Welcome to Gaia! ::

you can talk to me! I like being a shoulder for people to lean on in times of crisis. Even if I can't relate sometimes or can't do anything but give words of encouragment. sweatdrop

I don't believe it's against topic and if it were then I'd have to do alot more post deleting. I hear alot of the negative, and when you're down that is something that can amplified. So there has to be some positive in your life too. Getting a GED if you really want it is not something that is out of reach. Job skills can be learned and really there is probably more out there for you than you realise. Men can be fickle, and it is possible that you might be better off without him, though... it's not criminal to want him to stay especially if you love him. If you want to talk, we can talk. I know most people here are pretty open to talking and making friends anyhow.

I would like to start by saying thank you fro the overwhelmingly kind responses from y'all. It makes me feel much more hopeful. Although everyone who responded is now offline sweatdrop But it really cheered me up.
I think the main thing I'm having problems with is having to come to terms with the fact that I'm NEVER going to be all the things I wanted to/thought I would be.
Don't get me wrong, I think being a wife and mother is a fulfilling life, but I'm such an attention junkie at times. I dropped out of high school to become a ******** rockstar. Can you believe that s**t? Younger me was ******** retarded, but I can't exactally fault her because she was damaged by a lot of stupidity and curcumstance. Now looking back I see everything everyone said about me was true, and that somehow makes it all the worse. But what's even more horrible than assholes being right is the fact that I let down all of the people who ever believed in me.
As for my marrige it's a rollercoaster of stupidity at times. Sometimes everything is wonderful, and other times I'm just hit by the gravity of how much he hurt me. And sometimes I feel like he never wants to get better. And sometimes I feel like he hates me, but just keeps me around because he's more alone than I am and he's terrified of it. I honestly wonder if he's EVER loved me sometimes. I know if he ever read that he'd get his feelings hurt (or at least act like it), but I have no other way of dealing with it. I'm of the firm opinion that actions speak louder than words. You can say "I love you" until you're blue in the face, but it doesn't mean a damned thing unless you try to show it, you know? Or maybe I'm just an a**l retentive b***h?
I've just always longed for someone to love me unconditionally, disgusting facets and all. Someone that knows that for all my flaws and bitchiness I'm a kind and wounded person who has problems expressing feelings. I've never really had that from ANYONE. But I'm starting to wonder if I'm just a stupid daydreaming little girl. Maybe love CAN'T be like that. Between any two people in any kind of relationship, not just mates. Maybe my parents can't EVER accept the thing they know about me. Maybe a part of them will ALWAYS be a little disgusted by me even if they love me the rest of the time.
This is kind of incomplete, but I feel so damned tired after having a big mental purge like this, so maybe I'll just finish it later sweatdrop

That's pretty non-descript there. I'd have to say to you, if I may, that your past does not dictate your future. What is it you absolutely cannot change? And is it really that it's true what people have said or do you just believe what they said because your circumstances did not turn out the way you had originally planned? I have a hard time seeing you as "retarded". Long winded maybe, but so am I. Expressive, yes. Not everyone can make the "right" decision all the time and the truth is... really the best way to learn things is through making mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. You have the power to learn from them and change. And really people who believe in you will continue to believe in you. It's not circumstancial.



Sounds like you still have a lot of anger and maybe, you've not forgiven him. Don't get me wrong, you don't have to forgive him. I know people say forgive and forget but you have to know if that is right for you. If you forgive him them you have to move past what is in the past and try to trust again. If you cannot trust, then what is the point? Why be so concerned if he loved you, when I think perhaps maybe you should ask if you love him? You say you want an unconditional love. I think everyone deserves that. A love that looks past flaws. However, love is not an easy thing and I think the reason it cannot be defined is because it is a little different for all of us. Love sometimes is work just because it's not easy to live with someone in the same space year after year and not at least get on each others nerves a little bit.
Either you believe he loves you or you don't. You trust him, or you don't. Do you love him? Do you trust him? I think also maybe part of the problem is you feel like he cheated on you because of your short comings. I doubt that's true. People cheat because of their own short comings, not of that of their wives or husbands or girlfriends or boyfriends.

Thank you all for all of your kind and well thought out responses 3nodding Reading them made me feel loads better. I think I've been focousing on my percived inadequacies so much because of the whole "My husband is cheating on me crying " thing. It's getting eaiser. Thank you guys soooo much!!!

I've never really looked it like that. As I was reading it I was thinking "That's a little harsh, isn't it?" but then I was like "No. Wait a sec. That's EXACTALLY what it is. I've just been minimalizing it."
He told me he didn't want me to go on the bus so that nobody would hurt me (knowing I'm terrified of people) but come to find out it was just that he just didn't want me to find out he was cheating. He took them to all the same places I like to go that he took me. The first time he cheated on me I told him how among other things it made me sick to know someone was sitting in my spot in the car. So we bought a new one, and he said it wouldn't happen again and it DID, and I feel so sick every time we're in the car. So much so that I've vomited when we had to drive down to San Diego. I know its such a small stupid thing, but it's so ******** huge to me for some reason. He keeps saying he never ******** anyone but he took them on dates. He never really takes me anywhere. In fact while he was doing it money was disappearing and I had grown out of my underwears since I got pregnant, but he made me feel so bad every time I asked him to buy me some. I know I should be out of tears, but I'm still crying right now. I feel like such an a**!!!

YOU feel like such an a**? o_o

HE is the a**. He's wining and dining other women, and he has the stoatish audacity to guilt-trip you asking for new underpants?

Eat him, then demand alimony.