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 Posted: Sun May 20, 2007 8:03 pm
I'm not quite sure if this is the correct sub-forum for this, but it seems to be the best one to put it in.
I'm pretty new at the whole "writing drabbles" thing, so if anyone here knows how to improve this, please let me know. For those of you who may not know what a drabble is, though I doubt this, it's a REALLY short story of 100 words or less. It's supposed to make a writer think about how much creativity they can put in only a few words. My inspiration for this one was a ribbon.
Unwind
Walking through the garden, the autumn sun illuminated her face. She took in the beauty of the garden; the age-old maples turning colors, the creek trickling down a knoll, the poppies pushing through the grass. Kneeling near a lonesome poppy, she carefully plucked it. Rubbing a petal between her fingers, she couldn’t help but think that it felt just like satin. She pulled it closer, coincidentally ripping the petal. Oddly enough, it continued out. Pulling further, the flower unfurled into a long ribbon. Leaving the garden, she tied the ribbon in her hair, marveling at the beautiful mysteries of nature.
Really short, I know. I'm looking for feedback and reviews for this one because to me it just seems like something is missing.
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Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 9:41 am
I'm not very familiar with drabbles personally so I don't know how much help this will be. But it seems like the ribbon's just thrown in out of nowhere and tacked on to the end. Perhaps you could flesh that out a bit more. After all it was your inspiration.
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Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 5:57 pm
That's probably it. Thanks a bundle!
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Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 4:22 pm
so, my thoughts....
well, there are a few things you might try...
first, the ribbon seems too random in this, either use more ribbons through out, or change the way it's being used. Now, this may take some of the fantasy out of the piece, but one idea may be to have the girl holding the ribbon when she walks in. She can go around the garden picking a few flowers, than use the ribbon to try them together. Or it could be in her hair, and fall out, and the last image could be one of those 'post images' when the scene is finished, but you linger to notice something out of place. Though both of these ideas stray rather far from where you started.
Another idea is to flesh out the making of the ribbon, go into more detail on the color, texture, the girl's thoughts about this oddity...
There are a lot of ways this could be changed, but it is really good the way it is... Hope that was a little helpful..
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Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 7:10 am
I have 2 thoughts on this. The first is the reference of the maples turning colors without more of a descriptive of what this means. Add in a subtle descriptive on these colors. The second is the lack of smell or texture. She touches the flower so maybe this simple act could add to the magic of the place. Third, what about the weather and the fauna of the place? Your character could hear the sound of insects in the backgrounds or even bird calls. She could feel a breeze or the cool air of that autumn day.
These are just ideas but I think that you might have a bit of fun expanding upon the scene. You just need to find a balance between the elements therein.
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Posted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 10:16 pm
Pooey. I don't really care for drabbles at all. I think it's just... A little bit non creative and too realistically adept to understand at and entertaining standard. Wow, I just used a lot of complicated words. Yay me! wink
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