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 Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 6:30 am
Well, I only started this today, and I'd like to know what people think. Is there anything that is confusing? Is anything unnecessary? Let me know, I welcome all constructive critism. (For a bit of background that will be in the story at an earlier point (I kind of started in the middle), Fad is the name of the character, I haven't worked in that explanation yet, but it is short for Fadillo Machini. He is a forest sprite.) Prologue
Anyone looking in on the scene would think that this sleeping man had not a care in the world. His face was bright with a smile that extended all the way to his eyes and caused laugh lines to appear on either side of his nose. Yet this was not a happy man. Closer inspection revealed an emaciated body, clearly suffering. He was shackled to the floor and had the appearance of a poorly kept prisoner.
Stirring slowly, Fad awoke and his features became, once again, blank and lifeless. Leaning his bare back against the cold stone behind him, he shivered slightly. He sighed deeply as the harsh reality of the place he was in collided with the pleasant memory of his dreams. As he looked around, he picked absent-mindedly at the dried blood on his arms and wondered if he would ever leave this place. More importantly, he wondered when he would next receive a meal. His ribs stuck out so far it scared him, and his entire body seemed to have shrunk since he first woke in this chamber. The collar that had snugly fit his neck before now drooped loosely and slid back and forth whenever he moved. The shackles holding his ankles to the floor slipped around and chafed his skin. He barely had the energy to sit back up if he lay down.
Letting his head drop forward onto his chest, his pale green hair hanging limply in front of his face, Fad started his habitual practice of blinking his left eye rapidly, convinced that eventually the tears he created would bring the sight back to it. His golden eyes glittered in the darkness, the missing pupil letting the solid iris of his left eye seem to glow. Weakly, Fad lifted an arm to scratch behind his ear, trying to hide the pointed tip behind his hair, and sighed again as his stomach growled loudly. The insistence of his hunger was beginning to wear down his resolve of staying silent about his talents, and his employment of them. He never could have dreamed that such a special gift could destroy his life like this.
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Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 10:02 am
Definately continue. You have a great descriptive habit and the story in just those three paragraphs is very ineresting. Keep going.
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Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 3:56 pm
Thank-you very much. heart I'll keep posting what I have as I write it.
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 3:32 pm
Well, this is the first part of Chapter One. It isn't finished but this is what I have so far. I also added a few sentences onto the end of the Prologue so that it clued up a bit better. I'm still interested in hearing what you have to say, so give me any commentary you see fit. Chapter 1
“Come-on Fad, ye’re slowin’ us down!” Ahead, in the trees, Fad’s friend Mildor called back to him in excitement. Racing forward, Fad caught up to his two friends and the three of them continued on their flight to the river. The elders had given them a task to prove that even though they were still young, they could be useful to the clan. Mildor and Tanick were both anxious and excited about their new possible responsibility. Fad however, had needed some convincing, and was still a bit reluctant to join his friends. As they moved forward, and came closer to the stream he again began to lag behind. The task was simple, but they were only seven years old, each of them, and he was not ready to give up the freedom of youth quite yet.
The elders had placed upon them the most basic of tasks for the village life, but with some conditions. They were to fetch water from the river, one bucket each, but first they had to show that they had learned some of their connection with nature by finding the buckets in their carefully chosen hiding spots. For Fad and his two friends belonged to a clan of forest sprites that shared a close connection to the soul of all living things. At such a young age they were not expected to understand all that they heard from this connection, but they should be able to find a bucket from the complaints of the plants underneath it.
Upon reaching the banks of the river, all three friends decided to rest before beginning their hunt. As Fad sat on the soft grass he gave the customary apology for the discomfort he would cause the plant blades during his rest, in unison with Mildor and Tanick: “Forgive my weight, dear plant, so that I may pause here awhile.” Leaning back against a sturdy tree-trunk, Fad explored the area of the river with his eyes. The three friends had come here often over the years, and he knew the land well. There was the large beaver dam to his left, attached to a small spit of land in the center of the flowing water. Carp and trout jumped into the air, catching flies, and in the distance he could hear the sound of the waterfall that fed the stream. To his right there was a steep hill with some flowering bushes at the top, among which many insects and small animals could be heard rustling or buzzing in their hunt for food. Behind him, he knew that the forest stretched on and on until it gradually become the flat expanse of the Earsih Meadow, and across the river, on the far shore, the trees continued for further than any of his clan had ever ventured.
After some time had passed, and the sun was high above their heads, the friends stirred, realising without surprise that they had fallen asleep, lulled by the gentle gurgle of the water. Moving to the rivers pebbled bank, Fad splashed some water on his own face, gasping at the cold, and then scooped some into his hands and flung it at his friends laughing loudly with enjoyment. Tanick, the quietest of the group growled, as he had not been fully awake, “Fadillo! That’s not fair, we ain’t got no ammo t’ hit ye back!” Both friends jumped at him and they wrestled for a while before restoring order between themselves.
To the surprise of the others it was Fad that suggested that they begin searching for the buckets. Sensibly, he pointed out an area for each of themto work over, “Well, we may as well start our search now. Mil, ye can search ‘ere, close to th’ treeline. Tan, ye can take the bushes on the ‘illtop there, an’ I’ll go look up by th’ waterfall.”
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Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:39 am
Lovely. I really like your descriptive abilities, and how you can practically hear the accent in their voices. Only one bit of criticism for the Prologue: Quote: ... revealed an emancipated body, clearly... I'm pretty sure the word you need is emaciated. Everything else is wonderful, though. Please continue!
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Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 3:13 pm
Hey thanks! I didn't catch that one, I'll go fix that now.
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