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 Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 5:06 am
My first post in this guild!
This is a poem I had to write (overnight, might I add!) for English this week. The theme was 'loss'. I have no doubt that it needs serious editing and could do with a lot of work, but I sort of need help with that part. Please, feel free to rip this to shreds, critique it, point out mistakes, tell me that you don't like it...or that you love it. I'm after honesty, so if you don't like it...tell me. I won't be offended.
Jane
My daughter sits in the front row
Blinking back her tears.
Jane's seen so much more than others have
In her two months, eleven years.
My wife, she reaches out her hand
To hold my daughter tight.
She turns around her tear streaked face
And asks, "Are you alright?"
All eyes are turned towards the priest,
Or else, cast down at feet.
The music starts to play, and then,
Jane gets up and starts to leave.
I follow them out through the doors
Where they all hug and cry -
"...in heaven now...", "...you'll be okay..."
"...don't worry, it just takes time."
Through the crowd I see her face
Smiling despite the pain.
My daughter's eyes, still dry,
My angel, my darling...Jane.
An old lady who I must have known
Walks up and holds her close
Whispers in her ear and says
"It's okay to cry, you loved him most."
At last a tear rolls down her cheek
As she finally begins to cry.
Turns to the stranger, whispers back...
"Why'd he have to die?"
“With your grandma and your grandpa,
He’s gone to heaven, don’t you see?
He’s up there, an angel now,
Watching over you and me.”
She stifles a sob and she walks away,
“Daddy said heaven wasn’t true.
And even if he was wrong,
They wouldn’t let him through.”
I open my mouth and try to speak
Try to tell her that I’m okay.
But Jane can’t see me; I can’t talk to her…
Because I died the other day.
Go ahead; rip it to shreds, I want to know EVERYTHING that you think is wrong with it. Pick it apart word by word, line by line, stanza by stanza...GO!
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Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 5:30 pm
I think you had a bit of trouble getting the beginning started...
My daughter sits in the front row
Blinking back her tears.
Jane's seen so much more than others have
In her two months, eleven years.
Jus' my opinion of course... but I dunno... it didn't flow too well... And that last line... "In her two months, eleven years"... This MAY be just because I can be very slow and I have trouble understanding simple phrases... but I didn't understand that line... xp
My wife, she reaches out her hand
To hold my daughter tight.
She turns around her tear streaked face
And asks, "Are you alright?"
"My wifre, she"... It's improper grammar I think... sweatdrop It woulda sounded better if it was something along the lines of "I see my wife reach out her hand" And then onward... The third line sounds a bit backwards... I woulda phrased it "She turns her tear-streaked face around"... But that's just me again... ^^;
All eyes are turned towards the priest,
Or else, cast down at feet.
The music starts to play, and then,
Jane gets up and starts to leave.
Again, didn't seem to flow as well... There should be a "their" in front of feet in the second line... And the last part didn't seem to fit... >_>
BUT the moment you got to the fourth part, everything fit perfectly. It seemed like, as I said, you had touble getting out the first part, but as soon as you got to the part after those twelve lines, you really got into the story you were writing, and it just flowed through your pen (or fingers) perfectly. The rhyming, rythm, and wording seemed perfect to me! ^^; And I thoroughly enjoyed reading it once it hit that point... Because it seemed like you were feeling the poetry... if you know what I mean... biggrin
I also have to add that it was a very sad poem... Of course, the subject was "Loss" so... that's completely self-explanitory... But it was very emotion and heart-felt... Reminds me of when my great grandfather passed away. crying You did a very good job on this poem though! Keep up the good work!
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