Depression
Well, would you look at that? Here’s a fairly serious chapter. I have a moderate-to-severe case of depression, so this is going to contain a substantial amount of failed, half-hearted attempts to bring humor. Please
bear with me – we all know I’ve endured you lot long enough.
It’s amazing just what it takes to put me into a depressed slump. Really, it is remarkably easy. All I have to do is download somewhat heartbreaking Smallville fan-made music videos from the Internet, and I’m sent into throes of “I SUCK.” Seriously. Fictional characters make me have breakdowns. Because I am a big fat wuss.
The music also attributes to it, too. Especially if I can remotely relate to the lyrics, and if it has a melancholy tone to it. (YES, Goo Goo Dolls, I am looking pointedly at YOU, with your ‘Iris’ and your ‘Naked,’ and YES, Imogen Heap, I’m’a lookin’ at you, too, with your ‘Clear the Area.’)
Of course, I get depressed over things that happen in my life, too, even if it isn’t particularly directed towards me. For example, my friend Susan’s grandfather had died, and she called me on the phone to tell me what happened. She was crying, and that struck me horribly. Now, that’s not something new, for someone to cry after someone close to them had died. But if you know Susan, she doesn’t cry easily. She’s very emotionally sound and strong, which is why it hit me so hard. I spent the next week or so moping around, just because it hurt so terribly to hear her cry like that. It was the kind of thing that still resounds in my head.
And those are just some minor things I’ve described. If it festers long enough in my mind, it gets worse. I don’t want to get up in the morning for school (Goodness, who in their right mind would
want to attend High School?); I get nauseous, dizzy, and have migraines the size of Alaska; I’m reluctant to talk to anyone, and talking civilly would out of the question. Also, I can’t seem to get it out of my system. I’ve tried crying, but I can’t force it unless I’m acting (how weird is that?). It is quite a problem, and I can’t seem to get control over it.
What’s worse is that it takes forever and a half to get me out of any funk I happen to fall into. Sure, there are temporary fixes: shopping, browsing the Internet for hours on end, watching new movies, playing the Sims 2 for a little, downloading and listening to new music… still, I end up thinking about it as soon as the short-term so-called ‘bliss’ goes away.
Then I end up feeling guilty, which then deepens my depression, and then I get pissed off because I simply cannot pull myself out of it, and my friends tend to ignore what’s going on when I’m in one of those, and then I get further into depression because I go on thinking, “Don’t they care about me?” (Of course, if they were to go over-the-top with their attention, I’d have a panic attack and end up decking them all in the face.) And then my family starts to pick me apart over my behavior, and at that point I am thoroughly shut down.
God damn, I am a loser.
See? It’s starting already. Ugh. Where’s my Lexapro…?
