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 Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 4:24 pm
A follow up to "Am I Insensitive" this one could be called, "Am I Selfish?"
lol
Well, I grew up as an only child with just my mom. I never spent a lot of time around other kids until I was hardly a kid myself, and always prefered adult company when I was growing up. I always figured I'd have one kid, but that's it.
My boyfriend was the third of four kids, grew up in a more "traditional" home, and his family is huuuuuuge.
I gave birth two months ago, and ALL he can talk about to me and everyone else is all the other kids we're going to have. stare I was packing up the car leaving my grandparents house and I heard him saying "Yep, in a year or so hopefully you'll have a great-grand-son." Lucky for him I wasn't in the room or I would have flipped out on him right in front of them.
It's rather frusterating, he seems hell bent on getting married and having at least one more(though he's told me that ideally it'd be a few more), and while I totally love Kaiya to death, I honestly don't think I'm willing to go through pregnancy and childbirth again. I don't want more kids, and I know that idea is subject to change some day, but I'm fulfilled 100% with her.
I've told him every time he brings it up that I'm nearly positive that it won't be happening again, but he just shrugs it off. Recently he decided that the only reason I'm opposed to it is because Kaiya was just born not long ago, and that I'll come around, but I honestly don't think that I will.
I don't want to be rash, but the next time he brings up our getting married, I feel like I'm going to have to say "I'm not going to marry you until you can accept that there's a good possiblity that we won't be having more kids." I don't want to say that, but I don't know any other ways to get through to him.
I think that with the way he was raised, he won't really feel "complete" unless he is married and has a handful of offspring, and that's just not the lifestyle that I ever wanted. He also "needs" to have a son. And while there is a small chance that we could have one more child, I'm not going to keep trying over and over again for a preferred gender.
I guess I'd like advice? Or just to rant maybe... I hate feeling selfish because I don't want to pop out like twenty babies. sweatdrop
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 5:28 pm
Did you two talk about this before starting to have children or when you found about you were pregnant? Because it's definitely something you need to work out before getting married. Family size is a very touchy subject and definitely something you should make sure you're on the same page as your future spouse on.
If you feel strongly about your position, tell him so and that it's important to you. You shouldn't be forced to have children you don't want and conversely, he shouldn't be forced to not have children he wants. You two may not be compatible in what you want out of life and have to move on if you can't come to a conclusion that makes you both happy.
You're right, you may change your mind down the road or you may not. But honestly, bringing this subject up only a couple of months post partum is idiocy on his part--and insensitive to boot. My hubby and I are for sure going to have at least one more child and until 6 weeks ago, I couldn't hear any talk about more children without twitching and getting aggrevated about it. My son is 10 1/2 months old now, just to give you an idea of how long the very thought of another baby made me unhappy. Some of the repulsion could be how close to the birth you still are, but it's rather condescending to think that's the *only* reason you don't want to talk about more children.
When talking to him, maybe you could set a date in the future to discuss future family size about and agree to no talk at all about the subject before then? It could be six month's from now, maybe Kaiya's birthday, or a date just before or after. Mark it on the calendar and hopefully you will have a little peace to make up your own mind on how you feel and he can do the same. I would tell him you feel resentful and pressured when he keeps bringing it up. I would also tell him that you understand that having a son and a larger family is important to him but that constantly pestering you isn't helping. Then when the date comes, do a check up with each other and see how you're feeling about family size. If you still can't agree, decide from there what to do. Set another date if you want to discuss it again or go from that point in what you need to do.
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 9:17 pm
Kaiya was unplanned, so we hadn't really discussed the prospect of children before she pretty much fell in our lap. While I was pregnant, he'd brought it up and seemed satisfied with my opinion on it.
Just in the last two weeks, I think, he's just started talking about all of these other children I'm apparently going to give birth to, and it's so overwhelming! I mean... jeeeeeze! It's different for him too, he had to go back to work right away and I was the one who'd stay home all day, so he dealt with way less crying, fussing and frusteration.
I love him, but I just don't think I'm willing to do it again. But next time he brings it up I will definately make sure that he knows not to do so for a pretty long time.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 2:49 pm
You may want to sit down and talk to him that you just want to focus on your baby before you start planning for more. Telling relatives that you're going to have another one in a year is pretty eager on his part.
But I can see his point of view that you may change your mind. As your baby gets older, you start forgetting everything you went through during pregnancy and childbirth, and all you think about is how much you miss having a baby around. So you really might change your mind as your baby starts passing more milestones and growing up.
If he only wants another baby to have a boy....geez, that might not happen. I know lots of families that have either four boys or four girls because they wanted to keep trying for a baby of the opposide gender. They're happy and everything, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes you just don't have children of both genders in a family.
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Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 4:33 pm
I hate to give him an "ultimatum" if you will, but I don't think that I could ever marry him if he can't at least accept the fact that we might not ever have any more kids.
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Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2007 9:01 am
You're so right. I know he probably loves you a lot, but it's a group descision to have a kid & if you're not ready(or never WILL be ready) then there's nothing he can do. You just had a kid & right now the last thing he should be doing is thinking about the next one!!! Enjoy your time with THIS one!!! & maybe down the road you'll decide you have room in your home for another. Maybe not. But obviously it's not something you want to think about right now.
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Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2007 6:04 pm
Either way, I'm getting an IUD this week, so for the next five years I'm like... ™.99999999 likely to not get pregnant again.
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Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 12:12 pm
I'm exactly the same. But I don't get just persure from him, I also get it from his family, and my own, and even strangers. I hate it. I get "You can't wait long!" and that sorta thing.
What I do is stay firm, and make sure people understand in a kind way that right now I'm satisfied with my one child. I find that if i keep it simple and don't go into long explanations I get less frusterated.
So I'd suggest you do that with other people, if you have their interference. With him, You seemed to have done all you can. Youve talked to him, and explianed it to him. So now just tell him your not ready to tal about it right now and will be willing to in a few years when your not so busy with one. If he can't except that you may have to have a serious convorsation about where you both stand, and see if maybe you both need to be apart or something. Theres nothing wrong with having one child, just like theres nothing wrong with having more but you can't be presured into something serious like childbirth and rearing, he shouldn't try to.
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Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 12:01 am
My dad always said that three was enough when my parents had me and my two sisters because he only put in a few minutes of work. I love to laugh at that, but it's true. My mom is the one who stayed home all day to raise us. He was in the military then worked for most of the day. He did not have to be home when we were pulling eachother's hair or spilling spaghetios on the carpet. He also did not have to carry us or give birth to us. My dad was a great dad though. I think that if the man does not have to do the majority of the raising or the REALLY hard parts, then it's easy for him to say let's have more. But until he does an equal share, which can never happen, it's up to the woman.
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