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 Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 8:49 pm
Alright, here's the deal... this is sort of a mockery of advice columnists. You know, Dear Abby and Ann Landers and all that jazz. :3 Your characters having a tough time and need a little 'advice'? Well, have them write a letter to 'Alice' and she'll give them advice! 'She' being a relative term as it is actually written by two people.
...
Well, sort of 'advice'... There's a reason why Alice never got syndicated, you understand.
Anyway, just have your character type out a letter here and 'Alice' will respond! What fun!
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 8:56 pm
Dear Alice,
All my students keep running away from me. I can't understand why! I am kind to them, I teach them how to easily kill people, and I like to think of myself as a role-model to them...but they still run. Why is that?
Sincerely,
Balsem
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 8:59 pm
Dear Balsem: It's probably because your socks don't match. Mismatched socks are one of the biggest social gaffes that one could make. Check them now. Also, take up flower arranging.
...
The other half of the Alice team would like to say, "STAY AWAY FROM MY FIANCE YOU PSYCHOBASTARD".
Sincerely,
Alice
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:03 pm
Dear Alice,
My poor, gender-confused sister is at an age she should be married, and tending her husband's household; however, she's more interested in racing and Lord knows what else! With a little paint and polish she'd be rather pretty, but she hides her face in dirt and griffin fluff... What can I do to convince her to settle down? Or better yet, what sort of man should I find for her in hopes she'll come to her senses and finally act ladylike?
--- Lady in Waiting
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:30 pm
Dear Lady in Waiting:
Alright, here's what you do: First, steal all of her left socks. Don't ask why. Just do it. Then subtly distract her with pretty shiny things and then quietly, and smoothly, back out of her private life. Unless she is hunching with your husband, her life is none of your business, so long as she's happy and well.
As for her socks, mail them to me. The washerwoman has been eating mine. I'm getting sick of ending up with only odd numbers of socks.
Sincerely,
Alice.
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:35 pm
Dear Alice,
Perhaps you can give me some advice on how to meet a man? I'm a career driven woman who is looking for someone that is not stupid. However, my griffin seems more interested in me than anyone of the opposite sex! Please help.
- Bird Lady
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:38 pm
Dear Bird Lady:
If you want a smart man, date a woman.
...
Then, when you go back to men, they'll seem to make complete sense.
Sincerely,
Alice
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:39 pm
Dear Alice,
You are stupid.
- Bird Lady
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:40 pm
Dear Bird Lady:
And you're asking me for advice. :3
Sincerely,
Alice
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:53 pm
Dear Alice,
A friend of a friend is rather paranoid. When he came to visit, he thought I poisoned his tea. What sort of practical joke can you suggest to scare the bejeezus out of him next time he comes to visit? I want to give him a reason to warrent his suspiscions. twisted
-- Dish best Served Cold
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:59 pm
Dear Dish:
Tell him that you are now married through a very obscure marriage ceremony. That'll scare any man. He may even drink the tea in the hopes that it actually is poisoned.
Sincerely,
Alice
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 10:01 pm
Dear Alice,
That only works if you're trying to marry that man.
--Dish Best Served Cold
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 10:03 pm
Dear Dish,
Hey, you said you wanted to scare him.
Sincerely,
Alice
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 10:04 pm
Dear Alice,
There are only two women I've known very well that would be compatible with me, except that each one has a particular problem I can't ignore.
One of them is my aunt, and as dear as the woman is to me, I simply don't feel that way about her. I tried to break it to her gently, but she didn't take it very well.
The other is a fiery young woman that I actually find rather attractive, but she has some... issues with me that can't be ignored.
And while female companionship isn't that hard to find, they tend to bore me. So I was wondering, do you know any cute guys?
Sincerely,
He-swings-both-ways
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 10:07 pm
Dear He-Swings-Both-Ways:
As a matter of fact, I do! :3 His name is Remiel Quillan and he is longing in sexual agony right at this moment. Go get him, tiger.
Sincerely,
Alice
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