Ok, so I started a fanfiction. I never finished it, but I thought it was funny as hell, so...Your opinions?
Il Valzer dei Nemici Amore-Colpire
“Waltz of the Love-Struck Enemies”
It was a beautiful day in the land of Hyrule, no one could say otherwise. The sun shined blissfully upon the land, giving them all pleasant light. The flowers bloomed in a variety of gentle shades of red, blue, yellow, and safety orange. (How they got it to be that shade of orange, I’ll never know) Yes, as the alluring and pleasant aromas of spring filled all the Hyrulians’ noses, and the butterflies danced gracefully with the breeze, the birds singing merrily, the fish themselves even came upon land it was so beautiful. But, a minute afterwards, they died.
It was also a very important day, for – Oh! I forgot to get you in touch with what time it is! Well, let’s see…Seven years ago, Link defeated Ganondorf, went back to his childhood and now its seven years later. Understand? Good! And it’s also 1:30 in the afternoon, Wednesday, May 15th. Why you needed to know that? No reason.
This day was important for all the Hyrulians; it was a day of mirth and merry-making for all the races and people. A day of peace and tranquility, love and joy.
In the tower room of the castle of Hyrule, came a lovely, beautiful shout of, “Where the ******** is it?!”
In the tower room, Zelda, princess of Hyrule, glared angrily at her servant. Her face was bright red with burning frustration, the servant bowing with many apologies. Zelda continued glaring at the poor girl, then snapped, “Well!? How am I supposed to get ready for my own wedding if the dress isn’t here?!”
“I…I left it somewhere else!” the servant girl sobbed, Zelda’s temper was quite frightful, you could tell by the servant’s crap on the floor that Zelda scared out of her.
“Then go find it!” Zelda barked, turning her back to the servant.
The servant bowed once more, then immediately tore out of the tower room and rushed down the flight of stairs, searching every room of the castle for the dress. Poor, stupid servant.
Yes, this indeed was the day of Zelda’s wedding. The Groom? None other than the bold, dashing hero of the game. The man who fought monsters, broke the curses upon temples, gained the Triforce of Courage, opened the door of time, went back and forth through time, gained all the Spiritual Stones, and managed to keep his hair glistening and manageable like a good hero should! Link, of course!
The two had been dating for a while, for years actually. Link never said anything; of course, he was always the shy one when it came to women. It was actually Zelda who proposed and made all the moves.
Now, to find the groom…In one of the rooms, Link stared at the tunic he was expected to wear. He sighed; he was expecting to at least wear a tux or something without the little skirt at the end. But, there it laid, a sparkling white tunic adorned with pearls and small diamonds. It even looked just a bit long as well. An odd tunic, but if it was what Zelda wanted him to marry her in, that would have to do.
Link sighed as he held the tunic; it was awfully embarrassing for someone of his rank to get married in that. He would rather be naked, and so would all his fan-girls, and me, the Author!
Grabbing the green hat on his head, he took it off, a river of long, flowing gold hair tumbled down to his waist, glittering in the sunlight. (What? You thought he ever had time to get a haircut? Why do you think that hat was so long?) Tossing the hat aside onto the bed, he quickly chucked off the green tunic and slipped into the white one.
It really was long; it went even down to his feet. He knew that this was simply ridiculous, but if he said anything, he would have to face the wrath of her Majesty. Besides, it really was comfortable, the smooth material felt incredibly soft and light. He almost felt like a neglected side of him had been tended to, whatever neglected side that was.
“Hey! Listen!” a voice cried out.
Link turned over to his left, there floated a bright pinkish light with wings. None other then his annoying companion, Navi, the fairy. He smiled though, nodding as a signal for her to say was she was going to say.
“…I forgot what I was gonna say, Link!” Navi said.
Link rolled his eyes and gazed at himself in the tall mirror of the bedroom. He looked very much like a woman, with his long flowing blonde hair and the snow white tunic that didn’t even look like a tunic with all the decorations and fluff on it. It was a very gorgeous tunic, though. The lower part fell down to his feet, covering his legs. It was a bit puffy for the lower part, outer layers of net-like glittering mysterious stuff. The sleeves were long as well, a little tight on his arms, he felt it could’ve popped in any moment. He sort of liked the look though, he grinned playfully as he turned in every direction in front of the mirror, examining himself.
“Hey! Listen!” Navi cried again.
Link looked back in her direction, pressing the ^ button so she’d say what she had to say.
“…I forgot again!” she exclaimed.
He groaned quietly, shaking his head with great annoyance. As you remember, when he put the sword back, Navi flew away. Well, just so the young couple could have their privacy, they re-opened the door of time so they could have their time alone. And guess who was there? Navi! She didn’t fly away, she tried, but she hit the window and fell to the floor. The door had shut, so she was trapped in there for seven years! When they found her, she could barely fly; she was only a little tiny bit of light with a long beard! Navi wouldn’t leave Link alone ever since.
“Hey! Listen!” Navi shouted.
Link glared at her, pressing the ^ button once more, only hoping she remembered what she was going to say.
“…I remembered!” she said, “…Hi!”
Link’s eye twitched with great frustration, all the time of her annoying him over something as little as ‘hi’. Finally, it was going to be the end of all of this, he flung his hand at her and smashed her against the white brick wall! He removed his hand; there was pink glittery mush all over his palm, a wing connected to it. The rest was all smeared against the wall, the wing ripped a little. Navi was finally gone! And there was much rejoicing (Yaaay.). Enthusiastic rejoicing. (Yay) All the Zelda gamers stood up and cheered, it could be heard for days and days.
He stared at the glob of pink in disgust, quickly wiping it off his hands and onto the floor. Link smiled, that deed was finally over. He wished he could scream ‘Hallelujah!’, but he promised Zelda his first words ever spoken throughout his whole life would be ‘I Do.’. So, he did not speak.
Link glanced at the sun, it was almost sunset! His wedding was in about five minutes. And so, he raced down the stairs and into the Temple of Time, where the ceremony was going to be held.
The crowd was a mixture of people, all the Kokiris, Gerurdos, Gorons, Zoras and humans were there to witness Link and Zelda joined together in holy matrimony. As Link tore down the isle, nearly tripping over the long tunic, the crowd whispered quietly to one another, things such as:
“Isn’t the bride supposed to come later?”
“Why is she walking so clumsily?”
“Has Zelda been taking steroids?”
“…That was me.”
“What was - Oh my gosh! That’s nasty!”
It was clear to see that everyone in the crowd had mistaken Link for Zelda, the bride. The servant had accidentally left Zelda’s dress in Link’s room, and having seen the gown and the tunic (although he wasn’t paying much attention), looked so much alike, no one would’ve been able to tell the difference! Except for the fact that Link’s tunic was like his normal tunics. He just wasn’t paying attention, or as my aunt would say, ‘Being a guy’. Besides, he liked the gown, it was comfy!
As Link awaited Zelda, he heard the chattering of the crowd. He wanted to say something, it burned him intensely. But he had to keep his promise, although he hated that promise more than anything. Not as much as Navi, though. Then again, he hated bees more than Navi. More than bees, he hated racism. And more than racism, he hated the Gorons. (Which I admit makes no sense)
The awkwardness was soon broken into chaos and disarray as the windows all shattered into tiny shards, cutting the crowd brutally as they screamed with terror. As the screams filled the room, Link looked back and forth at the frenzy of hysterical actions, panic painted on his face. A familiar, cocky chuckle filled the entire temple, Link immediately knew who it was.
A tall man with tan, skin stood in front of the door of time. Fire red hair lay on his head, almost as if he was on fire. Aside from his midnight black armor, or the funky jewelry on his head, the thing that was most recognizable was the nose. That nose that was so large and pointed, a nose big enough to be used as a weapon and it’s sneezes could kill. This man was not invited, nor was he expected. Seven years ago, or…This year, or…You understand what I’m getting at, right? He was sent to the Evil Realm, as punishment for trying to overtake Hyrule. As the evil organ music blared in the background, the sounds of loud cries of terror filled the air, blood spraying everywhere from the glass cuts, the man chuckled. Ganondorf had returned.
Link gasped and took three safety steps back, but Ganondorf quickly grabbed Link by the wrist and yanked him over. His grin was evil and malicious, he was up to something. Link couldn’t defend himself, the Master Sword was behind the door of time and without all the gadgets he had earned before: he was defenseless! Oh no!
“Well, well, well, Princess Zelda…” Ganon cooed sarcastically, his yellow eyes sparking wildly, “Would you look at that? Your fiancé never came…He left you to wait! Link’s gone, you’re mine for the taking!”
Link gasped in horror, only to try and struggle to get out of Ganon’s clutches, but in vain. Ganon smirked evilly, his eyes still twinkling with delight.
“Now…Do you have any post-its? I want to leave a note, so then the world will know of my evilish ways!” Ganon declared.
Link searched himself for a post-it note, eventually finding a pad of them in his hair. He gave Ganon the notes, the Gerudo King of Evil smiled with delight. Pulling out a ‘Hello Kitty’ pen, he read aloud as he slowly wrote, “Dear Link. How are you? I am fine. Did you see Big Brother? Lol! I stole your girl-“
Ganon trailed off as the post-it note ripped in half. He rolled his eyes, took another post-it and began writing the same message. It soon ripped as well, he gave a shout of frustration. He smiled as he remembered, “Never mind! I have Snoopy stationary!”
So, of course, Ganon pulled out a random pack of Snoopy stationary out of his armor and began to write. Link waited patiently, rocking back and forth on his feet. The people had all run away, a huge trail of blood and urine was left. Ganon snickered as he finished, leaving the Snoopy adorned piece of paper taped on the Door of Time.
It read:
Dear Link,
How are you? I am fine. Did you see ‘Big Brother’? Lol!
It rained yesterday. I don’t like rain. It makes me sad. I’m afraid of lightning, and the loud noises scare me too. My mommy once told me that it was angels bowling. It made me feel better as I strangled her to death.
I was walking through the Kokiri forest yesterday, boy, is there a lot of bugs! I saw a cute little bunny there, too! I bent over to pet it, but it latched itself to my face with its teeth, and as I rocked back and forth screaming at the top of my lungs in agony, I wondered if I should have leftovers for dinner. So I had mac and cheese!
The Evil Realm isn’t a good place. Absolutely horrible! So many other people there, like gangs, drugees…Even the Happy Mask shop guy was there for molesting children. Well, we all saw that coming. All I can say is don’t do drugs.
Well, I gotta go now! Write back soon!
Love, Ganondorf
P.S. I stole your girlfriend
Ganondorf chuckled with triumph, then snatched Link by the wrist once again and tossed a Deku nut to the floor, making a smoke-screen diversion. As the smoke cleared, they…were still there? His hand still latched on Link’s wrist, Ganon stared at Link, then said quietly, “Yeah, we gotta start walkin’ now.”
So, Ganon yanked on Link’s arm once more, and dashed out of the temple, although he wasn’t that fast. Even the turtle was faster than him! But, due to his reputation, everyone had hidden, and no one saw his slow run to his evil lair, the ‘Princess’ being dragged behind against his will.
“Oh, what a horrible fate!” the author exclaimed, making a dramatic pose, soy sauce all over her face.. “Being forced to go with Ganon against his will, unable to say anything due to his oath to the princess, and in a dress!”
“Ma’am!” Roger, her nerd minion, exclaimed, “First of all, how could he not be paying attention? Any idiot could see that that was a dress, not a tunic!”
Author rolled her icy blue eyes, then stared at Roger as if he was an idiot. She slapped out a picture of both the tunic and the dress. They did look very similar, any idiot could get them confused. Mind you, I said idiot, and Link may be clever, but without anyone with the controller, he ain’t doin’ anything! He has no mind…
“Ok, now, why doesn’t Link just fight?” Roger complained, “You’re making him too wussy! Just because he doesn’t have the Master Sword or the Longshot or Arrows of Light or bombs or Gold Gauntlets or Megaton Hammer or a Furby doesn’t make him so weak he can’t fight!”
Author shook her head and groaned, her messy chestnut hair getting in front of her eyes. She quickly blew the hair away from her glasses-covered eyes, then grabbed a video tape and put it in her ancient VCR, her most up-to-date technology.
On the screen it showed Link and Zelda at the carnival, all the lights on and the corny music blaring. They were at the ‘Test your strength’ game, Zelda quickly begged him to win her one of the cheap prizes. Link shrugged and paid the creepy midget with the sideburns and only three teeth five rupees. His hands gripped on the handle of the mallet, Link gritted his teeth and closed his eyes, then lifted it over his head and swung it at the target with all his pent up might. As his eyes opened, he watched as it went up. Then quickly went down. Link had only made it to ‘Girly Man’. Poor Link.
Author smirked, her almost evil grin made Ganon seem like a p***y-cat. Roger put his hands on his hips, “Ok, now you’re just getting silly! Why can’t you take this fanfic seriously?!”
“’Cuz, this is a comedy!” Author declared, pounding a fist against her desk, “Lookit you! All these people wanna do is read this and have fun! But lookit you! Coming up and asking all these questions and trying to use your precious ‘logic’. Ooooh! Lookit me, I’m Roger! I can’t have fun! Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh!”
“Alright, fine, just keep going…” Roger sighed bitterly, sitting back in his chair.
“With pleasure!” Author laughed insanely, returning to the computer.
Hidden deep and secluded was Ganon’s new lair. A tall 100-ft, dark castle filled to the brim with fear and despair, one felt lost hope just by looking at it. A large moat filled with spikes, lava, whirlpools and Mer-Furbies, the most deadly thing in the water known to man and beast. That’s what Ganon would’ve liked to’ve had.
Instead of his dark, evil castle, it was much worse…A small, run-down trailer, rust all over. It was held up by cinderblocks, the picnic table in front was on the verge of collapsing. This rust-bucket truly was one of the most Redneck piece of crap mobile home known to man. That was Ganon’s evil lair.
ps. post in color-glamourgrilll
