Welcome to Gaia! ::

Rp's, Life, Anime and free expression guild

Back to Guilds

 

 

Reply Written Expression
Novels

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Zenia_Loves2_Rp
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Mon Apr 30, 2007 5:05 pm


Now some people like me have the ambitions of an author to type or write a great story but have no where to put it. Well forget that put it here. Ok now this is the page where I want you to get mean if I make a speeling error, a grammer error, a mechinical error or I'm using a word repeativly tell me! I need harsh critisium!!!!!! I can't be an author if I don't know how I can fix my mistakes!!!!!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 30, 2007 6:54 pm


Untitled novel (good story no title idea)
(sidenote in this chapter when i mean elf i meen more like a world of warcraft elf not like a chirstmas elf)
Hard to believe I will be the elfen queen soon. I just don't feel ready. I don't know nearly as much as my mother does, so many spells to learn. At birth it was my destiny to be the queen a fortune teller elf confirmed it by sayin "She has big things in store for her". Something about that still bothers me I wonder if I'm destined for more. My pet wolf Destiny speaks to me ~sidenote no I'm not it crazy it talks alright?!~ "You will make a great queen princess Chlora you have nothing to fear." I smile but she can tell I have something on my mind. "Chlora what is bothering you?" "Just that fortune again."my voice is soft but you can stilll hear it I'm always very calm.

"I've pondered the same thing why didn't she say great leader? Why she has big things ahead of her." "I keep thinking maybe I was meant for more." "The elf could be off her mushroom." It was still early morning so I picked a cup flower a very tiny flower that easily collects dew. My fairy Autum flies around my hand she drinks the dew from the flower. I still remember the day I found her injuried in the fall she was different then other fairies she had red and orange leaves as an outfit most fairies have green leaves. She's great at helping me in the garden. I live in a huge treehouse about the size of a small castle with lots of rooms and a huge garden.

The good thing about living in this forest humans never come back here. I answered Destiny "She's never wrong." Autum finishes the dew. "I still think that elf is crazy." Autum starts mocking her I smile because It's really funny I never laugh. Destiny turned around "What's so funny." she snarled she doesn't like Autum much. "Is that little squirt mocking me?" "Yes." I say queitly. She sighs. I walk over to the river to look at myself. Flowers and vines cover my body my wings are out I normally dress this way. Soon I'll be wearing a gown like my mothers. Another thing I dread I have to get married I don't really want to but I do what I must.

Destiny sighed "Let's head back to the village or the queen will be worried sick." I sighed to knowing my wandering days were going to end soon. As soon as I'm queen study, practice and work. "I sense your tired would you like a ride Chlora?" I didn't mention she's a huge wolf. "I'd like that very much." I rode side sattle on her back she shot off full speed towards town. The trees went by like blurs. We were at the village before I even knew it.

She stopped and let me down. I walked through town waving at the other elves I smiled. It was nice to greet my people. I got to the castle I'd rather call it "home" but it wasn't the size of any regular tree house the other elves lived in. When I got home my mother asked calmly "Why aren't you studying?" "I needed a break to get some fresh forest air."

She sighed and sat in a chair "I'm just worried about if your ready to take my place or not. The rebel's army is getting stronger and could attackany day now." The rebels are strange creatures they hate us and like us, if theres a war with nother type of creature army they'll stand and fight with us but if not they contnuie to fight us. I think the rebel leader like me in one encounter i heard him say to my face "I think you're beautiful." and then he ran off. We have no idea why they attack us.

I sat in the chair across from my mother. I held her hand but she didn't cry. The annoying annoucer came in "We have more suiters for the princess." She sent them in. Elven men think with a pair of wings blue skin and money they are a gift from the gods. I chased them away. She looked at me angry "They seemed better then the last group." "They were but I still didn't like them." "Is anyone good enough for you?" one image popped in my mind "Yes but you'll neverfind him." I went into my room I sat on my bed. Autum went to her rose bed and fell asleep Destiny perched at the window to watch for inturders.

I had the strangest dream A women was speaking saying "The world will fall into chaos if the gauridans do not protect. Awaken now gaurdian of the forest" she waved a sceptre then I woke up tp feel strange. I looked at my palm to find a strange mark that looked like a green leaf. "How the heck did this get there?" I walked to the fortune teller elf figuring she would know a lot about this. I knocked on her door "How may I be a of serveice princess?" I showed her my hand "I need to know why i have this" her eyes got wider she pulled me inside "This is just as i predicted" "What?"
"This!" she pointed to a page in an old book to a mark that looked like mine "Chlora your the gauridan of the forest!" I started shaking and sweating. She handed me a cup of tea which i drank and I started to calm down.

Being a queen was enough now add protecting the forest and the world! "Your going to have to pick a Shinei animal" "What is that?" "An animal you trust to protect you' I thought of Destiny she watched since before I was born she'd growl if my mother did a single thing wrong. She was the only animal I trusted. "How do I pick my animal?" she gave me something it looked like a collar "Just put this on it's neck" i nodded "Thank you for your heal" she bowed and I left. I went all the way back home. I put the collar on Destiny's neck she woke up.

She woke up ang growled "Is this collar a joke?!" "No Destiny..." so i explained what little i know "Oh so I'm your protecter that's why i need this collar" "Yes Destiny" We walked to find my mother. I explained it to her "oh i get it" The royal annoucer came in "The rebel's have issued their demands"he spoke in his offical voice

"We the rebels demand these things 1. Ten thousand deblums (money) 2. Ten elves to fight for us 3. a spellbook 4. a sit down with the princess 5. five hundred acres of land on the wasteland edge" "We still refuse to comply for demand four" i remeber that was a sit down sit me "Mother I would do anything to save this land and the people in it" "Yes dear I know bu they could mean anything by sit down"we got in an arguement. I went to my room. I looked out my window Destiny was sleeping. I looked at the border where the battle would start. The next thing I know there's a dart in my arm with knock out poison. I fall to the floor the last thing I see is Jason the transfirigration genius. When I awoke I was in a gorgeous room. I'm not dreaming or hallucanting.I try to use my magic but nothing is working. An elf wearing a rebel uniform walked in "Jason wants to speak with you."

He leads me down a hallway and opens a door Jason shooed him off and shut the door. "I knew the queen would refuse so i fetched you myself"
"What is this meeting called for?" "Destiny our destiny' he showed me a mark on his hand just his leaf looked like it was dying. "This was here this morning it means I'm your enemy or" he placed his palm on mine his mark looked exactly like mine "Or it could mean we need to fill a gap"

"This brings the second issue" "i read an old book it spoke of these marks the reason behind them gaurdians anr rebels they kill each other or but I don't want to kill just the oppisite..." he toom a breath "I want to marry you. Thw queen was looking for your husband anyway correct?" i nod not being able to speak "I know you might not deserve me but I...... love you your the only thing I think about when I lye awake at night.Or your the vision of beauty that lulls me to sleep. I felt sick, happy, petrifed, swooned, heartbroken but most of all confused. "I will keep you here until you've made your decision. If you refuse I will still send you home that i won't do to you." I got out of the chair and walked back to my room.

I sat in a chair and thought. The chef looks worried I hven't eaten for two days he think's I'm going to get sick. Well I'm going into a zone out mode so I'm going to stop writing.

Zenia_Loves2_Rp
Vice Captain


hermies169

PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2007 8:02 pm


First of all, I'd like to say that it's a good story! I'm also very impressed that for the most part you don't do the worst-feared first-person blunder: Starting every sentence “I noticed” then putting someone else's action. And the “Off her mushroom” bit- I adore that type of thing. Now to get on to what you asked for: Critique.
1. I'm going to have to start out with saying that this would be so much easier for some of us to read if you formatted it differently. If you've ever read a book with dialogue, which I'm pretty confident in saying you have, then you've probably noticed that for each new speaker, they kindly clarify by putting that other character's words on the next line. For example:
Francie walked down the street and saw Nancy. “Nancy!” she called.
“Francie!” Nancy replied.
“How have you been?”
“Pretty good, even though I got thrown out of my apartment.”
“Why in the world was that!?”
“Well, apparently I haven't been paying my rent...”
...and so on. It just makes it easier to read than “Nancy!” she called.“Francie!” Nancy replied.“How have you been?”“Pretty good, even though I got thrown out of my apartment.”“Why in the world was that!?”“Well, apparently I haven't been paying my rent...” I think.
2. This may have been intentional, but the “She has big things in store for her” sounds more to me like a fortune cookie than a fortune teller. Most fortune tellers seem to be a little more eloquent, and though they may be that vague, fortune tellers are a favorite foreshadower for later plot meat.
3. I would be very interested to know WHAT IT'S LIKE to talk directly to a wolf.
4. One complete thought per sentence please. I know this is grammar, but grammar is our FRIEND.
Where am I seeing this?
Quote:
At birth it was my destiny to be the queen a fortune teller elf confirmed it by sayin

Quote:
My fairy Autum flies around my hand she drinks the dew from the flower

Quote:
I still remember the day I found her injuried in the fall she was different then other fairies she had red and orange leaves as an outfit most fairies have green leaves

Quote:
"You will make a great queen princess Chlora you have nothing to fear."

5. I Get a real kick out of imagining a tiny little fairy trying to do yardwork...I'm sure your audience would enjoy reading about it.
6. The flip side of this is having sentence fragments, sorry, but this is happening too.
Quote:
As soon as I'm queen study, practice and work.


Again, I can get the point, but it still bothers picky people like me and perhaps someday publishers.
7. Wait, who does the rebel leader think is beautiful? Specifying the speaker, especially when two people talking to each other both qualify as “she.”
8. What are the rebel's threats if you don't meet their demands?
9. “We got into an argument. I went to my room.” I beg of you, please show us, instead of telling us! There must be some emotion running through this elf's veins! We as the audience need to feel that, and we can't at all right now.
10. Which side is Jason on?
11. Err, how do you know that it was knock out poison at the time?
12. Punctuation. is, your: friend; There's a lot of difference between “Destiny our destiny,” “Destiny. Our destiny,” and “Destiny: our destiny.” (Especially with a wolf named Destiny...)
13. Do they know each other somehow other than mortal enemies? Because either way you can fit in some major internal conflict right about there...
14. If he's keeping her there why in the world does she get to go back to her room? And why was the rebel guy there? And if they're at the rebel base why does she get a room there and a caring chef? SO CONFUSED.....T-T
15. As a final note, I don't want to be a spelling grammar Nazi, but if you want to be a writer, you need me to be, or to be your own. If you don't take t he time to at the least proofread your work, no one else is going to take the time to read it.

But him wanting to marry her is really cute...just incredibly...sudden. It seems like a very major plot twist to be putting in before we even get to know the character!
PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2007 7:54 pm


Okay, this is something I'm writing along with a friend of mine, and it's called "The Nine Forests of Ubzea." This is the beginning of chapter 1: A Shadow of the Past.

Darkness was the only thing between Equilibrium Date and that shimmering longsword, but darkness was his strongest advantage. The self-imposed keeper of “order” who had chased him this deep into the forest threw his blackened, now useless torch to the ground. All Equilibrium had to do now was avoid the moonlight glancing off that metal, and his mock invisibility shield would hold. He took a few steps further into the thick shadows of the trees, making sure to hold his metal-tipped staff at a steady angle.
His pursuer cursed under his breath, still squinting around from his current vantage point. “I’m beginning to think all magic freaks are ninnies like you. Come out and face me!”
Equilibrium clenched his fists. Why did everyone think magic was so horrible? Although this man fully intended to kill him, Equal didn’t have the heart to end his hunter’s life. After all, there had been enough slaughter for one night: all his fellow mob members and rabble-rousers had killed each other in the complete blackness. But Equilibrium knew that dawn was fast approaching, so he had no option but retreat. He plowed a wide ditch with a wave of his staff as a discouragement for the man to keep chasing Equilibrium.
“I’m over here!” Equil called. He listened for the rustling path of leaves following his voice, then simply ran away. He tried to stay within sight of the man, but this city-bred was too slow in the thick undergrowth.
“Still ru-” CRASH! Equilibrium grinned. The ditch had worked. He sped untracked toward the expanding territory of the sunrise.
  
After a full day of travel, Equilibrium stumbled upon the one person he had never even considered finding here. It was a one in a million chance, but somehow it had happened. For once, it seemed destiny had defeated probability.
  
The trees released orange and red leaves to the wind and the colors met underneath Mori’s feet, as he crunched through the woods. A gentle breeze whispered of the coming season, still far off but yet seemed so close: winter.
Mori sighed and as he set his bag next to an ancient oak. He rolled his backward and stretched, loosening the stiffness in his lean muscles from a day’s traveling.
Mori’s senses became alert as the feeling of being watched came over him. As soon as he saw he was staring at him he gaped back himself. His old friend stepped out of the shaded shadows, the sunset cast dark blotches on his strong figure.
"Mori! How’ve you been?" Equil queried, finally grinning.
"Fine and yourself?" Mori responded, worn out, but amazed to see his friend after all this time.
"Same as ever." came the quick response. "So, what have you been up to since the last time I saw you?"
"Not a lot, the usual trading. When was the last time I saw you, was it two, three years ago?”
"Yeah, something like that. You’ll never guess what happened to me yesterday."
"What?" asked Mori, a bit concerned since he knew Equil’s knack for mischief.
"I was chased by an angry mob out of town." Equilibrium said, with a serious note in his voice but a grin casting little shadows on his face.
Mori was hardly surprised by Equilibrium’s response. “Why...”
“Well, you know that magic that we used to think didn’t exist? I’ve learned it.”
Mori hopped to his feet and pulled out his sword. Then muttering a few words, he turned, leaped, and swung his sword at a tree fifty meters away. A gust of wind followed his blade and sliced a branch from the tree, while an apple fell perfectly on its side. Mori walked over, picked it up, tossed it in the air and sliced it in half with his blade, tossing a half to Equilibrium.
"Throughout my travels, I met a wise priest who showed me that trick. He compared it to using nature to aid you. That trick has served me well."
Equal could do nothing but laugh. “Still carrying around that old chunk of metal?” he asked, nodding toward his sword.
“Yes.” The sword didn’t gleam or reflect a fair knight’s face. It was a true battered weapon of war.
Suddenly, Mori sensed something in the woods, he looked up in time to see a wolf transform into a young woman, armed with two swords. Equal followed his gaze, but only saw the girl, not the transformation.
“What the-” Mori grabbed for his sword and carefully watched the young woman.
“What’s wrong?” Equilibrium murmured to Mori, gripping his staff a little tighter as he showed his own concern and curiosity. Slowly Mori stood up, Equal following his cue. The woman watched them intently, seeming to search for any tricks or deceit. No movement came from her, she stood as still as a statue, the only thing showing she wasn’t wrought of stone was her brown hair that waved behind her in the wind with a life of its own.

hermies169

Reply
Written Expression

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum