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Rachel Raven

PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 11:40 pm


The book I have been working on for a while isnt going well...I have put on here the prologue...Please tell me what I need to change or fix it would really help me out a lot.



Prologue


The sun started to set over the mountain valley and a cool spring breeze blew across the land. Every thing was quiet and peaceful except for the small group of children who were playing next to the large pond that sat in the far north part of the Valley. They were kicking around a large brown ball trying to get it in to two holes they had dug. They all wore the same clothes; a tan cloth t-shirt and brown pants; none of them had shoes on.
“Raven pass it here!” Shouted one girl with blond hair and green eyes who was waving her arms about. Another young girl with long dark red hair and pale skin kicked the ball to the other who turned around and started kicking it to the other side of their playing field. Raven smiled warmly at the others then raced after the ball as a tall brown haired boy took it away from the other girl.
“Lilly get the ball!” Raven yelled to a black haired girl who wasn’t paying attention that the ball had rolled next to her feet. Startled Lilly looked around as if dazed then kicked the ball hard toward the blond haired girl.
“Si, over here!” Yelled forth girl with black hair who was trying to get pass a couple of boys who where blocking her way. But Si ran passed her by and used the side of her right foot to sweep it over to the side passed a small boy and into one of the holes they had dug.
All the girls cheered and shouted in victory as the boys kicked at the dirt for losing another game. Raven smiled warmly and went over to the small boy who was tossing the ball in to air. “Its ok James just keep your eye on the ball, you’ll get it soon.” She said in a soft and kind tone.
The boy looked up at her and nodded slightly, “Thanks Raven I’ll try my hardest next game.” He replied softly. As he ran to the others Raven shook her head slightly. She seemed different from the others as she didn’t have the pointed elf ears like they did. But it didn’t seem to bother her or any one else that she wasn’t the same.
Just as Raven was walking towards the others a man’s low deep voice filled the air. “COME ON CHILDREN IT’S LATE!” As the voice called out every one stopped talking and frowned. Raven waved to the others as they headed toward a small forest not far in the distance.
Turning around she headed in the opposite direction toward a small cabin that was about a quarter of a mile away. As she walked Raven looked up at the sky which was now an orange color turning in to dark blue. She could already see the moon peaking its face over the tall mountains that surrounded the valley. An owl hooted somewhere in the distance and the crickets started to chirp softly. A cold gust of wind blew over the valley making Raven shiver slightly.
It wasn’t long before she reached the small cabin and the sun had fully vanished from view. The flowers that surrounded the cabin made the air smell sweet and it made Raven yawn as she walked through the door. It was almost pitch black inside the windowless, one room cabin side for the moon light that came through the doorway. The out line of a small table and chair could barley be seen and the bed that rested on the northern side was almost invisible. Raven pulled a long gray cloak off of the chair and wrapped it around her for warmth as she sat down on the edge of the bed looking around. After a few minutes she got up and kneeled in front of the moonlit door way. She folded her hands in front of her and closed her silver colored eyes.
“Oh goddess.” She said softly praying to the night sky. “Please bless the children of the elf village with long and happy lives for they have earned it with their innocence. And please watch over me in my sleep for you are like a mother to me.” Raven got up slowly and bowed to the moonlight before she walked back to her bed and curled up in the soft pine needles that covered her bed. Soon Raven was fast asleep and deep with in her dreams of finding her home.

As the moon rose higher into the night sky five dark figures sprinted across the valley their faces and forms hidden by long black cloaks that brushed agents the ground. They moved as quietly as a falling leaf and as swiftly as a running fox towards a small wooden cabin that was surrounded by flowers. Approaching the cabin as quietly as before the five figures lowered their hoods and looked at each other. Two were women and the other three were men or at least they looked like men and women. All five of them had white skin and black lifeless eyes that seemed to see through everything.
One of the men with Jet black hair pointed towards the cabin at the woman who had dark brown hair. The woman nodded knowing what the other meant and walked soundlessly in to the cabin and up to where a young girl slept on a wooden bed. Watching the child the woman saw the girl was wrapped up in a grey cloak to shield her from the cold nights.
The woman spoke in a raspy voice that held much power behind it as she held her bony hand over the girl. “Sleep deeply and do not wake till the first light of dawn in the morrow.” As she finished speaking a dark mist came from the palm of the hand and covered the child’s form for a moment before disappearing. Nodding slightly to herself she bent down and picked up the child who didn’t even stir from her deep sleep.
When she carried the child out of the cabin the other four stared at the child in the girl’s arms. “This is the one who is said to be as powerful as our master?” Said a man with light golden blond hair in a deep very low voice. “It is just a child.” He reached forward to move the cloak away to see the child but pulled his hand away quickly when he heard a small clicking sound behind him. The third man with dirty blond hair had stepped behind the other and started tapping the handle of his sword with one of his long clawed fingernails.
Every one nodded slightly to each other and went the way they came their pace slightly slower but still fast enough to carry them a very long distance in a short time. The child still rested quietly in the woman’s arms as they ran across the valley heading towards what seemed to be a large black hole in the side of a mountain. As they moved closer the hole became a large cave entrance created long ago by a flowing river. Quickly the group descended in to the cave traveling along a narrow pathway too narrow for them to walk side by side.
The woman holding the child led the group and was looking around cautiously noticing something that wasn’t there before. Markings along the cave walls; the woman recognized them as rune marks and walked with a weary step. The marks seemed to glow as they passed them but the spells that was hidden within the ancient writing didn’t wake.
“Asrel are those…,” Asked the man with dirty blond hair as he moved up to walk next to the woman. Asrel just nodded and stayed quiet knowing the slightest spoke word out of her mouth in this place would break the spell on the child and activate the guards in the run marks.
It took them almost the entire night to travel through the cave at a much slower pace than before as they did not want to wake anything sleeping within in the cave. Once they exited they saw the sun rising above the large walls of stone that marked the path going down the mountain side. Now aware that the spell would soon break they froze in place watching the child in Asrel’s arms. Quickly the four others blocked every possible get away using them selves as a shield. Two of the men stood side by side in front of the way back into the cave and the other two stood at the entrance to the path leading down the mountain.
Asrel set the child down on the ground and took a pair of metal cuffs out of her cloak. With out a sound she took hold of the child’s hands and locked them tightly together and then attached a long chain to the cuffs.
As soon as she placed the chain on the child, the child yawned and tried to stretch. Once she found that she couldn’t the girl opened her eyes quickly and stared up at the woman. Shock and surprise swept through the young girl and she tried to get up forcing the grey cloak off of her form. Once she was on her feet the girl looked around at her captors who where smiling to hide their fear.
“Who are you?!” She demanded her fear showing clearly. This made the five relax realizing that the girl was much more scared of them than they were of her. When she didn’t get an answer she said in a more powerful voice. “I am Raven of the Mystic Elf tribe and I demand you answer me!”
The man with the jet black hair approached Raven and smiled down at her. “We know who you are young Raven.” He said simply as he kneeled down to her eye level. “And you need not know who we are. What you do need know is that if you run we will kill you and your tribe; Understand?” Raven stared at him with wide eyes at his last sentence then nodded slightly. Her good natured heart stopped her from taking any risks with the lives of her only family.
With that they started down the long winding path down the mountain side. Raven was forced to stay behind the woman whom they often called Asrel and in front of the man with Jet black who didn’t state his name to the others. Looking over her shoulder she watched her home disappear and her life of hardship appear before her
.
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 6:33 pm


I din't actually read the ENTIRE thing but it sounds good!
Keep it up!

Thief Hobbit

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