My room mate and I find all sorts of things in the mail. Much of what we get is credit card related. One company offered me $300 of credit on a card with 22% interest. My own card from my own bank laughs uproariously at that. Others attempt to get me with enticing offers of earning gas points that will give me free gallons of gas at various filling stations. And admirable try. So sad I don't have a car. The roomie has had similar.
Other interesting mail tidbits have included protest fliers, mail order cook books, car adds.
But now there is a new King of the Junk Mail pile.
It's a chain letter.
From Jesus.
Recieved in the mail was an envelope (adressed to "resident"), the back of which said that whoever opened the envelope would be bestowed with blessings and prayers galore.
Well what could I do? I opened it.
First thing that popped out (with a few tries, Jesus packs his chain letters very tightly) was what appeared at first glance to be a poster of Jesus. It's purple and very sad looking. On the bottom it had a short message, but really the only lines you need to know are the first two.
"Look into Jesus' eyes. You will see that they are closed."
Well that's good to know. There was some writing on the back and I looked at that. "This prayer rug is soaked with the power of prayer for you. Use it immediately, then please return it with you Prayer Needs checked on our letter to you. It must be mailed to a second home that needs a blessing after you use it. Prayer works. Expect God's blessing."
So we were wrong. It is NOT in fact a depressing poster of Jesus, it's the patented Jesus Prayer Rug, which we're not allowed to keep. We must mail it forward.
Religion appears to be moving towards some dodgey methods of flock attracting.
The next thing I opened was a Prophecy Pamphlet, which then read, "DO NOT OPEN OR READ THIS UNTIL YOU HAVE MAILED THE PRAYER RUG AND ENCLOSED LETTER."
...oops. This immediately voids the written prophecies I'm guessing, and I may not redeam them for blessing points.
I figured it was time to read the letter.
Quote:
Dear...someone connected with this address.
You know you're getting a personal connection with the lord and savior here.
Quote:
People just like you are writing to this '56-year old church, telling us of all types of blessings since this church started praying with them. They are recieving divine help in the form of answered prayer. Some are seeing loved ones saved, and many of them are recieving spiritual, physical and financial blessings of all types - better jobs, raises in salaries, being able ot buy and sell homes, buying new cars, and so on. Actually, these dear people are recieving so many blessings that it is impossible to mention them all in a letter.
Read the enclosed brochure on how Mrs. Garcia used the same type of Bible faith prayer rug that we are sending to you with this letter, and how she was blassed with almost $50,000.00! Now, we must talk to you about something we see, in the Holy Spirit, concerning you and your family's needs.
God's holy blessing power is in the enclosed anointed prayer rug of faith we are loaning you to use!!!
WE MUST GIVE YOU THIS OPPORTUNITY FIRST...THEN IT MUST GO TO THE HOME OF ANOTHER DEAR FRIEND WHO NEEDS A BLESSING...you, or someone connected with this address, and another dear family are about to be blssed through this unusual, Bible Faith, Church, Prayer Rug, wjocj we are placing in your care for these next 24 important hours. Because of any needs you are facing, we want you to use this Church Prayer Rug first, then we must pass it on to another dear friend of ours who also needs a blessing. As we pray for you and everyone connected with this address, WE FEEL THAT SOMETHING VERY WONDERFUL IS TRYING TO COME TO YOU.
Read the enclosed brochure on how Mrs. Garcia used the same type of Bible faith prayer rug that we are sending to you with this letter, and how she was blassed with almost $50,000.00! Now, we must talk to you about something we see, in the Holy Spirit, concerning you and your family's needs.
God's holy blessing power is in the enclosed anointed prayer rug of faith we are loaning you to use!!!
WE MUST GIVE YOU THIS OPPORTUNITY FIRST...THEN IT MUST GO TO THE HOME OF ANOTHER DEAR FRIEND WHO NEEDS A BLESSING...you, or someone connected with this address, and another dear family are about to be blssed through this unusual, Bible Faith, Church, Prayer Rug, wjocj we are placing in your care for these next 24 important hours. Because of any needs you are facing, we want you to use this Church Prayer Rug first, then we must pass it on to another dear friend of ours who also needs a blessing. As we pray for you and everyone connected with this address, WE FEEL THAT SOMETHING VERY WONDERFUL IS TRYING TO COME TO YOU.
I'd like to state here that I have not added the bold, underlines or color for my own amusement. This is how the letter appears. It's very obnoxious. I also wonder what the letter is to the second person to recieve this prayer rug. I'm very important so I get to be first. But the second person is apparently some sort of ungodly fiend who gets only used prayer rugs.
Quote:
When you use this Faith Church Prayer Rug, go into a room where you can be along (just God and you). Turn off the television and radio and try to be by yourself when you kneel on this Holy Ghost, Bible Prayer Rug, or spread it over your knees. We want this Church Ministry, Prayer Rug to be touching both of your knees as you pray for the needs you are facing right now. It is going to be like you are kneeling before God All Mighty at the alter inside a great church of blessing. If you need more joy, peace, health, money, a new car, a new house, healing in family communication, or whatever, we, as a very old (56 year) church, want to know about it. Check your prayer needs on page two of this letter. Talk to us. This power ou and this church ministry are about to use works!
Just a note, my grandparents are buried at a church that's about 300 years old. This church is secure in it's own relgion and does not send out chain letters.
Quote:
These nest 24 important hours are crucial to you. Timing is important to God. After you kneel on this Church Prayer Rug, or place it on your knees, place it in a Bible, on Philippians 4:19. (If you don't have a Bible, it's okey - just slide it under your side of your bed, for tonight, if you can. If you can't do this, it is okay.) Leave It There No Longer Than Tonight Only! God sees. Then, in the morning it is a must that you get this unusual blessing Church Prayer Rug out of this house and back to us, here at the church's chapel prayer room, in faith. We must also have this letter back, with whatever you need prayer for, printed on page two. You must get this Bible Prayer Rug back to us so we can rush it onto another famly that's in need of a blessing. Do this without fail. Please, do not break this flow of power between us.
There's a lot more stuff after this stressing the importance of mailing the rug back, not breaking the chain, using the rug one time for tonight only, limited engagement, etc. Followed with "P.S. read your faith, Holy Ghost instructions on the enclosed, sealed prophecy, only after you have mailed this prayer rug back to the church."
I wonder what this rug is made of, perhaps the Shroud of Turin?
Meanwhile, here's the checklist you get. You're supposed to check off whatever you like.
"Dear Brothers and Sisters at Saint Matthew's 56-year old Church,
() I recieved this Church Prayer Rug you loaned me, and I used it as instructed in this letter of faith. Now, I am returning it to you for another to use.
() Yes, I do need the Lord's blessings upong my family and me! Pray for my family and me for...
[] My Soul
[] A Closer walk with Jesus
[] My health
[] A family member's health
[] Confusion in my home
[] My children
[] To stop a bad habit
[] A better job
[] A home to call my own
[] A new car
[] A money blessing
[] I want to be Saved
[] Pray for God to bless me with this ammount of money: $______
[] Please, especially pray for this person: ______
[] Enclosed is my seed gift to God's work of $______
SAINT MATTHEW'S CHURCH MUST HAVE THIS PRAYER RUG BACK. PLEASE DO NOT MISPLACE IT. IT MOST GO TO ANOTHER HOME AFTER YOU USE IT."
Well there you have it. Jesus' Chain Mail.
