[edited] Untitled Poem - PLEASE READ | Page 1 | [-Paper Sex-]`Novels, Short Stories, Poems, Ideas, Etc. | Guild Forums

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[edited] Untitled Poem - PLEASE READ

Baby Athena
Crew

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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 2:36 pm

(I wrote it in about 2 minutes...so it's very rough....please give me any constructive critisism or just tell me if you like it or not!)

Confused about everything
Puzzled when it comes to love
Baffled about life
Perplexed as to who I am
Where I’m going
What I’m doing

I took off my ring
So I could look into my heart
And see if I want
You next to me; forever with me

I love you
But what does that mean?
I want you
At least I think
I don’t know
Who I want to be anymore
But I’ll be who they want me to be

I’ll fight for the life
You all want me to have
And die sad and cold in the end

All this time I've known
That my life was never my own
My life has never belonged to me

So I will be their puppet
And play their little game
But, I will hold onto him
For me and me alone
Because he’s the only one who lets me be the person I am
He's the only one who really sees what I'm really about
And the only one who loves me for the individuality in me

Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 3:42 pm

I like it.
But.
For me there are too many repeating words and sounds.
Like 'to' in the second stanza.
And so on.

[-Toxic Love-]
Captain

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Baby Athena
Crew

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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 11:35 pm

I editted it!!!
Including some of the repetidness in it...
Is it better?! Any other critisism?!

ps: I want critisism so i can make it better...

Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 10:01 am

Hmmm...
The only other thing I can think of right now...
Is I dun' understand the ring thing.
Where it says you took off your ring to look into your heart.
Ch'yeah.
I don't get that.

[-Toxic Love-]
Captain

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Baby Athena
Crew

Offline

Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 10:28 am

My engagement ring...i took it off because i think it tends to cloud my reality in my relationship....idk
I still haven't put it on though...

does that make sense now, or am i making no sense?!