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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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 Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 11:48 pm
There will be a new joke every week
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Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 11:50 pm
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.....
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 11:53 pm
Church Bulletin Bloopers
“The message tonight by Pastor will be in Matthew 3 where Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by Jordan in the John.”
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
“A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in memory of his wife.”
Tonight Pastor Hodges will begin a 6-part series on the Book of Genesis. Were Adam and Eve really naked in the Garden? Come see for yourself.”
Missing — A purple lady's bicycle from the church parking lot.
Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.
Church Rummage Sale: A good opportunity to get rid of anything not worth keeping but too good to throw away. Bring your spouse.
On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks to all those sending cards and flowers and contributing to the death of her husband.
This Friday is our annual church hayride. Bring a pack of hot dogs and guns. We'll have a good time.
It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the
park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and
come prepared to sin.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 11:59 pm
MALE OR FEMALE!
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun!
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 12:00 am
well i hope you enjoy those for now heart
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Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 10:54 pm
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject and,
finally getting all the necessary tools together,
she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool,
she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice,
poured a thermos of cappuccino and
began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried,
moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice.
She set up her stool once more and
tried again to cut a hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and asked,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice replied,
*
*
*
*
"NO, THIS IS THE
MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 6:23 pm
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.
Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Posted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 4:26 pm
ummm, I kinda don't get that one........ confused
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 10:47 am
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered."
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Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 7:59 pm
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick,they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 5:47 pm
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 10:37 am
A man is in the doctors office with a bandage on each ear.
"What happened to your ears?" asks the doctor.
The man explains that his wife was sick in bed so he offered to stay home from work and do the house chores. while he was ironing the phone rang, and subconciously he puts the iron to his ear instead of the phone.
"Well, that explains one ear", the doctor replies. "But what about the other?"
"Well i had to call the doctor!"
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 4:29 pm
Kids' Bible
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBL E IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMA
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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 10:27 am
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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nameiwantedwastaken Captain
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Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 7:42 pm
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local
Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
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