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Any comment on these poems?

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Bloody Loon

PostPosted: Sun May 20, 2007 7:59 pm


Quote:
The raven caws into the night,
My teeth stained red with blood,
Among the rotting corpses,
Covered with guts and mud.

The fight lasted for hours,
I killed them one by one,
Now I must get back to my den,
In fear of the rising sun.

I ask myself,
Whilst lying in bed,
How long has it been,
Since my food has turned red?

It was one moonlit night,
Several centuries back,
I followed a temptress,
Who made me her snack.

Her fangs pierced my skin,
My blood drawing out,
My life closing it's doors,
Sucked out by her mouth.

When I awoke,
Drowsy and dead,
I was confused,
The shock hurting my head.

My thirst then took over,
And I attacked a young girl,
Drained her of blood,
And my next life then unfurled.

Past that night I've lived eons,
Free at long last,
Hunting people for blood,
Around the world so vast.


Quote:
What can we do,
When we are halted by time?
What will we do,
When we just lose our minds?

What if, just what if,
We weren't who we thought,
If the person in the mirror,
Was the one that we sought?

We see the world,
In a cascade of different hues,
But there must be a color,
That combines all our views.

I agree completely,
And I say it right here,
There is one thing that combines us,
It's known widely as fear.


Quote:
The lives of the many,
And the death of the few,
All can be measured,
But what will it do?

Some people may die,
And some people may live,
But with the world in turmoil,
What care will we give?

We will kill off the world,
To advance our desires,
Because we don't change,
Though the need is quite dire.

The mere thought of discomfort,
Fills our minds with great dread,
We think to ourselves:
'I'd rather be dead!'

So on that slight whim,
We rush off to war,
For the oil we use,
To kill ourselves more.


Quote:
Some may be crazy,
Some may have life forced upon them,
Some may be lazy,
Some may have a fear of the outside land.

The world is unforgiving
Any anomaly will be dealt with swiftly,
The world can't go on living,
With difference making it so angry.

When I look in the mirror,
It isn't ever the self that others see,
It reveals my inner horror,
And shows me the cruel reality.

The people of this world,
They just go on and live their lies,
If the saw the truth unfurled,
They would crawl into a ball and cry.

Truth is pain, truth is feared,
That is why it is so often ignored,
No one ever wishes to hear,
Comfort is so often over whored.

There is one single thought,
A central structure by which the norm is made,
It's to this the masses flock,
To them, the devils are the ones in the shade.

One with civilized eyes,
Is able to see passed the masses views,
But as much as one tries,
They won't listen to any but the leading few.


Well, please criticize... CONSTRUCTIVELY...

I will hear none of that "That sucks" or "You suck", or any such other nonsense... Please, tell me where it sucks, and what you think I could do to improve it.

Thank you.
PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 6:46 am


(I hope this is kind of what you want. Critiques were never good for me).
I like the first one. You got what seems to be a vampire's thoughts clear. It's like a short story.
The fourth one is true. I like that it captured how the world is or an be and that not much can be done about it when the masses lead.
The third one was a bit starnge when you added X and Y. It seems like a math equation, but it works. The poem itself is good and id you wanted to change X and Y you could.
I like the second one. You touched on a subject that is hard to admit to oneslf in reality.

Angel Bruja


Bloody Loon

PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 10:49 am


Thank you very much, and I think that I will replace X and Y with some.

I might have used those because they are variables in math, and I had it in my head at the time...

But, yeah, I'm glad my expression got out, and you pretty much said exactly what I wanted to be hear from them.
PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 5:22 pm


Glad to help.

Angel Bruja


Bloody Loon

PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 9:12 am


Here are a couple more:

Quote:

The times are changing,
The world is turning,
The people are fighting,
The fires are burning,

Death is accepted,
Death is a norm,
Life is rejected,
Life is a storm,

Creatures are dying,
People are dead,
Families are crying,
Nothing is said.

Heaven is deadly,
Hell is a haven,
All is in medley,
A feast of the raven,

Nothing is done,
Nothing is had,
People are shunned,
People are sad,

The world is ******** is all screwed,
We all act so shocked,
But we already knew.

This is revenge,
This was our fault,
We all might cringe,
But we know it at heart.


Quote:
When the boredom strikes,
Sucking away our will,
It glues us to the place we sit,
Looking out the window sill.

We futilely look abroad,
For something to take us away,
But we cannot do a thing,
Cannot leave the place we stay.

If anything, it is a virus,
An emotion it couldn't be.
It longs to prolong itself,
In beings such as you and me.

Boredom has been with us,
Implanted into our minds,
It controls us with the very thing,
That separates our kind.

It's remedy is simple,
But is harder than it sounds,
Just getting up and acting,
Will push it into the ground.


Quote:
Death wraps it's icy fingers around them,
I watch as their blood seeps down the wall,
A manic grin grows on my face,
As I contemplate how new victims should fall.


Quote:
Evil surrounds the good,
Darkness surrounds the light,
Flames surround the icey wind,
Death surrounds all life.

Opposites are needed,
Defining all we know,
Without them we are lost,
And would never, ever grow.

The moon reflects the sunlight,
As mirrors reflect our views,
Wrong reflects the righteous,
As opinions reflect the news.

We view the world as black and white,
Never looking at the gray,
We don't notice the in between,
Nor the ever changing shades.

Accept everything all at once,
Not just a single side,
Because without something to balance it,
The world would go out of stride.


Well, comment as per normal.
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 7:22 pm


I'm sorry to do this, but *bump*

I really would like some more criticism on these, help, please?

Bloody Loon

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