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 Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 6:04 am
alone in an elevator; With Boys
Soft soothing music sounds from the back,
Which smells of lemon and pine,
Faintly hear the cables groan and crack,
Echoing in the interior’s lustrous design.
Straight in front a perfect line,
Where the doors meet from either side,
And sporadic scratch marks casually define
The back-and-forth path on which they glide.
Piercing silence vibrates inside,
Offset by the quiet whir while I descend.
Then the shined gold doors open wide,
Once the gentle journey reaches its end.
I gather myself before I alight,
And step out into the bustle and bright.
It's a sonnet. :3
EDUUUT: Because people told me to say. It's also PACKED FULL OF SEXUAL INNUENDO YAY ME. xD Secretly.
Because of the with boys. the with boys because of my friend.
/end explanation.
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Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 7:11 pm
not bad, very descriptive
i could imagine myself in an elevator by reading this wink
now a few pointers...
i have been assed for a whole year in AP English class
the teacher always lecturing me and taking points off
if i dont discuss the title, so yes
THE TITLE OF A POEM IS IMPORTANT
so please, explain to me why the title of this poem is
alone in an elevator; With Boys
especially the "With Boys" part
it has no connection whatsoever with the poem
plus the semi-colon is misplaced, it should be a comma.
Also, punctuation is significant in a poem
the lack or presence of punctuation helps the poem flow
and sometimes also add meaning to a poem.
For example, if a poem is about ignorance
it makes sense when the poet leaves out punctuation marks.
yea, knowing when to use enjambment and end-stopped lines
is like learning a whole different art...
your poem is only made up of description
so following basic sentence-structure would be wise.
be careful when changing focus.
i.e. the word Then (11th line) is an indication of a shift in focus
therefore you should have ended the previous line with a period.
biggrin believe me, poetry critics treat you like hell
like this domokun
you want every word, every punctuation mark
to be backed up with justification
why did you choose that word?
why'd you put a comma there instead of a colon?
so on and so forth
you rhymed well blaugh
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Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 10:55 pm
I agree with the post above me. It saved typing.
But I like it a lot.
Also, I didn't really read your poll (shame on me) and I accidentally clicked "Izzenai sucks balls."
Which, I didn't mean it. o_o I apologize.
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Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 11:44 pm
Since I think Zmorkian criticized you enough for the whole guild, all I'm going to say that, 'with boys' part is a bit odd.
Other than that, good job! ^^ Sonnets are so difficult to write, though that's probably just because I hate having to rhyme. But yes, you rhymed pretty good. No stupid slang or lines that were ugly.
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 10:44 am
lol
The 'with boys' part is a thing between me and my friend.
We were in an elevator one day, and she was like. "ALONE IN AN ELEVATOR. WITH BOYS."
Then I was like, "I'll write a poem about it." And she's like, "MAKE IT SEXUAL. mad "
So I did. Secretly. ninja
The semi-colon is 'cause I didn't want to put a period and didn't want to put a comma, since the period would be too long of a pause and the comma would've been too short of a pause. So I settled with a dot-comma (that's not how a semicolon works. xD) for an in-betweenish deal. 3nodding
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 4:33 pm
Izzenai lol The 'with boys' part is a thing between me and my friend. We were in an elevator one day, and she was like. "ALONE IN AN ELEVATOR. WITH BOYS." Then I was like, "I'll write a poem about it." And she's like, "MAKE IT SEXUAL. mad " So I did. Secretly. ninja The semi-colon is 'cause I didn't want to put a period and didn't want to put a comma, since the period would be too long of a pause and the comma would've been too short of a pause. So I settled with a dot-comma (that's not how a semicolon works. xD) for an in-betweenish deal. 3nodding hmm, i see. you should type a short explanation then wink outsiders wont understand inside jokes you know or personal preferences if this goes up for publication they'll only think about it for five minutes before chucking it and its such an elegant poem
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