chapter 3 - "Your Baby Has Arrived"
(pages 60 - 62)
Bonding With Your Baby
"Bonding" is the term used to describe the deep psychological connection that is formed between a parent and their baby during the early years. Most psychologists agree that this relationship between parents and baby is the foundation on which all other relationships in the child's life (even in adulthood) are built. First-time fathers are just as capable as any other parent as forming this close emotional attachment with their child, so you should not feel excluded. Your baby can develop bonds with more than one person in his life (for instance, with his mother, with you, with his grandparents), each relationship making its own special contribution.
Fathers' Myths About Bonding
Men often subscribe to a number of misunderstandings about bonding. These are complete myths and will only cause you confusion. Consider the following:
Myth #1 - Bonding occurs at birth or not at all.
You might not feel a close connection with your baby for days, weeks, or even months after he is born. Evidence suggests that bonding in some instances can take up to 2 or 3 years. This means you have plenty of time to let the relationship between you and your baby develop naturally.
Myth #2 - Bonding happens in a flash.
Bonding is a process, not a static emotional state. Like all relationships between two people, the father-baby connection builds up slowly as you get to know each other. It is not a process that occurs in a split second, but one that is developed gradually over a period of weeks and months.
Myth #3 - Dads are not as good at bonding as moms.
The real reason why fathers often take longer than moms to form an emotional attachment with their baby is because they spend less time with their baby and have less hands-on experience. This reduces the oppurtunities for bonding and hence delays the process. It has nothing to do with your capacity to bond.
Encouraging Attachments
There are a number of positive steps that you can take to enhance the emotional connection that develops between you and your baby, including:
Make regular eye contact with him.
Eye contact between you and your young baby helps the attachment grow. Your baby's vision is preprogrammed to focus around 6 - 8 inches from his nose, which is usually the distance you hold him from during feeding. He sees that you smile at him lovingly.
Relax and enjoy his company.
An attachment is more likely to occur when you and your baby are able to relax in each other's company and when you can have fun together. True, fatherhood is serious business, but it should also be enjoyable. Try to relax when looking after your baby or playing with him.
Do something practical to make him comfortable.
When your baby is uncomfortable, perhaps because his diaper is soiled, he is too warm under the covers, or he is hungry, do something practical to ease his discomfort. Your positive reponse to help your baby strengthens the emotional bond between you.
Talk to him.
Clearly your new young baby can't talk back when you talk to him about whatever's on your mind. However, talking to him is not just a matter of making noise; it also involves making good eye contact, pleasant facial expressions, and soft loving tones, all of which intensify the attachment.
Soothe him when he is upset.
First-time dads often become frustrated in their attempts to calm their distressed baby; his continual whining can be very dispiriting. yet bonding can be encouraged when your baby starts to believe that you understand him and are able to ease his distress. A reassuring rock in Dad's arms may be all that is required.
~
(pages 73 - 74)
Boy or Girl - Does It Matter?
As a first-time father you might harbor a secret preference for a boy (or maybe you really want a baby girl). Consider the following if you still think the baby's gender matters at all for a first-time father:
5 Reasons Why It's Good to Have a Boy
1) Boys are more fun.
Boys enjoy football, rough-and-tumble play, construction toys, and computer games; they love the sorts of games that you loved when you were a boy. This means that you relive your own childhood through your baby son by playing your old favourite games with him. You won't have to worry as much about amusing him.
2) Boys cry less than girls.
As they grow up, boys are expected to keep their distress to themselves and to hold back their tears. When a boy is upset about something, he is more likely to get on with whatever he is doing without making a fuss. If he does cry, you can be sure that something serious has upset him and that the cause is not trivial.
3) Boys need a male role model.
Your boy needs someone to look up to, someone after whom he can model his behavior and relationships. He will start to imitate your actions, and begin to reflect your attitudes. It's a wonderful feeling to know thatyou can have such a positive influence on your growing child.
4) Boys give back more.
Boys express their enthusiasm more openly. Your son doesn't try to hold back his excitement when he enjoys himself - he lets you know that he is having a good time. And because you are a man, he delibrately tries to involve you in his games and play activities, and enjoys sharing them with you.
5) Boys are less worry.
Right from the start, boys are more able to look after themselves. Your son grows bigger and stronger every day, and he learns to protect himself from the threats of other chilren. He is not going to let himself be pushed around. He soon learns how to defend himself.
5 Reasons Why It's Good to Have a Girl
1) Girls are more fun.
Your girl enjoys a wide range of play activities. As well as sports such as climbing, running, and ball games, she also loves games that involve hand-control such as puzzles, board games, and creative play. If she gets bored with her play activities, she tends to use her imagination to create entirely new ones.
2) Girls cry less than boys.
Right from an early age, girls are better at expressing their feelings verbally. Instead of repressing their emotions and keeping them inside, they release them before a build-up of tension occurs. This means they are less likely to burst into tears than boys. If your girl does cry, you can be sure that something serious has upset her, and that the cause is not trivial.
3) Girls need a male role model.
The relationship that you have with your daughter during childhood has a huge influence on all her future relationships with boys and men. She looks up to you, and the way you behave towards her sets her expectations of how other males should behave. It's a terrific feeling knowing that you have such an important role.
4) Girls give back more.
Since girls typically acquire spoken language at a faster rate than boys, she is more able to voice her feelings to you. Communication between a father and daughter can build very rapidly, because she wants to discuss things with you. She's more able to tell you what she feels; you don't have to spend so much time guessing.
5) Girls are less worry.
In most instances, girls develop social skills more quickly than boys, and are less likely to hit each other. they are also better at resolving conflict with their peers. With this heightened sensitivity, enhanced social skills, and the ability to talk their way out of trouble, caring for a girl can be less of a worry than caring for a boy.
~
(pages 77 - 78 )
When Your Baby Has A Disability
Before your baby is born you have all sorts of hopes, ambitions, and fantasies about him. These images fill your head from the moment you learn about the pregnancy. This is natural for all first-time fathers. Although you may also have some lurking concerns about the baby's health and development, you don't let them dominate. Yet some babies are born with a lifelong disability, such as a learning difficulty resulting in slow development, a physical disability resulting in poor balance, movement, and co-ordination, or a sensory difficulty resulting in impaired hearing or vision. The reality of first-time fathering, therefore, can turn out to be totally different than your expectations.
Every dad reacts differently to the news that his child has a disability, depending on his personality, his prior understanding of this type of problem, and his relationship with his partner. You might, however, experience one of the following common reactions:
- Shock. This can cause you to burst into tears or be too stunned to speak. You might be completely calm on the outside, but shaking on the inside.
- Denial. You might insist that the doctors have made a mistake and that in fact your baby does not have the problem they described to you.
- Guilt. In your search for an explanation of your baby's disability, you might blame yourself. You can become convinced you did something wrong during the pregnancy.
- Grief. You might experience a sense of grief, as if in mourning for the imagined baby who was never born and was replaced by the baby with the disability.
- Fear. The prospect of being a first-time father of a baby who has a disability can make you afraid, emphasizing any self-doubts you may already have had.
Don't be surprised to find yourself running through a whole range of emotions, especially during the early days. And it is better to be honest with yourself and your partner. There is no point in pretending that you feel fine when deep down inside you cry out in despair. Admit to the feelings you have, whether they are negative or positive. If you think you are coping well, however, that's fine. Some first-time fathers are able to adapt much more quickly than others to their baby's problems.
In addition, because the long-term impact of many disabilities is extremely hard to predict when a baby is very young, one of the challanges you will have to face is that you will probably have to live with the uncertainty of his future developmental progress.You may have to wait for several months, perhaps years, before accurate statements about your child's potential development can be made with any conviction.
Information
An important step in coming to terms with your baby's disability is finding out more about the condition. Whatever the problem, there will be plenty of information available from professionals and other parents. You can also read books, surf the internet, and buy magazines. Virtually every type of disability has a voluntary organization to support parents, children, and their families. When you feel you are ready - and if you learn too much about the disability before you are strong enough to cope with the information, you might actually make yourself even more stressed - search out these sources in order to improve your knowledge of your child's difficulties. The more you know, the more you will feel in control.
Remember that your partner has not given birth to a disabled baby, she has given birth to a baby who has a disability. That is an important difference, and not simply a play on words. The truth is that your baby has a lot of other characteristics as well as having the disability. He is a person first, and his disability comes second after that. See your baby, not his disability. Get to know who he is, his strengths and weaknesses, his likes and dislikes. As you become familiar with him, you will start to see him for the dynamic individual he is.
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Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 2:02 pm
Book Excerpt From Chapter 4 - "From Birth to Toddler"
(pages 90 - 91)
Toys (0 - 2 years)
It isn't always easy to know which toys to choose for children in this age group. He often can't tell you what he wants, and so much depends on his personal preferences, the toys he has already, and the sort of play activities he enjoys. The chart below, however, aims to give an approximate guide to suitable types of toys:
Age: 0 - 3 months.
Toy: A cuddly soft toy that he's had from birth or a solid rattle that he can shake, bite, or throw. He will also enjoy any soft, colourful bright toy that he can grip tightly.
Game: Attract his attention to a toy or small object that you put in his line of vision. Then gently move the object from one side to the other. Your baby will track the movement with his eyes.
Age: 3 months.
Toy: An activity center attached to the side of his crib (but within reach) or a multi-gym that hangs above him (also within reach) will provide hours of endless fun as he explores it.
Game: When he is awake and lying down in his crib or on a soft mat on the floor, place a toy a little bit away from him. He will stretch one arm to get hold of it.
Age: 6 months.
Toy: Now that he moves around the floor without help, his interest is drawn to play mats, which are soft to touch, have eye-catching patterns, and have soft toys attached to them.
Game: Sit your baby on your knee and gently "bounce" him up and down, while holding him under his arms. The rocking movement will make him giggle.
Age: 9 months.
Toy: Your baby probably won't have said his first word yet, but he will still enjoy looking at picture books, especially soft ones that are lovely to touch and have plenty of colour.
Game: Read him lots of stories, while holding him cuddled to you. Your infant will look at you intently while you speak, responding to any change in your tone.
Age: 1 year.
Toy: Your toddler sits for ages playing with construction toys, whether it is a bag of soft cubes or a pile of small, coloured, wooden building blocks.
Game: He will imitate your actions; for instance, when you wave good-bye, he will have a big smile on his face as he does the same thing, too.
Age: 15 months.
Toy: Toy musical instruments are great fun at this age, but prepare yourself for the noise! He will also like pretending to talk on a toy telephone.
Game: Test your toddler's listening skills. While he concentrates on his own activity, talk to someone else and then gently insert his name into the conversation. He will turn his head.
Age: 18 months [year and a half].
Toy: He concentrates intently on basic, inset boards made of wood, which have chunky shapes, such as fruit or animals, that fit into a flat wooden frame.
Game: Play a simple memory game with him. For instance, see you put his cuddly toy away and ask "Where's Teddy?" He will hurry over to find it, pleased with himself.
Age: 21 months.
Toy: People and animal figures are often popular at this age. He loves placing them in positions around the room. He also enjoys leafing through picture books.
Game: Play the "messy" game, where he rolls up his sleeves and mixes up sand and water, or paints with his fingers. Expect him to make a mess.
Age: 2 years.
Toy: Children this age have fun on walker-toys, which enable them to sit astride the toy comfortably and push it along the floor with their feet, either inside or outside.
Game: Your two-year-old smiles broadly when you play action rhymes with him, such as "I'm a little teapot" or "itsy bitsy spider", and will co-ordinate his movement with yours.
~
(pages 95 - 96)
Beating the First-Time Father Blues
It's a fact. According to some studies, first-time fathers can suffer from baby blues and postnatal depression during the early months of their baby's life. Maybe you thought this was the perogative of women only. If so, you are misinformed. Don't be skeptical. Men are psychologically vulnerable too when they become a dad. The pressures, demands, and expectations placed upon a first-time father can create plenty of stress. In most instances, dads cope effectively but a small minority of them find everything a bit too much. Here are some of the symptoms of the first-time father blues:
- Poor sleeping patterns: You feel exhausted every night and yet unable to sleep even though the baby goes through the night without a murmur.
- Increased anxiety: There is a greater level of anxiety about everyday occurances, those that were dealt with comfortably a few months ago.
- Tearfulness: There is a tendency to become tearful at incidents which are apparently trivial; real men can, and do, cry at times.
- Loss of sex drive: Despite having a romantic setting and a responsive partner, the desire for sex greatly diminishes.
- Alienation: There can be a sense of detachment, a feeling of being unconnected with the care of the baby and the family.
Plenty of dad sail through the early months of their baby's life without any of these symptoms, while others experience them only occasionally, an da few experience them in the extreme. It is important to recognize and address these difficulties if they occur. Although the first-time father blues can go away spontaneously in some instances, you may need to to give them a gentle prod to push them into touch.
Beating the blues
The first step in pulling yourself out of these low moods is to understand that things will get better. This emotional state you are in does not have to be permanent - tell yourself that you can, and are, going to get over it. the problem is that men aren't good with feelings, especially unhappy feelings, and the first-time father blues may be the only time in your life when you have felt really down and miserable, which makes the whole situation a little bit more uncomfortable for you. Keep telling yourself that you cn restore the emotional balance into your life, however.
Be honest with your partner. The first-time father blues is not a sign of weakness, noro does it mean that there is something deeply flawed in your character. All it means is that you are just a bit stressed out right now. So tell her what you feel. Your partner would much rather you were open and candid with your feelings, than have to guess why you are so moody these days.
Fight any urges you might have to isolate yourself from your baby. The involvement you have achieved until now needs to be continued and strengthened. Each caring act you do for your baby makes you stronger as a father.
Get yourself physically fit again, by ensuring you get regular exercise. It's also important to get plenty of rest. True, this isn't easy if your baby sleeps badly at night, but you and your partner can arrange to take turns at getting up during the night so that each of you has undisturbed sleep at least every alternate night. Cut down on alcohol, too, which will only contribute to your depression.
Evenings out with your partner will aid your recovery from the blues very effectively. It's all too easy to get locked into your own downward spiral of negative thougths and feelings, particularly when you have no break from your daily routine. Although you might not feel like a night out (because you are tired, anxious, and lethargic), make those theatre or movie reservations and go anyway. The change of environment has a positive effect.
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Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 2:05 pm
Book Excerpt From Chapter 5 - "Suddenly Your Baby Is a Person"
(pages 104 - 106)
The Terrible Twos
Before you had children of your own, you would walk around the supermarket frowning at those imcompetent dads who seemed totally unable to control their loud, demanding two-year-olds. Now you have a two-year-old yourself, you have suddenly become that father! having an opinion about what other fathers should do with their children is always easier than actually dealing with the same behavior from your own toddler.
This period is sometimes known as "the terrible twos" because it is during this time that children start to assert themselves. They have their own ideas, their own wishes, and if they cant get what they want (or if Dad has the audacity to stand in the way of those wishes), they may explode in temper. Over the next couple of years, your child will gradually gain conttrol over his or her temper, and grow increasingly aware of social rules and other people's feelings. For the time being, however, you have to consider how you will manage her two-year-old tantrums specifically, and your child's tendency to test all rules in general.
Dad the Disciplinarian?
During this phase of development, your style of discipline emerges more firmly, because you have to manage your toddler's demands every single day. So think about the sort of dad you want to be when it comes to discipline. Of course, sometimes you are forced into a pattern of response that you dislike; you may come home from work at the end of a long, tiring day, looking forward to spending some time relaxing with your delightful two-year-old, only to be met with your partner's frustrated and anguished comment, "she's been behaving so badly today, I've told her you are going to be very angry with her." This puts you in something of a difficult situation. It is therefore best to have a well-considered view of discipline, which will enable you to maintain consistency.
There are 3 Types of Disciplining Dads:
1) The strict father.
He has a clear idea of behavior rules and won't stand for any nonsense. When his child misbehaves, he is punished. Rules are rules, and they are for the child's own benefit.
The permissive father.
He thinks that rules inhibit his child's development. There is plenty of time to learn about limits later in life; for now, the child should be allowed freedom to do what he wants. He only reprimands him when he hurts other children or makes them cry.
The flexible father.
He thinks that rules are good for his child because they help him learn how to behave, and he uses a balance of rewards and punishments in order to guide his child's actions. Underlying his style of discpline is the willingness to be flexible.
How have you dealt with discipline until now? How do your ideas fit into these three models of fathering? You probably see something of all of these in yourself. Discipline is a matter of choice and you will notice a wide variation in the way fathers set rules and encourage suitable behavior in their children. It's worth noting, though, that children of all ages generally dislike extremes in parenting. In most instances, a balanced approach, rather like the "flexible father" model, is the one that works best.
Whatever style of discipline you adopt, there should be two key principles to which you should adhere. First, there should be clarity. You can't expect your toddler to guess who you want him or her to behave: your child needs to learn what the rules are from you before he finds himself in trouble for breaking a rule he never realized existed. Make sure your child knows the limits and expectations you have of his or her behavior. Second, there should be consistency. By all means be flexible, but in general be consistent with your style of discipline because this will enable your two-year-old to learn and adapt more quickly.
~
(pages 115 - 116)
When Your Child Is Anxious
Men are often raised in the belief that they should control their anxieties and fears. Of course, this doesn't apply to every single human being, but in general men are expected to conceal their fear, to conquer it, and to get on with their life as though anxiety were an alien emotion. If you have been brought up to manage fear and anxiety in this controlled, rigerous way, it will reflect in the way you handle your child when he or she is anxious. However, you can do a lot more to help your child by adopting a broader view of anxiety management.
Virutally every young child is anxious and afraid sometimes. They may, for example, burst into tears when firhgt on realizing they are going to be left at preschool for the first time, or may shriek with terror at the sight of a spider crawling out from under their bed. Fears during childhood are usually mild and don't have any significant impact unless your child is actually confronted with the focus of his fear (such as actually seeing a spider). Sometimes fears are intense enough to have a disruptive effect on a child's life, but this is quite rare. So there is no need to be afraid of your child's fear.
Studies show that around 90% of children under the age of 5 or 6 have a mild fear at some point, which suggests that the development of such fears is perfectly normal. A child aged between 3 and 5 will, typically, have approximately 3 different fears, although some will have more and some will have less. Children in this age group show evidence of being afraid on average once every 4 or 5 days, although a lot depends on the individual child. Research also shows that girls tend to have more fears than boys, and boys' fears tend usually to be less intense than the fears of girls.
Knowing When Your Child Is Anxious
Sometimes you know immediately when your child is afraid - the look on his face and his tense body language are very clear. However, fear and anxiety can manifest themselves in many different ways, including:
- Loss of speech or stuttering
- Shaking, tears, and perspiration
- Clinging tightly to you
- Loss of appetite
- Lethargy and reluctance to play
- Unexpected aggression and irritability
- Arguing with friends
Bear in mind that noticing any of the above occasionally doesn't always mean your child is afraid. He might not want to admit his fear to his father (for example, because you told him previously that only babies are afraid), and he may need encouragement to tell you what's troubling him. Although your child's fear or anxiety may seem trivial to you, it is very real to him.
Typical Anxieties - What to Expect
Psychologists have been researching the nature of children's fears and anxieties for almost a century, and the results prove that a child can be afraid of anything. Perhaps the most common childhood terror is the fear of small animals and insects, although many children are afraid of the dark.
There is also the anxiety associated with failure. Your child wants to achieve, but if he is afraid of failure, he may be unwilling to try anything difficult for him. He may also have a fear of strangers, a particularly common anxiety at this age. One minute your child forges off to explore new territory on his own, and the next minute he runs back to you screaming hysterically because someone he doesn't know just talked to him!
~
(pages 121 - 122)
Starting School
You are a very proud first-time father, and quite rightly so. After all, your child has nearly reached school age and has made so many wonderful achievements so far. But now is also a good time for you to stop and think, and clarify your ideas and expectations of your child's future schooling. Don't be the sort of first-time father who expects his child to have a similar pattern of experiences as he himself did when he attended school. Maybe your child will react to school the way you did, or maybe won't. Let him be the unique, marvelous individual that he is, without trying to constrain him into preconceived patterns of behavior and development.
Early Educational Skills
First-time dads typically place great importance on their child's acquisition of early educational skills because they know that progress in school depends on ability, learning, and knowledge.
Now is the time when you can have a very positive influence on your child's early learning skills. With reading, encourage your child's familiarity with books, read stories, explain that a book has an author and a title, and let your child watch you point your way through the text and pictures as you read. Talk to your child about the story; listen to his opinions. Ask him questions about the book's theme and characters. You can also help by pointing out what psychologists call "environmental print" to your child - this includes the names of stores, road signs, street names, logos, and so on. Your child will probably be able to identify these before he reads his first word from a book.
Participating in painting and drawing activities will help in the development of your child's writing skills. You can also write a simple pattern and ask your child to continue the pattern. He enjoys tracing over large letters, and joining preset patterns of dots that can be formed into letter shapes. It's always good to start with the letters that spell your child's own name, because he will be very excited when he recognizes them.
Your child's understanding of numbers generally develops at the age of about 2. Give him simple matching activities such as putting all of the triangle or circle shapes together, or putting all of the objects that are red into one pile. Count the steps as he climbs them. At first, he simply recites the numbers, but it is a good start on which to build a more substantial understanding later. Your child will gradually learn the shapes of the different numbers.
What matters is that teaching these early skills to your child should be fun. He doesn't want to learn formally as though you were a teacher: you are his dad and he wants to enjoy himself in your company. Some first-time fathers experience frustration when their child fails to learn new educational concepts; as a result those early learning experiences turn into confrontations, the enjoyment evaporates, and both father and child are left in a miserable mood. Be patient with your child. Try to avoid pushing him too hard; there is plenty of time for him to build his learning.
Attitude
Perhaps more than early educational skills, your child's attitude towards school, learning, inquiry, and the challenge of the new has a huge influence on his subsequent educational progress. The way he approaches schooling greatly determines his potential achievements. This is where fathers come in, because at this age children take on board many of their views. So if you regale him with long tales of how you cut classes, were rude to your teachers, and generally treated school as one long party, your child may well adopt a similar outlook. Encourage him to have a positive, enthusiastic approach.
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Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 2:08 pm
Book Excerpt From Chapter 6 - "When Things Prove Difficult"
(pages 130 - 131)
Seperation and Divorce - You Are Still A Dad
With a steady increase in the seperation and divorce rate in modern society, more and more children are having to come to terms with the reality that their parents need to live apart. In mos tinstances the mother retains custody of the child while the father has occasional access. (Of course, there are times when the first-time father gains custody but these are less frequent.) If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of breaking up permanently with your partner, you not only have to deal with your emotional trauma, you will also have to think of your child. He, too, will be affected emotionally by the family split - even toddlers have been known to show signs of psychological diturbance as a result of parental seperation.
Easing the Blow
There are several strategies to help your child adjust to the family break-up. First, treat your child seriously. There is no doubt you have a lot to handle, what with the psychological pain of losing a partner and the practicalities of dividing up a family home and finding new accomodations. These factors alone could keep you fully occupied. But your child is in there somewhere, too, and he needs you more than ever at this moment. Some first-time dads assume in error that because their child is only 4 or 5 years old, they won't notice anything is wrong or perhaps they'll accept Dad's little white lie that he is moving out because of work. Don't delude yourself.
Second, explain what is happening at a level appropriate to your child's understanding. Children are smart, their instincts tell them when something is wrong, and they want to be brought into the picture. If you try to shut your child out because you and your partner are so focused on your own difficulties, the child will find a way to become the center of attention. He may start to misbehave, or maybe he will become lethargic. Whatever behavioral sign he displays, his emotional distress will show through until you can ignore it no longer. Admit that your child is a sensitive, aware individual, and keep him broadly informed of developments (although he will not benefit from hearing all the intimate details of your split).
Third, don't use your child as a weapon with which to get back at your partner. The temptation to get revenge for the mess you are in right now can be very strong, and your child matters very much to your ex-partner. But he should not become part of the armory used by the adults. Such a maneuver - blaming your ex-partner, for example, or playing around with the dates of access visits - will destroy your child's security even further. Losing his family is a difficult enough upheaval, and you should not make matters worse by placing your child under neccessary strain.
Finally, make sure you maintain regular contact with your child, no matter how miserable things might become between you and your ex-partner. Evidence from research shows time and again that the children who adjust best to the divorce of their parents are the ones who keep frequent and predictable contact with their noncustodial parent (who is usually their father). At times this can be hard to do. Some first-time fathers believe that it would be best their child's best interests to have a clean break from them, to enable the child and his mother to start afresh. That's a recipe for emotional disaster as far as your child is concerned. No matter how difficult life becomes for you and your ex-partner, you are still your child's father and he still needs you. So arrange those contact visits well in advance. This helps your child plan and anticipate seeing you. Turn up in plenty of time. Don't let anything else cause you to change the date or postpone. Every access visit you have with your child rebuilds his confidence and security.
~
(pages 140 - 141)
Positive Fathering
Congratulations! You've done it! You have survived the time from the conception, through the birth, to the first few years of your child's upbringing. Climb the honors platform, and receive the "Best First-Time Father I Can Be" award.
As you've learned by now, however, fathering has its ups and downs, its good times and bad times. And when things prove difficult, it's easy for negative thoughts to flood your mind. That's why it's good to have strategies for positive fathering and techniques to clear your mind, to encourage your optimistic attitude to being a dad.
How to Become a Positive Father
Positive fathering is not simply about pretending that everything in Dad's garden is rosy (because it isn't). It is rather about developing strategies for managing your child and your role as a father in an effective way, so that you feel good about yourself. Positive fathering is about taking the initiative, planning ahead, and regaining control of your life. And let's face it, if you feel good about yourself this will have a positive effect for everyone else in your family. So make a determined effort to become a positive father. When you feel sorry for yourself and undervalued, consider the following suggestions that will help you banish these thoughts:
- Take an objective view. The problem with being a dad is that you are so busy looking after your child and family that you rarely have time to think about it. So take a few minutes to reflect on your life. Maybe you don't have to do absolutely everything to be the perfect dad, as you see it. For example, your child will survive if you don't take her to the park yet again this week.
- Plan short breaks. Try to organize weekends so that occasionally you and your child and partner get away somewhere for an overnight stay somewhere. Tell yourself that all you need, and deserve, is a short break, and make it a priority. You will feel much more refreshed on your return.
- Monitor yourself. No dad likes to think that he is negative towards his young child, but it is easy to fall into this trap. Think about the number of times you have reprimanded your child today. Maybe you could have been less negative, or perhaps even ignored some of his or her more minor misbehavior altogether.
- Emphasize your child's good behavior. When you see moments of good behavior - for instance, when your child is playing quietly with her toys - let her know how pleased you are with this behavior. This helps both you and your child realize that there are good moments too, and that there aren't arguements all the time.
- Ask for help. You can't possibly know the answer to everything. Don't be afriad to ask for help and advice from your partner or from a close friend if you are unsure how to deal with a particular problem. Hearing someone else's perspective may give you fresh ideas on how to manage your child. You'll feel more positive about fatherhood afterward.
- Pay yourself on the back. Tell yourself each day that you are doing a good job as a first-time father. Reflect on at least one incident tht day which you handled really well. Be proud of yourself as a dad.
- Have pride in your child. Your child may be very annoying at times with moans and complaints, but is also a unique individual who does new things every day. You can't fail to notice the new skills yourchild acquires from year to year. Remind yourself to be proud of this progress.
- Have realistic expectations of yourself. Positive fathering also means that you need to recognize your own limitations as a father. Every first-time father wants to be the best parent in the world, but be realistic and just do your best, even if it does not work every time. Set yourself attainable goals instead of creating a set of expectations that are totally unrealistic.
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Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 2:11 pm
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Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 2:18 pm
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