Dear Katya
December
Dear Katya,
It's Christmas! I've waited so long, just like I do every year. Mom says that I'm too old to believe in Santa Clause anymore, so that kind of ruins it, but I can't help it. I've always loved that tradition. Maybe it's because Dad always used to dress up like Santa, until about 5 years ago, when he died in that car accident. I've always associated Santa with good things; I'll never outgrow him.
Oh yeah. I probably don't need to tell you this, but I got you today from Mom. She's been getting after me to keep a record of my childhood, so that's why I'm bothering at all. Of course, this wasn't a surprise. As soon as I saw the unblemished, wine-colored velvet, I knew what was going on. Still, I might as well keep 'talking' to you, Katya, because it might be interesting to look back, and see how things have changed.
Becki
December
Dear Katya,
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! The day after Christmas... how lame is that? But I'm finally thirteen! Miss Barbara said that she doesn't want me en pointe until I'm thirteen. Something about bone development? Whatever. The point (pun not intended) is that I can finally go en pointe!
Do you know how long I've been waiting for this? I just came back from Art and Soles, where I got my very first pair of pointe shoes! Sitting there on my desk, shining, my Toe Shoes..! They're so pretty! I can't wait! Maybe I'll try them on before Ballet tomorrow...
Becki
December
Dear Katya,
It just occured to me that you might want to know why you have a Russian name, but I can't help you. I just followed my insane whim, thinking it was pretty. No deep, secret meaning there. Sorry to disappoint you.
Mom went out again today. AGAIN. Did I mention 'again'? She's getting blood work done. Probably just some weird adult thing, because she's obviously not sick, but I had to miss ballet class; she couldn't take me. I hate missing ballet, and it's so much worse, because I missed my first pointe class too - I have to wait LONGER, and Miss Barbara is going to kill me! - so I hope she likes whatever she found out.
Feeling petulent,
Becki
November
November
Dear Katya,
How long is the flu supposed to last, anyway? Mom's been really weird about it, too. She's pale with these dark circles, and she hasn't been able to eat, so she's losing weight. I hope she feels better soon. I have to admit, it's partially because I'm selfish and I don't like taking care of the house alone.
Becki
November
Dear Katya,
It's definitely not the flu - it's lasted too long. She's not as sick as she used to be, but it's not a big improvement. Also, I was prying (not going to lie about that) and saw that her pillbox has like eight pills. I didn't count. Normally she just takes allergy pills, and I have to ask her about it.
Hey, don't look at me like that. I'm her daughter: I have a right to pry.
Becki
November
Dear Katya,
I can't believe it, but Mom's been lying to me about how sick she is. I'm positive of it, now.
Becki
November
Dear Katya,
I haven't been writing. Guess I'm in shock. Mom's in the last stages of Lukemia. The reason she got sick so suddenly is that her pills stopped working. No one knows why, but then, if we totally understood it, we'd be able to cure it.
They found it about a year ago, just after Christmas. I guess she didn't tell me because she wanted to protect me. I hate it when she tries to protect me, and she's always doing it.
Oh, God, what's happening? Haven't I suffered enough? Did I do something wrong for us to deserve this?
Becki
November
Dear Katya,
The therapist arranged to get me a cat, and she's adorable, but I know she's only here because they pity me. I can't help but feel resentful. She's staring out my bedroom door like she wants to leave, but she's afraid someone will hit her. I know how she feels.
Becki
November
Dear Katya,
Back in school today. I spent the whole time looking out the window, wondering what's happened to my normal life, just crying... just dying... Mom's not the only one who's sick.
You can tell she won't last much longer. She's in the hospital, and has been for a couple days. She's just been lying there, and even with the IV, she's been like a skeleton. She's so pale. So white. The only color she has left at all is in her washed-out pink lips, and the dark circles that spread like a stain from her closed eyes.
Becki
November
Dear Katya,
My friends are trying to cheer me up, but my mother is dying. How can this be happening? How is it possible to hurt like this, and still breathe? Sometimes I lie in bed, and my emotions sap my energy like a glacier, which, as its mass inexorably expands, pulls all moisture from the air. It feels like my whole body has fallen away from me, and it's hard to imagine moving.
I feel like I could just let my chest fall on an exhale, and never rise again. It feels like it would be so easy, but it's so hard...
So hard to keep breathing, when I know Mom won't. I wonder what it'd be like to die. Would I be able to stay unaware - unfeeling, unmoving - forever?
Becki
November
Dear Katya,
It's hard to live like this, not knowing when she'll be gone. She doesn't wake up anymore, and the doctors say coma, but I just see sleep. At least now I know she's here. I need to be strong for Mom, but I can't do this.
I CAN'T DO THIS! Dear God, I can't live without her. I didn't even know I loved her this much. If I could just have one more week, one normal week with her, I would never let her forget how much I love her. I'd thank her for everything, and be perfect... I'd make her happy! I need more time, but there's none left.
Becki
November
Dear Katya,
Mom died today. There's nothing left to think, nothing left to feel. All the while they were tinkering about her, at least then there were tears, some kind of release.
It was about 2AM and I was asleep. She died while I lay dreaming of better times. I wasn't there.
How can I forgive myself for that? She's not here anymore, and something just keeps echoing, mocking my absence. It's like a horribly powerful hand, squeezing me, compressing me, crumpling me up, until I'll surely turn into a speck of light and vanish. This pain won't ever leave me. I know this now.
How can she not be here anymore? After Dad died, I was her whole world, and I didn't even know how much I loved her until it was too late. There's nothing wrong with my universe, because here's nothing left to be wrong.
Becki
December
Dear Katya,
I'm living with my godparents now, and they've been so kind to me. Though they had their own grief, losing their best friend, they knew mine was greater.
I laughed today. Rachel made some joke at school, and I laughed at it. I didn't recognize the sound as my own. How long has it been?
It's incomprehensable that life could possibly go on without her here, but it does. I don't know how, but it does. I still haven't been able to cry about it, though. Probably because that would be like admitting she's really gone. How come I can realize this, but I still can't do it?
Becki
December 2584
Dear Katya,
I gave Mom her last Christmas present today. It was a Santa Clause ornament with her name, and the day she was born, and the day she died.
Something about the kindness in his little glass face reminded me so strongly of Mom that I was suffocating. I broke down and cried for Mom, and I cried for what I'd lost, and for what the world had lost. Everyone just stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do.
I realized something monumental, too. If she was gone, really gone, I never would have been able to go on living. Now, the huge yawning hole inside me is filled with a warm light. That's Mom; she's still there.
I should have known, with as much as she loved me, that she would never really leave me in this cold place, all alone.
Becki
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