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 Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 7:44 pm
Well anyways this is one of my best stories so far (or my favorite). Sorry about the intro I really don't have a hook which I plan on fixing. Some chapters may have little notes in "[]" brackets so watch out for those. I tend to go back on my chapters. Well yeah, read and tell me what you think of it. Mwahaha, since you guys are supposed to be pro at grammar and stuff, please find out my flaws :XP:. My main thread is in the forum righty hereCh1
The Waves
Valan smelled the sea water with arms wide letting the breeze flow by him. The waves crashed sending a sharp mist of cold water upon his face.
“I say he’s gone crazy,” mumbled Lilith to Fidilé.
“Can’t you hear the ocean Gareth” Valan took in a large breathe “it’s calling out for me.”
The group of friends who referred to each other as family stood on their cliff, an area that had been embedded into their hearts. Whenever anything special happened or anything important needed to be done or said, it was here. It was a small cliff that had begun to erode from the waves. When the waves were low, the friends would climb down the overpass and enter a cave inside the cliff.
“Ok we should go back now, the waves are getting stronger and I’m going to have to sleep in these clothes. Valan, why do you want to be a pirate? You’re always going to get wet,” said Fidilé. She brushed the dirt off her butt and straightened her dress. “This is all I have left unless one of you boys wants to make me something”
The friends were peasants. The only thing they owned was a few sets of clothing and their barn. Their parents had died from a recent raid by thieves. Once the town had heard of their lost, they pillaged the houses of the families and took their settlements. Valan had owned a barn so the “family” took refuge there because it was all that was left that wasn’t taken.
Another wave crashed and engulfed Valan. He pushed his bangs to the side as they poked his eyes.
“Beats taking a bath,” Gareth smirked from his tree. “Come on its starting to get late we should start a fire.”
“Eih, I still have another set of clothes that I can wear” Valan said. At the mention of the clothes Lilith let her head drop. “Whats wrong?” Valan replied to the gesture cluelessly.
“Yeah, about that” Lilith let the sentence hang then said “We used that to patch up Fidilé’s dress.” She smiled innocently.
Valan pointed to her “You gotta stop smiling like that. Makes me feel all giddy and happy.” He then shivered from the cold. It was mid-autumn and they needed more clothes for warmth.
“Isn’t that a good thing?” she replied.
Valan smiled back and started walking home with the family trailing behind. They picked up dried grass and small branches for tinder. Gareth, being the strongest one, was responsible for chopping wood for the fires. Valan was the wise one, the one that had taught them all how to survive without utensils and other items that could be found in houses. Fidilé and Lilith were just helpers and usually did any work that could be found in town for money.
“Home sweet home” Valan yelled as he walked in through the doors of the barn. Gareth had fixed the holes on the ceilings and patched up everything to make sure it was safe. He had done it on the first week they lived there. There was a top floor with hay where they slept and the floor had carpets sprawled over the place each indicating a certain area in the house. Valan clapped twice “You know the routine, double time soldiers!” He was usually cheery after enjoying the sea.
The girls started the fire while Gareth went out back to get some logs. Valan followed behind to the area where they had gathered salt water. There were six buckets, naturally they sold the salt to the villagers for money but their business was beginning to get low. There was a small jar where they kept their salt to use for their food. He got it and went back to the barn to toss it to the girls. The fire was almost done and Valan waited outside.
“Fish tonight right?” Valan yelled through the doors of the barn.
“Yes” came back a muffled voice. Valan waited outside for five minutes and then they came out.
“So, are we gonna go? I don’t like it when I eat hungry, just makes me feel hungrier in the morning” Gareth moaned.
Ch2
Crickets
Gareth and Valan walked deeper into the lake to avoid getting their lines stuck in the rocks. They couldn’t afford losing fishing lines. The girls treaded around the shallow area of the lake with their nets in the water. Usually there was a small catch of crabs and if they were lucky, they wouldn’t snag the nets.
“Hmm, bad fishing season, I hope we still can get a catch tho-“ Valan was cut off as his line pulled him into the water. Gareth jumped to grab him and pulled him up.
“You think you can handle this one?” Gareth asked
“No, this one’s too strong. Get your line up and help me with this one.” Valan replied. Gareth quickly pulled his line up and to his surprise, there was a fish. He set his line and the fish on the shore as Valan struggled to keep steady. The girls saw and pulled their nets onto the shore as well. They had a catch but it wasn’t large. They all ran to Valan and helped him
pull.
“Gahh, I’m surprised the line didn’t break yet. Gareth go get the ‘stick’.” Valan said. A smile spread across Gareth’s face.
“What’s the stick?” asked one of the girls.
“You’ll see.”
Gareth ran to the barn and ran back. In his hand was a stiff looking branch and on the tip was a sharp spearhead. Gareth didn’t need an explanation of what to do. When the fish came in close, Gareth would throw the spear with all his strength. He had practiced and his accuracy was near perfect. If he did happen to miss, making a new spear and finding the right branch might take them a few months.
The catch slowly came in and receded back in but it was surely getting closer to the shore. Gareth’s hands sweat as he gripped the spear tightly. Valan had taken the toll on his shoulders as the catch swerved back in. It jerked but Valan used all his might to keep it in.
“Gareth hurry, I can’t take this much longer!” yelled Valan. Gareth kept his eyes focused on the water waiting for the “fish” to emerge. Ever since the constant struggle, they lost all believing it was a fish. Gareth saw a tail flick up a bit and then it jumped out.
“Hyahh!” Gareth roared. The spear pierced the chest of the “fish” and blood gushed out from the wound. It started to weaken and then started to drift from the pull of Valan’s fishing line. Valan and Gareth pulled it up to the shore and then dropped to the floor. The girls laughed, the buys didn’t know why but they smiled along. They got up and picked up their things. Valan and Gareth hefted the “fish” on their shoulders and started for home.
“What do you think it is?” Fidilé asked poking its side.
“I think it’s a shark” chimed in Lilith.
Valan sighed and shook his head “Don’t you know anything? It’s food! Also looks like we’re all going to be sleeping wet.”
Gareth smirked and stiffened his shoulder to help better his side of the weight. Valan was hunched over because he was weaker and couldn’t bear most of the weight.
“Hear that Gareth, it’s the sound of crickets” said Valan.
“Please don’t go crazy right now Valan” Gareth smiled back.
Ch3
Night
Valan and Gareth sat shirtless; the shirts were drying by the fire. Lilith was behind Valan massaging his back and shoulders as was Fidilé with Gareth. They had just recently finished eating Valan’s catch and decided to call it the “fark” after its fishlike appearance but shark-like aggressiveness. They laid out pieces to make fark jerkeys.
“Mmm, that feels good. I can’t believe I had to catch the fark.” Valan said. He was exhausted after the “battle” with the fark. “Why couldn’t Gareth get it? I wouldn’t have to suffererererer” Valan said going quieter with each “er”.
“God wanted to test your strength” Gareth said from his side of the fire. Valan replied with a blank stare.
“You can stop now Lith” Valan whispered to her. He obviously showed favoritism for Lilith over everyone else. She was the only one who he gave a nickname. “Let your fingers rest”
“Okie, but if your shoulders ache tell me, okay?” Lilith said with a caring voice.
Valan nodded in reply. Lilith sat next to him and lay her head down on his shoulder. He set his cheek on her head and wrapped his arms around her waist. She was noticeable skinnier than she used to be. He also missed how her hair used to be soft and smooth. Over time it became dry and frizzy without proper care.
“You need a bath Lith” Valan murmured.
“Well you smell horrible too” Lilith laughed back.
Gareth was sickened by their affection. He never really got close to Fidié either. “You can rest too Fiddy” Gareth told her. She plopped next to him and lifted her shoulders up with her hands in her lap as if she were expecting something. She looked happy for about thirty seconds then let her shoulders slump. Fidilé showed affection toward Gareth but he never returned any feelings. Gareth was always quiet but he talked on a regular basis.
“Get your shirts before they toast” said Lilith. She now lay down by the fire; it was the only way to get her dress dry. The girls had undergarments but they were also extremely dirty and they weren’t comfortable exposing themselves in front of the boys.
Gareth got his shirt and put it on Fidilé. “Here, you need it more than I do.” Her eyes twinkled as he put the shirt on her.
“Valan, be a gentlalyman and let me have your shirt” said Lilith.
“No” he replied.
“What?! You did not just say no to me!”
“Haha, I was just kidding” he hugged her and they fell to the ground.
Fidilé looked up at Gareth with hopeful eyes. He looked blankly at her and climped up the ladder to the second floor. He went to bed and Fidilé followed. They lay down next to eachother and pulled hay over their bodies. Fidilé pulled Gareth’s arm over her and closed her eyes for sleep.
“I’m not putting the shirt on with you here” Lilith said. She ran behind a haystack and quickly changed. She had placed the shirt under her dress. “Ok, let’s go to bed now.” They climbed up and held each other when they lay down in their sleeping areas. The wet dress/rag of Lilith sent a chill down Valan’s spine but he felt comfortable with her in his arms.
The night was silent with the soft chirps of crickets. The fire still burned, they had always left it burning so the room could heat until it died out. Gareth had built a small hole where the smoke would filter out. On cloudless nights they would sit there and watch the stars but tonight was weary and they all slept.
[fix the ending]
Ch4
News
“Ok everyone, I’ve got great news!” she spoke with a cheery tone. Gareth, Fidilé, and Valan arose from their sleep.
“So what do you want? The good news or the bad news first?” she asked
“Oh my god you’re pregnant” came a lazy tone from Valan.
“Uh, no”
“Oh my god you already had the kid”
“Once again, no”
“Oh my god I’m the father”
“You know what Valan, just shut up.”
“But we did yeah and like yeah and other yeahs and held hands”
“Oh my god, you can’t have a baby that way” Lilith yelled now annoyed.
Valan smiled “Yeah I know, I just wanted to screw with you”
Lilith explained about the shipments of food and other items coming from the countries across the seas. The ships would arrive later around noon and would depart at mid-night.
“So who wants to go on the ship?” Lilith asked. Gareth and Fidilé’s heads swerved to Valan and he nodded in agreement to go.
“Oh Valan, when you go, can you see if you can find me some clothes. When I was asking for jobs this man mistook me for a prostitute”
“Did he touch you?” Gareth asked in a concerned voice
“Gareth, that’s my job. So Lilith, did he touch you?” Valan asked.
“Actually no, I broke his nose and dislocated his thumb.” Lilith smiled proudly.
“That’s my girl” Valan said as he patted her head.
They all went down to the first floor of the barn and started eating their jerky. For once in their life of being orphans, they woke up not hungry. After they had breakfast they stuck some jerky into their sacks which Fidilé had sewn for them and weren’t filthy like their clothes.
“Fiddy, you’ve been awful quiet today. What’s wrong?” and for once in Gareth’s life, he actually seemed concerned.
“I don’t really know I had a bad dream and feel like something’s going to go wrong today. I think its just the fact that I’m not used to not being hungry” she smiled to Gareth as a gesture just to forget it. Deep down in Gareth’s sub-conscious mind he felt it too. Valan was clueless in the situation; however, Lilith was the one who knew what would happen. But what she doesn’t know is that what she’s knows is the future. [fix ending]
Ch5
Tragedy
“Valan, be careful; don’t take more than what we need ok? I just want you on then off” Lilith spoke with a worried tone. Last night she did have a dream, a dream that something went terribly wrong. She threw the thought aside because it was false reality but now it just nagged on her mind.
“Don’t worry, I’ll get you an elegant dress to match those pretty eyes of yours” Valan smiled. There was no worry in his mind he felt excited going onto the ship. He didn’t expect anything to go wrong; he expected everything to end great with a large feast!
“Godspeed Valan” Gareth said. He was slightly nervous because of the way Lilith had spoken. Fidilé was by his side, clasping her hands together. No one could tell if she was praying for luck or if she was just going to fall asleep.
Silence on the deck of the ship gave Valan his cue to go. He gripped the rope that attached the ship to the dock. It was fairly tight because the waves had pushed the ship away from the dock. Although Valan had a weak figure he managed to climb the rope quickly. He plopped himself onto the ship and gave the family the thumbs up.
“We’re all set captain. Let’s leave now, I don’t like the look of this town. Too drabby for my taste” said a voice. There was a grunt that replied to it.
“Shoot!!” Valan thought to himself. He jumped down a hole that led to the ship’s storage. On shore Lilith was down on her knees crying. Gareth was still wondering what happened.
“It’s just like my dream!” Lilith sobbed. “He’s gone Gareth. He’s gone, forever.” Her whole body shook unable to keep her balanced. She fell to the floor and fainted. Gareth picked her up and looked at the ship. From the side, he could see a man cutting the rope.
Meanwhile, Valan was tucked in cozily with the storage. He looked around and was amazed by what he saw; there were statues of rock that were bright colors, clothes that seemed more valuable than what a king would wear, and other trinkets of gold. There was a slight rock on the boat but Valan dismissed the feeling and just thought it was the waves. He looked around dazzled by each instrument and the food! There, lieing right in the middle of the room was a barrel filled with something that resembled food.
“If it looks edible then it is edible” Valan thought to himself. He walked to the barrels and tried everything he could find and within minutes, his shrunken stomach was full again. He heard footsteps again and jumped into an empty barrel. Little did he know, this would be a footstone in his life.
Chapter6
Tidings
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Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 7:29 pm
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:36 pm
I nearly forgot this thread was here xd I'm surprised I actually have a reader. Well I haven't had the time to write and I still need to go through my mistakes and funky sentences before I go on but, I shall try to begin writing again.
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Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 5:12 pm
Be prepared. I can be a bit mean at times, but don't take it personally. I'm really trying to help out, you know 3nodding
Ch1
The Waves
Valan smelled the sea water with arms wide letting the breeze flow by him. The waves crashed sending a sharp mist of cold water upon his face.
“I say he’s gone crazy,” mumbled Lilith to Fidilé.
“Can’t you hear the ocean, Gareth?” Valan took in a large breathe. “It’s calling out for me.”
The group of friends who referred to each other as family stood on their cliff, an area that had been embedded into their hearts. Whenever anything special happened or anything important needed to be done or said, it was here. It was a small cliff that had begun to erode from the waves. When the waves were low, the friends would climb down the overpass and enter a cave inside the cliff.
“Okay, we should go back now, the waves are getting stronger and I’m going to have to sleep in these clothes. Valan, why do you want to be a pirate? You’re always going to get wet,” said Fidilé. She brushed the dirt off her butt and straightened her dress. “This is all I have left unless one of you boys wants to make me something.”
The friends were peasants. The only thing they owned was a few sets of clothing and their barn. Their parents had died from a recent raid by thieves. Once the town had heard of their loss, they pillaged the houses of the families and took their settlements. Valan had owned a barn, so the “family” took refuge there because it was all that was left that wasn’t taken. [[While a good bit of backstory, it sounds a bit choppy. Maybe combine a few sentences together?]]
Another wave crashed and engulfed Valan. He pushed his bangs to the side as they poked his eyes.
“Beats taking a bath,” Gareth smirked from his tree. “Come on, it's starting to get late. We should start a fire.”
“Eih, I still have another set of clothes that I can wear” Valan said. At the mention of the clothes Lilith let her head drop. “What's wrong?” Valan replied to the gesture cluelessly.
“Yeah, about that...” Lilith let the sentence hang, then said, “We used that to patch up Fidilé’s dress.” She smiled innocently.
Valan pointed to her. “You gotta stop smiling like that. Makes me feel all giddy and happy.” He then shivered from the cold. It was mid-autumn and they needed more clothes for warmth.
“Isn’t that a good thing?” she replied.
Valan smiled back and started walking home with the family trailing behind. They picked up dried grass and small branches for tinder. Gareth, being the strongest one, was responsible for chopping wood for the fires. Valan was the wise one, the one that had taught them all how to survive without utensils and other items that could be found in houses. Fidilé and Lilith were just helpers and usually did any work that could be found in town for money. [[Once again, excellent backstory; but this one sounds a bit choppy, too.]]
“Home sweet home” [[Which punctuation are you using? Exclamation point, since he's yelling? Where would you put the commas? I can't picture this in my head.]] Valan yelled as he walked in through the doors of the barn. Gareth had fixed the holes on the ceilings and patched up everything to make sure it was safe. He had done it on the first week they lived there. [[Combine these last two sentences.]] There was a top floor with hay where they slept and the floor had carpets sprawled over the place, each indicating a certain area in the house. Valan clapped twice. “You know the routine, double time soldiers!” He was usually cheery after enjoying the sea.
The girls started the fire while Gareth went out back to get some logs. Valan followed behind to the area where they had gathered salt water. There were six buckets, naturally they sold the salt to the villagers for money, butalthough their business was beginning to get low. There was a small jar where they kept their salt to use for their food. He got it and went back to the barn to toss it to the girls. The fire was almost done and Valan waited outside.
“Fish tonight, right?” Valan yelled through the doors of the barn.
“Yes,” came back a muffled voice. Valan waited outside for five minutes and then they came out.
“So, are we gonna go? I don’t like it when I eat hungry, just makes me feel hungrier in the morning.” Gareth moaned.
Pretty good start, actually. Most of the problems were just little ones, commas and such. Your sentences get awkward in places, but that's easily fixed. I'd like it if the font was a bit smaller, but that's just my personal preference.
I'll read the other ones later. I'm a bit lazy sweatdrop
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