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It has been a long time since I have written down my personal thoughts. Through the long time period of the lack of independent writting, all I had to comfort me were my precious three dots... I have been in love with someone for well over a year. The sad part is that this love is not returned. She is one of my best friends. She knows about my feelings for her, but she sees me as a friend and only a friend. She is fifteen months younger than me, so this would make her 18 this November. She is a great spirit with a great personality weather she likes to admit it or not. We share alot of the same views on things such as politics, phylosophy, religion, and music. People say that I fall in love to easily, and they're probably right. This is however, a much more unusual strength and feelin of love. It is stronger than I have ever felt before. I'm not saying that I am ubsessed. I can perfectly fine with the great friendship that we have right now, and if she were to leave my life tomorow, I would weep and eventually move on. This love is, however is typical and different at the same time. It's not that I want her. I want her to be happy. I'm not saying that I don't want to be with her because I really do. But I want to see her happy even more. Perhaps this could be true love. (or not!) For right now, I'm not quite sure if she is the yin for my yang, but I feel that she is pretty damn close. Well, at least in my thoughts. I don't know what her thoughts are exactly. I can only go with what she told me and I trust her. It's still too complicated to explain why I fell in love with her. I can't even explain it in writting. I don't want to sound scary when I say this, but this is the only way I know how to say it: I feel as though my very soul is intact with hers. I know that I am wrong in saying this because she obviously does not have these feelings for me as far as I know. I don't know if I can say that she is "THE ONE" either because I am still a very young man. I'll be 19 this August. There are, however things I can say and these are it: I care about her... I want her to find happiness weather it is in me or somebody else... I find her physically and emotionally attractive... I find our conversations enjoyable... If she asks for it, I will be there to help her in whatever sort of problem it is and if I suspect that something is wrong, I will nag her to tell me the problem. I would always do my best to be there for her. And the last thing I can say and really mean it.... Is that I love her.

Ew...prior to last night, I still had this exact same problem, albeit the specific age difference and religious similarities... however discouraging it may sound to say this, I feel it's important to, and we actually had gone out on and off from September 12 to late May, until it just stayed at a constant off where friendship was the only other option and what used to bring her back before just stopped working.

Last night, upon request, she admitted that she wished that I would find someone else to share my lifegoals and happiness with, and really did hope that I could, more for my benefit than my ended attempts at her.

...I then asked if she would, at the very least, encourage my endeavors to steal her heart again one day, and she only said that she wouldn't stop me, but honestly doubted that it would ever happen again.

So, acceptant of simply returning to being friends, I made a jokeful little pouting reply (I believe I just said "Oh okay, *pouts*," then she replied with a random RP statement, then I pouted a little more, then she told me to stop being a [wimp], because she wasn't going to give me any false hopes.

A strong mood and an exchange of final words ensued, and I sent my password on the forum I was on to a close friend whom never got on anymore anyway, telling them to change my password and never tell it to me, and with the intentions in mind of never seeing her again, went to bed early at 9:45, yet had 15 hours of the most painful and torturous dreams I ever had.

Even when the dreams were funny, humorous, and held my interest in seeing more (I think one was of a secret agent bunny entering an office building to assassinate everyone within, and a squirrel agent later searched for him when he didn't return, only to realize the bunny had become a stationary, gaseous cloud of the "Dark Side" (Of a Star Wars nature of meaning XD) at the peak of his bloodlust.) Now, suddenly being aware that it was a dream, I would have been more than happy to lucidly continue on dreaming, but there was an indescribable and intolerable pain inside of me that made me beg aloud to the images playing in my mind to stop, and for me to have total silence, yet the dream continued...

and more dreams kept going, and when I finally woke up to them and severe backpains at some undetermined time of the morning (clock was turned off), I recalled what I had done last night and instinctively went back to sleep in that semiconscious state to try and forget, only to have more otherwise pleasant dreams imprinted with underlying misery...

And, as I trust my friend to keep the new password a secret, and I have no other way of contacting her, I don't expect to speak to her again, be it as a friend or lover, and possibly for my own safety of emotion and mind...I regret that I had ever fallen for her...I wish I could have just left things normal and never get so attached...maybe then I'd have at least saved a friendship...but I suppose it's something that I'll just have to learn from, and never make the same mistake again, of sacrificing a friendship in such a one-sided gamble when the best thing I had was already there...

I suppose upon that first reading there's no valuable moral, but I will give many nonetheless to you, and I ask deeply that you follow them all...

Never believe that there is hope they may still love you...they'll mean what they say at the time, and to change how they think would be to change them entirely.

Never crave more from them than the acceptance of your kindness. If you are truely in love, immerse yourself in your own good deeds. Embrace the unseen beauty that is your one-sided devotion, and let your selfless deeds flow through your very body like a shiver of sensational and unexpected warmth. Ask only for you to provide them kindness that they feel comfortable permitting, as any other act of kindness would only be a an act of displeasure and hastiness for them, and ask nothing else.

If you hear it, never let that little voice inside you saying "you can live without her" fall deaf to your following actions. They'll be quite snide in always telling you they told you so from thereafter.

And if you break away from her, and the same thing happens all over again, never be the first to say "I love you."

I apologize for any sadness that may have been brought upon you by my words, and ask that any strange sense of calmness or wisdom by my words be heeded.

Remember that every action and event that you give and receive, no matter how blissful and no matter how dreadful, is a lesson, and it is there for you to be taught it. To live, in its most ecstatic and maddening extents, is growth all the same, and that alone is all the happiness a soul could ever need......I wish you the best in life, no matter what your many outcomes...

heh.. thanx

same here

Well i had a situtaion where i had to decide to be with someone or move on. I worked at it and finally got a good relationship with her and we are now deeply in love but that was my situation. I had different issues and reasons like i was in love before it went bad.

I don't want to give you any false hopes, but I was in a slightly similar situation back in around may. She turned me down, actually--she wasn't ready for another relationship yet, as she'd just been through a very bad friend-turned-relationship breakup. What we ended up doing was committing to stay friends--fight the discomfort until we were okay again.

Of course, I still adored her through all that, but I tucked it away and tried not to show it.

And in the end, that worked out great--we were still friends. And then she fell for me, and that botches the rest of my profound story of learning, har har.

No one can ever explain exactly why they fell for someone, I think...all you can do is try your best, take the chance, and follow your feelings. According to my experience, I'd say back off--try not to pur undue pressure on her and keep it the way it is. YOu guys seem to have a great friendship already, and you don't want to ruin that. Besides--maybe someday, you'll have that chance.