A play I wrote for my creative writing club. I never finished...But here it is.
“Orthodox”
(Stage is clear. Hiro enters from right to center front)
Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a hero. (Hiro nods) This champion’s name? Hiro! (Hiro points to self) Ah yes, he was like any hero! Brave (Hiro puts fist to chest), strong, (Hiro flexes muscles) clever (Hiro knocks at his head), and of course, rather good-looking. (He winks and points at audience) One day, in the New York town square, Hiro was drinking a slushie after finally finishing that document in the office-
Hiro: (interrupting) Excuse me, but what?
Narrator: Well, you finished that document the boss needed, so now you’re relaxing with a cherry slurpie.
Hiro: (shakes head, etc.) No no no no, I think you got this all wrong, buddy. I’m the hero, not Bob at the office. Shouldn’t I be just relaxing after making a (Hiro emphasizes italicized words dramatically) daring charge into the forbidden, deadly castle of the evil king, slaughtering the fire-breathing dragon in a deadly hand-to-hand combat, racing up to the tallest tower and awakening the beautiful, trapped maiden within the locked room with my (boastful pose, wink) awakening kiss? Then sweep her off her feet onto my stallion and so on and so forth?
Narrator: Okay, okay, so Hiro just did a buncha stuff. Happy, Mr. Pointy Shoes?
(Hiro gets run over by goose)
Hiro: (getting up, groaning) Don’t say that word!
Narrator: What word?
Hiro: The ‘s’ word!
Narrator: You mean shoe?
(Hiro gets run over by goose again)
Hiro: (gets up yet again) YES!
Narrator: Fine, fine…Note to self, blackmail Hiro with the ‘s’ word.
Hiro: I heard that!
Narrator: No you didn’t. I swear. You didn’t.
Hiro: (groans) Can we please get on with the story? A knight of my stature and good-looks can’t stand here all day! I need an adventure, a challenge!
Narrator: I was getting to that. So, after Hiro had said good-bye to the maiden in the castle and got her number, promising to call later that evening, he trotted onwards to the home of Bella Magicino, the Fairy Godmother.
Hiro: (walks off-stage) Now this is what I was talking about!
(Bella Magicino’s ‘office’. Bella is behind desk, serious look on her face. Hiro walks in, a bit confused)
Narrator: And so, after being crammed in free-way traffic for three hours behind a huge semi-truck that wouldn’t go any faster and right next to the Oscar Meiyer Weiner-mobile which happened to be broken down, Hiro finally made it to the office of the Fairy Godmother after stretching, taking a potty-break and complaining about shorts in a leather interior are not the best choice in hot weather.
Hiro: Oh be quiet, you! (clears throat) (To Bella) So…You’re the Fairy Godmother?
Bella: Noooo…I’m a chipmunk, Fairy Godmother’s next room.
Hiro: Well, I wasn’t expecting this…I mean, shouldn’t you be a sweet old lady with a wand?
Bella: (sneaky grin) I’ll be sweet for ya if ya want.
Hiro: (eyes widen) Err, no thanks. And shouldn’t this be in the middle of an enchanted forest?
Bella: Lissen, I ain’t much fer outdoors, I got allergies, y’know? Now, I called you here for a reason.
Hiro: (hopefully) A quest?
Bella: Yes, yes, a quest. That’s the Magicino family business, granting wishes, making dreams come true. For a price.
Hiro: …You’re scaring me. And wait, WHAT? I thought you just granted wishes because you were nice!
Bella: My grandmother started it, then my mother took over, now I’m in charge. (proudly) We assign the wishes and dream-come-trues, so on, so on. Of course, it’s mostly for princesses and knights, such as yourself. So, the quests we assign ya are yer payments back.
Hiro: I thought I just chose them on my own, (dramatic) I thought I was called by a light, the light of goodness to-
Bella: (interrupts) No. We assign the quests, you do’m or else you don’t get to keep all we gave ya, ya hear? I thought we told ya that in the beginning.
Voice offstage: Uh, Bella, when he wished to be the ‘Hero in a Fairy Tale’, it kinda warped his memory and focus on reality.
Bella: Dang it!
Hiro: What about my quest?
Bella: Right! Gotcha! Ok! (clears throat) Deep in the deadly forest of Hardtopronounce-
Hiro: (interested) Deadly?
Bella: Which is found beyond the perilous mountains of Extremelyhardtopronounce-
Hiro: (more interested) Perilous?
Bella: Which is right behind Pittsburg-
Hiro: (bounces up and down with excitement) Sounds like a challenge!
Bella: The ‘Secret Treasure’, a treasure that is thousands of years old…
Hiro: Is the Secret Treasure the Rolling Stones?
Bella: Okay, not that old. It has been kept captive by the evil witch Hermankidis, lies within. We don’t know what it is, but rumor has it, that once found, this ‘Secret Treasure’ is sure to grant your deepest desire. For free.
Hiro: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Bella: So, I want you to find that treasure and get rid of it. Permanently.
Hiro: Huh? Why?
Bella: Hey, I’ve been in this business long enough, I don’t need competition.
Hiro: Don’t worry, you can count (dramatic pose) on me!
Bella: Not by yerself, I can’t. That’s why I’ve assembled a team to go with. Of course, they’re all customers of mine.
Hiro: Well, alright! Sidekicks, yes, that’s what I was missing! Someone to make me look good! Of course! Bring them in!
Bella: First is Cornelia. (Cornelia walks out) (Hiro double-takes and drops jaw) She’s very smart, smarter than me! With a master’s degree in Magicology and Alchemy from Harvard, she can be quite useful. Also-
Hiro: (ignores Bella. Starts smiling and walks up to Cornelia) Hello, Ms. Cornelia. (grooms just a bit) I don’t believe you’ve had the pleasure to meet me. (grabs hand and grins. Cornelia sighs and rolls eyes) Hiro, the Hero. ‘Tis a pleasure. (is about to kiss palm)
Bella: She’s also my daughter.
Hiro: (lets go immediately, exaggerated reaction) Ack!
Bella: Next is Duke, the werewolf. Powerful and strong, but no college training. Still, he’s quite strong. ( Hiro is still ignoring Bella, whispering to Cornelia, she begins to giggle politely) (Bella clears throat) He’s also Cornelia’s fiancé.
(Duke storms out angrily, Hiro stops with another exaggerated reaction.)
Duke: (poking at Hiro’s chest) Hey, buddy, whatcha think yer doin’? Tryin’ t’take my girl? Eh? Eh?
Hiro: I’m sorry! I didn’t know!
Cornelia: Of course he couldn’t, Duke, he couldn’t see the ring. After all, there’s nothing on here! (shows her bare hand dramatically)
Duke: (groans) Not this again…
Cornelia: (nagging) Yes, THIS again! How can we even be engaged if there’s no ring? Three years, you keep promising ‘I’ll get you one, I’ll get you one’ and this finger still has no little friend! How cheap are you? (Duke covers his ears and singing randomly) And-and-and…Duke! Stop ignoring me! (Duke runs off-stage, still covering ears and blocking her out, Cornelia follows angrily) Stop it! Duke, you cheap little-
Bella: (clearing throat) Next on the team is Bertha-Katherine.
Hiro: (laughs) What kind of name is that?
Bella: Well, years ago, two sisters’ souls were fused into the same body. So, basically she has two souls, two personalities.
Hiro: What use is that?
Bella:…Comic relief.
(Bertha-Katherine walks out, as if she had been arguing with herself)
Bertha-Katherine: (sweet voice) But, Katherine! (dark voice) But Nothing! I’m sick of you blowing the money we save up on shoes! (Hiro gets run over by goose) (sweet voice) But they were pink shoes! (Hiro gets run over by goose again) (dark voice) I don’t care! You’re too impulsive! We’re gonna be broke! Let me be in charge of the money! (sweet) But…(really dark) DO IT. (sweet) Eek! Ok, ok! Scary lady. But what’s wrong with these sh-
Hiro: (yelling exhaustedly) Don’t say it!
Bertha-Katherine: You mean shoes? (Hiro gets run over by goose again)
Hiro: (sighing as he gets up) Yes…
Bertha-Katherine: (giggles) You’re funny! (dark) Hussy! (sweet) What? (walks off arguing with self)
Bella: Yes, she’s the true definition of skitsaphrenia. And last, but certainly not least! The poster boy of the quest, the male model of the year for five years in a row and the new spokesperson for Coca-Cola. Skippy the Elf!
Skippy: (skips out to Bella) (sing-songy) Hi, Bella!
(Bella and Skippy hug and begin talking of a conversation of their own. Hiro gets very annoyed)
Hiro: Can we GO now?
Skippy: (laughs) Ooh, cute sh-
Hiro: (very angry) DO NOT SAY THAT WORD!
Skippy: (hands on hips) I was gonna say cute boots. Where’ja get’m? I want some!
Hiro: Uh…
Skippy: (laughs) You’re so shy, I love it! I’m sure we’ll get along great! (hugs Hiro)
Hiro: (gasping for air) C-Can we g-go now? (Skippy releases and laughs again)
Bella: Yes, go! Go! Get out of my office! I got work t’do!
(Skippy and Hiro nod and walk off-stage)
Hiro: (as they exit) Now if you’re going to be on my team, there’s going to be some rules. Rule #1, no hugging me. Rule #2, do not say the ‘s’ word!
Skippy/Bella/Narrator: You mean shoes? (Hiro gets hit by a goose)(Other three laugh as Hiro gets to feet)
Hiro: (sighing) This isn’t what I had in mind…
Narrator: And so the team wandered onwards, but of course as one could easily predicted, they didn’t get too far…
(All of the team is on-stage, in the middle of a fight)
Skippy: (Exasperated) How could you do that, Katherine? (holding up dog) You vomited all over Fifi! (cradles Fifi, whispering to it sweetly, etc.)
Bertha-Katherine: (dark) Well, maybe if you cooked normal food, not that health-book frou-frou garbage! (Strange, demented roar)
Duke: Why don’t we let Cornelia do the cooking?
Cornelia: What? Why me? Because I’m a woman? Hm?
Duke: No-
Cornelia: Oh I get it! Since I’m a woman I’m supposed to do all the cooking and cleaning? Hm? (starts nagging on and on with more of the things on that type of subject)
Hiro: (whispering to Duke) What’s her problem?
Duke: (whispering back) She took a class in female history, she hasn’t been the same since…
Hiro: Ah.
(Bertha-Katherine has Dog in mouth. Skippy screams)
Skippy: Fifi! Gimmie back Fifi you…you meanie! (Katherine begins taunting Skippy with chewed up dog, laughing hysterically as Skippy cries) (Cornelia is still nagging)(Duke notices abused dog)
Duke: Hey hey hey! What are you doin’? (snatches dog and gives it back to Skippy) (Skippy cheers and hugs Fifi, etc.) (snapping at Katherine) You don’t treat dogs like that, no matter how demented ya are!
Bertha-Katherine: Dogs taste like candy. (demented laugh) (sweet) Katherine, stop being an evil little monster! (dark) Ozzy…..
Cornelia: Are you even listening to me?
Duke: Oh be quiet!
Skippy: (crying) Fifi’s got rabies!
Bertha-Katherine: Let me eat your dog!
Hiro: (finally exploding) Will everyone just SHUT UP!? (everyone is immediately silent)
Look, we’re NEVER gonna get even close to Pittsburg at this rate!
Skippy: (standing next to Hiro, grabbing his arm. Hiro stares) He’s right! We need to work together and all calm down.
Hiro: Let go, please.
Skippy: Oops, sorry! (laughs and lets go) I know, let’s sing a song! That always calms me down!
Duke: We could, but whenever Cornelia sings, the dogs howl.
Cornelia: (smacks Duke on the head) I can SO sing! (starts singing really badly) (Duke starts howling) (Cornelia smacks Duke on the head) Stop it! You’re so rude!
Duke: Maybe if you didn’t sing so badly!
Cornelia: I don’t need this! (storms off. Duke runs after)
Skippy: Wait! Duke! Is Fifi sick? Duke!! (runs after them)
Bertha-Katherine: (dark) Dooooog! (evil laugh) (runs after Skippy)
Hiro: (sighs) (staring into audience in a daze) I’ve been with these idiots for three days, and we’re already at each other’s throats. I don’t think I’m going to make it this time…Not because of perilous quests, but I think I’ll be taken to the asylum before anything at this rate….(sighs and walks off-stage)
(Hermankidis’s lair)
Hermankidis: (looking in mirror from chair, as if watching a TV) Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Seen…No I haven’t. What’s this? So…Bella has sent out a team of her idiots after my treasure? Hm…I can’t let that happen. Not if I can help it…
Narrator: I can help (weird laugh)
Hermankidis: (a bit surprised) Aren’t you supposed to be on their side?
Narrator: Says who?
Hermankidis: Well, I dunno…I just assumed. So, you can help?
Narrator: Yeah. But it’ll cost ya.
Hermankidis: (sighs) Nothing’s for free anymore, is it?
Narrator: Nope. First, change your name. It’s funky, crazy and really annoying to say. Second…Disco dance party.
Hermankidis: (weirded out) Err…Ok. Weirdo. Now, how can I stop them?
Narrator: I’ll get them into the cave of only slight doom!
Hermankidis: Alright… (they both do an evil laugh) Ok, stop. That’s really weird.
(Team is walking across stage, still arguing)
Narrator: And so, weeks later, the group of strangely assembled heroes walked into the cave of only slight doom.
Hiro: What? I don’t wanna go in there! It’s filled with slight doom!
Narrator: You’re going in there.
Hiro: I don’t wanna.
Narrator: Hm, Narrator controls what’s going on. You’re just a character. I win. Do it.
(Hiro groans and they walk in)
(Monster is inside)
Monster: (strange voice) Who dares enter my cave?
Bertha-Katherine: (sweet) Ur… (dark) We do! Surrender your goats and present us a show of a goose with a flower in its beak dancing upon the heads of a thousand screaming babies! (crazy laugh)
Cornelia: (covering her mouth) Err, no one! Nope, no one! Lovely place, this.
Skippy: Don’t kid me, sister. This place is in serious need of some lights, curtains and is that shag rug? (To monster) Sorry, but the 70’s are over!
Monster: (staring at him strangely) That’s my lunch.
Skippy: (Jumping up and down, sticking out tongue, waving hands, etc.) EEEUW! That’s so GROADY! EEEUW!
Hiro: (pulls Skippy aside) We’re a team assigned to find the ‘Secret Treasure’ in the Forest of Hardtopronounce! We need to go through.
Monster: (strange laugh) Ah, yes, certainly. But first you must answer a riddle!
Hiro: (groan) We don’t have time.
Narrator: So Hiro and his team accepted to take the challenge of answering the weird monster thing’s riddle. If they won, they got to go through the cave. But if they lost, they had to face a fate worse then death…
Duke: A Hanson concert?
Narrator: Precisely!
(they all scream, except Skippy)
Skippy: Heeey…I like Hanson…
Hiro: Hey, we NEVER agreed to-
Monster: Alright…What’s something you wear on your feet that has laces?
(they all begin to think hard, except Cornelia who is shocked how easy this is)
Cornelia: It’s a-
Duke: That’s a tough one…
Cornelia: But it’s-
Bertha-Katherine: I can’t think of anything…
Cornelia: I know what it-
Hiro: I think we’re doomed…
Cornelia: It’s a-
Skippy: (gasping) (waving hands excitedly) I know I know I know!
Cornelia: (rolls eyes) Finally
Skippy: It’s bologna!
(Cornelia drops jaw in disbelief)
Hiro: I don’t think anyone else here even has an idea-
Cornelia: I do!
Hiro: We’ll have to try bologna.
Duke: Sounds good to me.
Hiro: (to monster) Is the answer…Bologna?
Monster: (jaw drops) (slaps forehead) You’re kidding.
Hiro: That’s our answer.
Monster: Is that your final answer?
Hiro: That’s so old…
Monster: Wrong! Ha! Now you have to ride ‘It’s a Small World’ for the rest of your lives!
Cornelia: (shouting) No! It’s shoe! Shoe shoe shoe shoe!
(Goose runs back and forth and runs over Hiro continuously)
Monster: That is correct!
Cornelia: May we pass?
Monster: Alright…But only if you can answer this last riddle…
Duke: No.
Monster: Fine.
(Monster walks aside)
Duke: Huh. That was easier than expected.
Monster: Eh, this job gets real monotonous.
Bertha-Katherine: Three cheers for the one who solved the riddle! (Cornelia looks proud) Hiro! (Cornelia drops jaw) (Rest all cheers)
Cornelia: Hey, wait!
Duke: (pats Hiro’s back) Way to go, bud!
Cornelia: But, I-
Skippy: You did it!
Bertha-Katherine: (sweet) Ooh, he’s actually pretty handsome…
(Cornelia flings her hands up in the air and storms off angrily)
Hiro: (grinning) Yes, I managed to get us this far. Luckily this cave is a short-cut, so we’ll make it there even faster!
Duke: How do you know?
Hiro: I don’t.
Duke: Alright, let’s go!
(They all begin to walk offstage, except for Hiro)
Hiro: Yes, this is what I was talking about! Now, onwards to the forest of Hardtopronounce!
(walks offstage)
(outside cave)
(Hiro walks out first)
Hiro: Come on! It’s a beautiful night!
(the rest begin to walk out, all but Duke)
Cornelia: Come along, Duke, don’t dawdle.
Duke: I’m fine in the cave, thanks.
Cornelia: Oh what’s your problem?
Duke: …It’s a full-moon.
Cornelia: So?
Duke: Oh, sure, and you nag at me for not listening! I’m a werewolf.
Cornelia: You never told ME this!
Duke: Yes I have! And if I didn’t, isn’t it just a bit obvious? All the shedding, howling, flea collars?
Cornelia: Well…
Duke: And how I see a vet!
Cornelia: Err…
Duke: And when I got worms and started dragging my butt on the carpet?!
Cornelia: …Do that again and you are in trouble.
Duke: Anyways, I’m not coming out until mornin’.
Hiro: No! We need to keep going!
Duke: If I come out, I’ll turn into a wolfie and tear you to shreds.
Hiro: (gulping and clapping hands together) Well, let’s camp out!
(They all sit down in a circle, putting down equipment, etc.)
Bertha-Katherine: Goin’ to bed, g’night!
Skippy: Good night! Don’t wet yourself!
Bertha-Katherine: (gasping) Who told you? Aaah! (moves away from the group and lies down) (Skippy moves away and lies down as well)
Duke: Cornelia, I’m cold…
Cornelia: (Ignoring him) (To Hiro) So, you have a girl at home?
Hiro: Err, no…
Duke: Cornelia…What are you doing?
Cornelia: Well, I can see why you’re the hero, Hiro.
Hiro: Really now.
Duke: Stop it…
Cornelia: My my…Beautiful moon out…
Hiro: Sure is…
Duke: Knock it off…
(Cornelia giggles. Hiro laughs awkwardly. They scoot in just a bit)
Duke: (shouting) That’s it! Yer goin’ down! (storms out, then rushes back in covering self) Ah jeez!
Cornelia: (teasingly) What’s wrong, Duke?
Duke: Shut up…
Hiro: (laughs) This is kinda funny…
Cornelia: So…How long have you been a hero, Hiro?
Hiro: Not long, not long…
Duke: …I’m hungry…
Cornelia: (shouting at Duke) Quiet!
Hiro: Er…Right. I’m gonna go to bed now. Night. (moves over and falls asleep, Cornelia does as well)
