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 Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2007 11:55 pm
 OPEN FOR CRITIQUES
Just keep in mind that this is still a work in progress, so please don't criticize me on things such as typos and the fact that the shades of light green don't match in the first and second posts.
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Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2007 11:55 pm
Full Name: Alexandre Marlonne
Stage Name: Wonder
Title: The Human Angel
Race: Unknown; mostly human characteristics, but with an angel-like physicality.
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Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 9:54 pm
Career:
I. Carnie: re-editing
II. Cast Member:
Costumes:
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Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 10:30 pm
I think that is that!
This is the last post I might need.
I'm going to keep it in
[reserved]
mode for a while just in case I need it.
Right now I am
OPEN FOR CRITIQUES!
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 4:19 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 9:39 pm
For one thing, his personality is just... really bland. And it doesn't fit with the things you've described him as doing. You say he's really shy and he procrastinates, and yet he is delivering things, giving people rides on his back, signing autographs? Even though he wants to be loved like any freak, his personality seems like it doesn't fit with what he winds up doing. Might he feel more comfortable in the freak show?
Secondly, his cast member stage looks a lot like what a lot of people would think of as a carnie stage. (Minus the whole carrying people on his back, which, unless you found a willing partner, would not work.) You might want to look it over and move some of that to the carnie level, and just pick *one thing* for him to focus his career on.
Again, with the headliner thing, pick one talent. Don't just be the all-powerful birdman. Pick one or two things to focus on, and make sure that that match his previous stage. I think there's an example that characters can't swallow knives AND tame lions AND walk on coals AND do trapeze AND have a bunch of dogs jump through hoops. Well, it seems a little odd that such a shy man would do any of that stuff in the first place, but it's a little frustrating that he flies AND he dances AND he shoots himself out of a cannon AND he does magic AND he has a ton of fans waiting for autographs.
His history seems kind of cliche towards the end and it doesn't fit with his personality. The stage name is okay, but you need a "title" (IE, Hadrian is The Merman, Wing Ting is The Bubble Fairy.)
His appearance is fairly angelic. Why don't you play on that a little? It's too good to let go to waste, either as something to play his personality with or against. And his personality... it just clashes with the rest of the idea. That's your biggest problem. You need to either change the concept to fit the personality or the personality to fit the concept. And please, spend more than a paragraph on it.
Other stuff:
--When in his back story does he learn to play the accordion?
--Why are his likes and dislikes the way they are?
ELABORATE, ELABORATE, ELABORATE. smile
(Oh, I disadvise using an image in place of text. It makes editing harder.)
Good luck! heart
-Silverah
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Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 10:32 am
I have to agree with Silv here, I mean the image is pretty n'all but it's not really practical ... With all that you could've just pasted it right here for easy and instant editing. Umm ... On that note ...
I'm not sure what makes him truly truly unique and an enigmatic addition. He's kind of just an angel boy, there's nothing else to him. No other physical or mental abnormalities ... A guy with wings, okay neat ... We have some bird-person concepts here and you're more than free to check them out to gain some perspective on what you can do with it. With the rest of him physically, there's no way he can just stay the same through all three stages. Mix it up a bit, get really really really creative.
The history is very important, and it all seems a little vague. Did he ever ask his parents why he looked like that? They had to've at least had an idea. Was he tormented, what experiences did he go through. It's a little odd for a person to have wings and not have huge landmarks in their life. His physical appearance is heavy on the wings, if he wants to fly his bones technically need to be hollow, as well as other things. Try to run with it. The ending of the history is ... a bit odd. I know you were trying to go for a dramatic end but sometimes it's just better to go the straight and narrow. Even small details (like how Silv mentioned the accordion's history), or anything else is really good too. We want to know the character, not an outline of it.
As far as personality ... Is he strong-willed when other people are around? If he's going to have contrasting parts of his personality you need to make them more specific and cite instances where they took place. Tossing them in for interpretation is a bit of a risk, and I wouldn't recommend it. You might get a little heat for not being specific or detailed enough. Sink into the idea, try to imagine being him. Push come to shove imagine being him in the worst or best possible situations to give us a good description of how dramatic his life has been whether for better or worse.
I enjoy how you put his wings to work at the Carnie stage. Yes there could be the general errand boys and girls, but how many of them can do things like UPS? I think having him pull huge trailers is a bit much though haha. Though some people come to gawk at sideshow "freaks", it's not always just a good idea to simply sit there. There are skeptics in the audience! You might need to convince them of your aerial prowess during Castmember. I like how in Headliner it seems he has almost completely come out of his shell, which is good! We can't have characters being the same all the time, they need to grow and evolve, like real people. Magical stunts seems a little out there, and I'd suggest you get specific and detailed on the things that would REALLY make him a fantastic Headliner. Though, as a sidenote, you do need a title haha ...
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Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 9:47 pm
Wow.
I think most people would just give up at this point, but I think it would be best to completely begin anew.
I have the concept in my head, so it won't be completely lost.
Silverah and Uennie, I really appreciate the excellent critiques because they were very truthful, and only constructive. I would rather you tell me the blunt truth (even if it hurts) than sugar-coat it, and you definitely didn't do the latter.
I will work hard on it, nearly start from scratch, and hopefully with your helpful guidance, develop a much more adequate character and story.
Thank you for being brutal
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 6:40 am
I'm so sorry ... I didn't mean to upset you ... It is an interesting concept but I guess I didn't do a good enough job at padding it. I'm really really sorry *hugs*. Don't give up, there's a great diamond in the rough here.
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 6:45 am
I'm sorry. I give tough critiques. I'm not trying to discourage you, really. Keep working on the character.
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 8:00 pm
So, is this concept going to be built upon or are you completely re-doing it? I agree with Uennie on the 'diamond-in-the-rough' aspect.
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Reply
