Welcome to Gaia! ::

One: Manic Monster Muffins


“Please tell me why we hang out with him again,” Chase moaned, his head in his hands as the smaller of his two companions started dancing on the tabletop.
“Hey, it’s your fault for letting him have that much ale,” the other growled flatly. “I’m surprised that he’s still conscious after that round. Seven-teen pints, for God’s sake! How the heck does he do it!?”
Chase sighed, took up his own tankard and took a small swig.
“I don’t know, but I sure don’t envy the headache that he’s going to have in the morning.” Then, he quickly reached out and grabbed the drunk’s ankle, dragging him off the table into a dizzy heap.
“Oi, Jay! Stop embarrassing us, dammit, or I’ll kill you myself!” he scowled at the man, before returning to his ale. Instead of getting the hint, however, Jay took this as an opportunity to show his friends how special they were.
“I love you guyssss…” he mumbled, half-choking them in a drunken headlock and causing Chase to spurt out half of the liquid in his mouth. “You’re like my family and you… you…”
His sentence was cut short as he collapsed to the floor with a lopsided grin on his face. Chase sighed and continued drinking.
“Finally,” he muttered.

It was late evening in Craggly Peak, the continent’s only mountain-city. The sunset was blocked by the towering mountain range of the Crags, the line of terrain, which were seen by some people to be the very spine of the country. To others, it was simply known as ‘that bloody great, big load of mountains near the East’.
Either way, the mountain city was nearing night, and all the women and children returned to their small homes on the rocky slopes, while all the men quickly ushered into any available tavern. As there was only two in the whole area, this made things difficult, but, nevertheless, soon all the good men-folk were having bar-fights, vomiting in abundance and simply having fun.
Outside the smaller of these taverns, three horses pawed the ground impatiently. They felt miserable: their reins were making them itch, they had been tied too tight and, to make matters worse, they could sense a storm coming. However, their ears pricked up immediately when their owners came flying out of the tavern door, landing face first into the dirt.
“And don’t come back! Or I’ll call in the authorities!”
With a lot of groaning and complaining, the figures slowly got to their feet and dusted themselves down. Well, two of them did, the other was still giggling madly between vomiting on the floor. The horses trotted over, and the dapple-grey whinnied, before actually speaking.
“Enjoy yourselves?” it asked, smiling sweetly. Chase gave it a look of pure hatred.
“We would of if Trigger hadn’t started a fight.”
“Oh, that’s right! Blame me!” the other yelled sarcastically. “It’s not my fault that some idiot comes over to cause trouble!”
“He was asking for directions to the loo, for God’s sake!”
There was a short silence, before Trigger shrugged and replied,” Well, he deserved it with a dress sense like that. Anyway, I barely scratched him!”
“ You stuck your sword right through him!! And not only that, you went even further and cut his arms off!”
“Oh stop whining and help me get Jay onto Shandy!”
The smallest of the horses snorted and protested, “Can’t he ride on Bullet for tonight?” The dapple-grey stamped the ground and cried, “What!? No way! You think I’m crazy!? I’m Chase’s steed, not Jay’s!”
Shandy lowered her ears and turned to face the black horse that stood a good foot above her.
“Don’t even think it.”
The white mare bowed her head in defeat and sighed as her vomiting rider was strapped into her saddle. It felt like nothing could make her day any worse, when suddenly the heavens opened.
“Argh! Hail!” Chase cursed as several large chunks of ice pelted his head. “Who was the idiot who invented the damn stuff anyway!?”
Suddenly, a bolt of fork lighting struck at his feet and Bullet reared up on his hind legs, whinnying. A low rumble soon followed, and Chase shivered. It was times like this when he wondered why he ever left the safe, familiar warmth of his village. However, one look at his empty coin-pouch reminded him.
“This stinks!” he complained to Trigger, who was wisely sheltering under the small guttering of the tavern. “We’ve been walking around the continent for months ! We should have earned some money by now! Yet, here we are, a bunch of penniless guys, completely broke and CURSED!!“
“Well, that’s not necessary true, Chase,” Trigger pointed out. “We did earn some money, but we just blew it all on drink. And YOU’RE cursed, not us.”
“Yeah,” Bullet agreed. “You were the one who broke the sacred sapphire mirror in that woman’s shop…”
“And stood on her black cat…” Thunder, the other stallion pitched in.
“Oh, and then you went and got flattened by walking under the ladder propped up outside her shop…”
“YES, I GET THE POINT!!!” Chase yelled. “If I had known she was a witch, then I would have thought twice! How was I meant to know she had the power to curse!?”
“Well, the sign outside her shop did say, ‘Magic Emporium’…” Trigger said, unhelpfully. “And underneath it said quite clearly: ’Madame Jinks; fully qualified witch’.
Chase glared at the warrior with a look of increasing hatred, but was distracted when Jay started vomiting loudly, much to Shandy’s disgust. She looked up at Chase miserably and asked, “Can we go now please?”
Chase nodded and Trigger strode up to Thunder, swinging himself lightly into the saddle. Chase followed suit and turned to Trigger.
“Where now then, Mr-Know-It-All?”
After a quick glance at a ragged piece of cloth, Trigger frowned and shook his head.
“I dunno, I reckon this map we brought is fake.”
Chase sighed.
“Are you holding it the right way up?”
“Yep.”
“Is your thumb covering some of the areas?”
“Nope. Oh, hang on…”
After a long rummage in his saddlebag, he pulled out another piece of paper.
“It’s all right, I picked up the wrong map. This one’s the right one.”
“What’s the other one for?”
Trigger blushed and mumbled something. Chase didn’t bother asking him to speak up. Knowing Trigger, it was probably the secret map of how to break into the local armoury. Wherever there were weapons, there was Trigger, lovingly cradling them in his bulky arms, like they were the most precious things on earth.
Instead, Chase returned his attention to the warrior, who pointed due West.
“We should go a few miles that way before making a quick detour through the forests of Hylur. That way, we should reach Brimstown in a matter of a couple of days.” He double-checked the map, then nodded.
Chase shook his head, before asking, “This ‘detour’, is it going to be like the last one?”
“Look, it’s not my fault that we got lost and almost got swallowed by quicksand.”
Shandy felt sure that another argument would ensue, if there hadn’t been an interruption.
“Oh, Trigster!” came a relieved voice from behind them. Both Trigger and Chase turned around in unison, and quickly turned back as they saw a young woman stumbling up to them, holding her skirt up so not to get it dirty.
“Damn!” Trigger whimpered. “How the heck did she find us?! I thought we lost her in that jungle a few miles back!”
“Oh, Triggy! I found you!” the woman smiled happily as she caught up. She bounded over to Trigger in two strides and promptly hit him with enough force to knock out a small rhino. He fell off his saddle but his foot was still caught in the stirrup.
“DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!” the woman bellowed, all pleasantry lost. “I want you to apologise right now!!”
“For what!?” Trigger snapped, stemming his nosebleed with a grubby hand. Chase watched with growing amusement.
“How DARE you! First you leave me for dead in that jungle pit, then you have the nerve to say: ‘what did I do?”! Apologise!”
“You may be royalty, but that doesn’t give you the right to make me apologise, Princess!” Trigger growled.
Chase didn’t dare say so, but he agreed. Ever since her father had given them a contract to escort her across the country, Princess Jenna had done nothing but moan. After all they’d been through, it should be her apologising.
Slowly, she walked up next to Thunder’s flank and murmured, “Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you, Triggy…”
“How many times do I have to tell you: DON’T call me thaaaaaaaaaaaargh!”
Thunder suddenly bolted madly after Jenna smacked his flank, with Trigger still caught in the stirrup. As his head was smashed around on the floor and kicked by his steed’s heavy hoofs, Jenna smiled and dusted herself down.
“Damn you!” Trigger screamed madly, his voice becoming fainter as Thunder became a dot on the horizon. “Damn you to Hell you scheming son of a…”
Chase, Shandy and Bullet looked positively terrified.
Jenna casually strolled over to Chase and smiled sweetly.
“Don’t you think we should get going? After all, if we don’t hurry up, we might loose him. And we wouldn’t want that now, would we?”
“Err…no, Your Highness…” Chase gulped. “Hop on.”
“Thank you.”
And with that, Shandy and Bullet took off, following the trail of dust and foul obscenities that could be heard far-off in the distance.

By the time they had caught up with Trigger, it was late morning. He didn’t look at all pleased and when he saw the princess, he wasted no time in showing her an unhappy hand-gesture involving both his index and middle fingers. He had managed to break out of the stirrup and was lying against a tree. Thunder, meanwhile, was sheepishly wandering around the edge of the meadow they had stopped in. He had already had to endure Trigger’s lecture and wild rantings and now he thought it would be best to leave him alone to sulk.
“There you are!” Jenna smiled sweetly when she saw him. “What were you thinking, running off like that?” Trigger’s face turned a worrying shade of purple.
“YOU ALMOST KILLED ME, YOU WRETCHED WITCH!” he yelled, gesturing to a wound on his head that was bleeding heavily.
“Urgh…please don’t shout…” Jay moaned clutching his head. Having only just recovered from his drunken stupor, he was having a hard time in keeping his food down.
“Where are we?” Bullet asked Trigger, who was struggling to his feet, muttering dark curses under his breath. Once upright, he pulled the map from his pouch and gave a gruff sigh.
“I reckon we’re in the fields surrounding the forests of Hylur, so that means we have to-“
“Oi!”
All eyes turned to see who had interrupted. A portly man wearing a hooded cloak and holding a scythe was marching up to them, a look of anger on his face and what could only be described as a ball of fur lumbering along next to him…
“Can I help you, Sir?” Chase asked, trying his best to be polite. The man stopped a few yards away and growled, “Yes, you can! You can get off my farm, you trespassing little ruffians!”
“We’re terribly sorry…”
“No we’re not,” Trigger muttered.
“…We didn’t realise this was your property. Of course, we’ll go.”
They turned to go, when suddenly the farmer stopped them again.
“What about my crops!? You went and crushed most of my produce! I want payment!”
Chase sighed and indicated to his empty coin pouch.
“But we don’t have any money!”
The farmer licked his lips and thought for a second, before pointing to Shandy.
“I reckon those horses would be enough to cover the cost…especially that mare.”
“WHAT!!?” all the party yelled. Jay clung to Shandy’s neck and shook his head.
“Never!” he cried, and stuck out his tongue for good measure.
“Sorry, no can do.”
“I ain’t walking…”
Sensing something was going on, Thunder came trotting up and asked, “Have I missed something?”
The farmer almost dropped his scythe. “Cor blimey! It can talk!? That’s it! Give me those horses and I’ll give you ten coins as well! Deal?”
“Idiot,” Trigger spat at Thunder. “Why can’t you ever keep your mouth shut?”
Jay shook his head again and said firmly, “Nope, I’m not trusting anyone who wants to take away Shandy! Right, Chase?”
However, Chase was scratching his head in thought.
“Ten coins, huh?”
“Chase!” Jay yelled in horror. “Don’t even think about it! It’s only ten coins! We can get that much by just begging! If I loose Shandy, I’ll…I’ll…I’ll moan like mad for the rest of the trip! Then you’ll be sorry!”
“Yeah,” Bullet snorted. “I’m worth at least fifty coins, anyway!”
The farmer gasped again. “That one talks too? Make that twenty coins and I’ll throw in some grub, too.”
Even Trigger was starting to buckle now. It had been weeks since he’d had a proper meal. However, Jay was still shaking his head relentlessly. Thankfully, Jenna took control of the situation.
“As Princess of this land, I refuse to walk on the cold, dirty floor. I need these horses for the long journey ahead. Stand down, good farmer, or I’ll have my father strip you of all your land and have you thrown in the Rustar Dungeons.”
“Stuff off.”
Jenna looked completely taken aback.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard: stuff off, or I’ll set Muffin on you.”
As if to support this claim, ‘Muffin’ the fluff-ball gave a threatening snarl. Trigger couldn’t suppress a chuckle.
“What’s wrong, punk?” the farmer glared at him. “What’s so funny?”
“It’s just… how is something that pathetic going to get us? And what kind of name is ‘Muffin’? Isn’t that a cake of something?”
He bust into a fit of uncontrolled laughter. Chase and Jenna joined in. Even Jay, who usually took roughly an hour to figure things out, started to smile.
“Yeah,” he grinned. “Only a complete idiot would call their pet something like that!”
Unfortunately, the farmer did not agree.

“RUUUUUUN!”
“Jay! What were you thinking?!”
“I wasn’t!”
“No, you never do!”
“Well, how was I meant to know that the fluff-ball could become gigantic and breathe fire?!”
“Just shut up and ride faster!!!” Chase yelled, as the ground shook with each step of the colossal beast that pursued them. Thunder, Bullet and Shandy were galloping as if their lives depended on it, which, of course it did.
“You wait until my father hears about this!” Jenna screamed, clinging tightly to Chase. “Then you’ll really have something to run from!”
“Excuse me, but me and Trigger didn’t do anything!” Chase replied. “If, you’re going to get anyone in trouble, it’s got to be Jay! He’s the idiot who provoked it!”
“Am not!” came an annoyed cry from Chase’s left.
“Just shut up and run, you idiots!” Trigger called from behind. “You’ll have plenty of time to fight when we aren’t being chased by some demented freak!”
As if to prove his point, a tongue of fire suddenly erupted from the creature’s mouth, causing Jenna’s hair to catch alight. After emitting a terrific scream, Thunder managed to get alongside Bullet and Trigger put the fire out by mercilessly whacking the princess, and continued even after the fire was gone.
Thankfully, Jay pointed up ahead and cried, “Look! Isn’t that a forest? Do you think it’s Hylur?”
“Doesn’t matter if it is, we can still shelter there!”
“Less talking, more running for our lives!” Chase yelled as the creature slowly gained on them.
“We’re the one’s running, you ungrateful human!” Bullet snorted. “You’re just being lazy, like some dozy mare. No offence, Shandy.”
“None taken.”
The first line of trees was coming up fast. The three horses sped up, in a desperate attempt to reach safety before finding themselves in the beast’s stomach…
And almost ran off the edge of a cliff.
“Whoa!” Chase yelled, as Bullet reared up and tried to turn around. Jay and Trigger tried the same with their horses, much to their confusion.
“Dammit, Jay! It wasn’t a forest! It was just a small border of trees by this cliff!” Trigger cursed, glaring at Jay.
However, Jay had no time to reply, as the monster tore away the huddle of trees with ease and stood, towering over the group. The horses and riders slowly backed away, until they heard tiny grains of gravel fall and become lost to the drop. The end seemed near, and Chase gulped. As the beast’s boiling breath came closer and heavier, Jay suddenly had a brilliant idea.
“Look!” he yelled enthusiastically, pointing to the North. “Look! A distraction!!”
The monster roared in outrage, then actually turned it’s head to see what all the commotion was. Seeing nothing, it decided to get closer and investigate. As the sound of pounding feet faded away, Chase, Trigger, Jenna, Bullet, Thunder and Shandy all looked in disbelief at Jay. Then, at the exact same time, they yelled:
“How the hell did you do that?!”
“Ah, I guess it’s just talent,” he sighed modestly, smiling. However, his smile changed to one of uneasiness as a small tremor rumbled through the ground and caused everyone to jump. Bullet reared up again, and Jenna, who had not fully grasped what was going on, was thrown off his back…
…And into the eighty-foot drop.
The rest of the company all rushed to the edge of the cliff and gazed as the heir to the throne plummeted to her unavoidable death, screaming madly. As the sound faded and no sign of her could be seen, the group stared at each other in surprise, and jumped for joy.
“Woohoo!”
“Oh yeah! No more Bossy-Boots!”
“Booyah!
“Could today get any better!?”
After many minutes of this, the group slowly settled down and sat, panting on the cliff edge.
“Ah, that was good,” Trigger smiled.
“I hope it was a slow death,” Chase grinned devilishly.
Jay stood up and looked over the edge.
“I wonder what’s down there anyway?” he thought aloud…
…Just before the cliff edge collapsed.


Two: A Hamster Eat Human World


Psycho didn’t get many visitors. Then again, when you were a solitary cannibal living at the bottom of one of the deepest canyons in the whole continent, it was hardly surprising. However, today seemed to be different.
He was halfway through turning a scorpion into a kebab, when he heard a sudden scream. He turned and saw a young woman plummeting from the sky and waving her hands madly, as if desperately trying to fly. There was a long drawn-out cry, then a loud sickening crunch.
She lay still for several moments, and Psycho decided to investigate. She was obviously rich, as the material of her dress was made of pure silk, and she had several ornaments clinging to her hair. Psycho checked her pulse, though this was hardly necessary: her head was bleeding after it had hit a sharp rock and her neck was broken. Grinning, he licked his lips. It had been a while since he had had a decent meal. The scrawny, weathered cannibal grabbed both her wrists and dragged his breakfast into the small cave, ready for preparation. However, he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard several more screams.
To his delight and astonishment, more meals were arriving, along with a side dish of horses. As they landed with a bump, all was still. Psycho couldn’t believe his luck: he didn’t even get this much meat in a whole year, let alone a day. Rubbing his hands with glee, he ambled over to the latest victims and began dragging them into his lair. Within minutes, all signs of the party were gone, except for a few indents in the soft soil surrounding the area.

When Jay finally woke up, he was more than a little surprised to find that someone was biting his arm.
“Argh!!” he cried, partly out of fear as well as pain. The stranger looked up in horror.
“You… you’re still alive?” he asked, obviously disappointed.
“Who the? What the? Where the?” Jay stuttered, wrenching his arm away and looking around. Around him, there were shadows, flickering in the torchlight that emitted from one of the rocky walls. Next to him, Trigger was laying face down, and Chase was propped up against a wall, eyes closed. The horses were nowhere to be seen.
“Oh well,” the stranger shrugged matter-of-factly, completely ignoring Jay’s spluttered outbursts. “You were pretty skinny anyway. I suppose I should fatten you up first, before eating you.”
“What?!” Jay asked nervously. “Sorry, but I could have sworn you said, ’eat… me.’”
“That’s right. So keep still, unless you want to feel a world of pain,” the cannibal threatened, before getting up and rummaging in what looked like a makeshift cupboard. However, Jay had no intention of keeping still. Silently, he turned towards what he assumed was the exit and crawled along the sandy floor, wincing at any sound he heard. He had almost reached what looked like a ray of sunlight, when a foot came out of nowhere and stood on his back with enough force to wind a tiger.
“What did I say?” the stranger sighed, as Jay gasped for air. “Well, I did warn you. Now, because you’ve been so annoying, I’ll have to go ahead and boil you up now. “
Still choking, Jay shook his head and panted, “No! I can assure you, I taste horrible! I’ll give you indigestion! You’ll feel terrible for weeks after! You’ll be ill! I-“
“Oh shut up and behave, like a good meal! Anyway, I’ve found that I can eat anything if I just add salt, no matter how bad,” the cannibal growled, heaving him deeper into the cave, where Jay swore he could hear the sound of water boiling becoming louder and louder.
“Hey! Do I LOOK like a meal, you freak!?”
“Yep.”
Jay whimpered.
“This is totally unfair,” he whined, his hands clawing the sand as he was dragged along.
“Oh stop being such a baby and shut up: you’re getting cold.”
Still clutching desperately at the grains of sand, Jay racked his brains, until he found an idea.
“Look, a distraction!” he yelled for the second time that day, trying his best to point. The cannibal ignored him completely, and only quickened his pace. Jay sighed: oh well, it was worth a try.
He closed his eyes and decided that he had no other choice than to go for Plan B.
“CHAAAAASE! TRIGGEEEER! HEEEEEEELP!” he yelled pathetically, pounding his hands on the floor like a whining toddler as the stranger took him further into the shadows, and closer to the dinner table.

As Bullet limped across what seemed like a small desert, he whinnied. As if falling off an impossibly tall cliff wasn’t bad enough, he had awoken in a cave of some sorts, where a funny little man was stood over him with a cleaver. Sensing something was not right, Bullet wisely decided to get the others and escape as soon as the human had gone. After awaking Thunder and Shandy, he went to wake their riders. However, before they could try, they had heard footsteps approaching and decided to get out while they still could. Now, all three of them were stumbling blindly along the wasteland outside the cave that was being bathed in twilight.
As she cantered after Thunder, Shandy called out, “Don’t you think we should go back? After all, without those guys, we’re pretty defenceless. Who knows what kind of trouble could happen! There could be poachers or thieves out here!”
“I dunno if we can,” Thunder muttered as he galloped across the barren land, looking for any sign of civilization. “I mean, Bullet’s injured, and my head is killing after that fall. What use would we be? That human reeked of animal blood, and I don’t think we’d be able to take him. I mean, it was only pure luck that we landed in some super soft sand when we tumbled off the cliff, I don’t think we should push it.”
“Oh come on, Thunder.”
“No. We stay here.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“Pretty please?”
“I said no!”
“Aww, c’mon.”
“Not going to happen.”
“Fine,” Shandy snorted, before performing a U-turn and heading back towards the cave entrance that was barely visible in the dust. Thunder stopped and turned to watch.
“Where are you going, woman?!”
“I’m going back,” she called. “You two can stay out here and rot for all I care. To Hell with you all! Wahahahaha!”
As Bullet and Thunder watched her canter away, they both shared a glance.
“What a strange creature,” Bullet murmured.
“Too right,” Thunder nodded, before chasing after her, closely followed by Bullet.

“Go on! Get moving!”
Jay winced as he felt the cleaver prodding him in the back and he took another small baby step forward. The board he stood on wobbled unnervingly and the water below it bubbled violently inside an enormous tub.
“Can I just ask one tiny thing?” he enquired hopefully. Psycho nodded. Giving a large sigh of mild relief, Jay pointed at the water.
“How did you ever get such a big cauldron? I mean, it’s at least twenty times the size of a regular one and goodness knows how you got it down into the cave, but still how did-“
“Stop stalling and start walking!” Psycho growled, giving Jay another painful prod in the back.
“Can’t I stop stalling and start being allowed to leave?” he asked timidly.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Look: I’m hungry, and when I’m hungry, I get angry. You do NOT want to see me loose my temper, do you?”
“Well, it might be interesting to see…”
“Stop stalling!!”
“Errr… well, can’t we just settle with your first idea? You know, the one where I get to live until I’m nice and fat? I’m sure that plan would be best for everyone concerned if I’m – argh!!”
Not being able to stand anymore of Jay’s ramblings, Psycho had jumped at him and pinned him down on the board, hanging precariously over the steaming pot.
“How about I slice open your throat, eh!? How would you like that!? That ought to shut you up!!” the cannibal grinned madly, holding the cleaver up to Jay’s neck.
“I doubt it,” came a voice from behind them. “Jay wouldn’t shut up even if you ripped his tongue out.”
“Yeah, we’ve tried ourselves, but nothing works with that guy.”
Psycho jumped to his feet and stared in disbelief at the two men stood in the doorway.
“How… how did you all survive the fall?” he stammered, clutching the knife tightly in his hand, still keeping one foot pressed against Jay’s neck, almost suffocating him.
Chase shrugged.
“I dunno: I guess it’s because we’re a tough bunch,” he said casually, drawing his sword at the same time. Seeing the blade, Psycho panicked and grabbed Jay by the throat and held him over the pot, his boots dangling just feet from the water surface.
“Don’t come any closer!” he threatened, tightening his grip around Jay’s throat. Despite his best efforts, Jay’s squirming did nothing but increase the pain.
“That’s okay,” Trigger growled. “I can kill you from here. I don’t care if Jay dies or not: NOBODY tries to make me into a meal and gets off scot-free.”
“Damn right,” Chase agreed.
“What!?” Jay spluttered between getting choked. “What do you mean: ‘I don’t care if he dies’?!”
“It means exactly what we said,” Trigger shrugged.
“Dammit! Come here! I’ll kill you myself, you ungrateful, back-stabbing little TRAITOR! Let me at him! Let me at him!” Jay spat uncontrollably, waving his arms like a man possessed. Struggling to keep his grip on the frantic man, Psycho decided to scare him. He briefly let go of Jay, allowing him to drop a few more inches nearer to the boiling water, before grabbing his wrist.
“You want to die?” Psycho asked as Jay stopped struggling and started sweating nervously. He managed a small chuckle.
“Weren’t you going to kill me anyway?”
“Just answer the question.”
“Well, no, not particularly… but, if it’s alright with you, I’d prefer to stay alive on solid ground, please. I have an aversion to swimming around in boiling water.”
Jay tried to smile, but the heat was really unbearable now, and he could feel his wrist slowly slipping through Psycho’s sweaty grip. Meanwhile, at the other end of the room, Chase and Trigger were stuck.
“Damn,” Chase muttered under his breath. “Our bluff didn’t work…”
“What bluff?” Trigger asked in confusion. Chase shook his head in disbelief.
“The bluff about not caring whether he dies.”
There was a short pause, in which Trigger rubbed the back of his head.
“Err… that was a bluff?”
Choosing to ignore the question, Chase looked back at the scene unfolding in front of them.
“We have to do something.”
Silently, Trigger twirled his sword and took aim.
“What the heck are you doing?!” Chase hissed. “If you kill that weirdo, then Jay’s cooked… literally!”
“If we don’t kill that guy, then he’ll kill all of us. We’ve just got to hope that Jay can grab the board on his way down.”
A ray of moonlight broke through a small opening in the cavern’s ceiling and shone on Psycho, who looked up and stood stock-still, gazing at the light, a strange look on his face.
Seizing his chance, Trigger launched his blade into the air. It turned over and was on a direct collision course for Psycho’s neck. Chase crossed his fingers. The blade sped across the room and was about to make contact…
…And missed.

Trigger and Chase looked both horrified and confused. Psycho had disappeared. However, Jay hadn’t. And with no one hold him out of the water’s reach, he became a victim of gravity.
Suddenly, a clattering of hooves erupted from another corridor leading to the room and, like a bolt of lightning, Shandy tore into the room. Without even acknowledging Trigger and Chase, she leapt wildly towards her falling rider, across the pit of bubbling water.
Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. As she soared through the steaming air, Shandy lowered her head so that it was level with her body. When she reached Jay halfway across, she grabbed his cloak with her teeth and he managed to reach out and hold her neck. Then, he swung himself onto her back, and almost collapsed with terror. Together, the duo were carried by the boiling air to the other side of the pit.
Trigger and Chase immediately rushed to them and stood, staring in disbelief at the rider and his horse. Jay was sat, smiling strangely on Shandy’s back.
“I think I’m going to be a vegetarian from now on,” he announced, before promptly fainting and falling off his steed with a heavy ‘wump’. Trigger grinned at Chase, who was still staring at Shandy in astonishment.
“Shandy: you are one crazy animal,” was all he could say. The white mare pawed the ground with embarrassment, and was spared having to answer when Bullet and Thunder galloped into the hall.
“Wow: what the heck happened here?” Thunder asked, nodding his head at Jay.
“It’s a long and complicated story,” Trigger said, before turning to Chase and asking, “What happened to that nutter?”
“I dunno. He just disappeared into thin air.”
“Reckon he’s one of them magic sorts,” Trigger deducted. “I’m just going to have a look at where he was stood, though, just to make sure.”
Chase nodded, then leant over Jay’s unconscious form. He was snoring quietly. Awww, Chase thought. Jay looks so peaceful when he’s asleep…
And with this, Chase kicked him.
“Wake up, lazybones. Oi! Wake up, you moron!” he yelled at Jay, who simply rolled over in his exhausted sleep and began snoring with even greater gusto.
“Hey Chase!” Trigger called. “Come here!”
“What?” he snapped, getting up and hobbling over. Trigger was pointing at the board.
“What do you reckon that is?”
“It’s a board, you idiot.”
“Not that! The thing that’s on it!”
Chase looked again, squinting at where Trigger pointed. It took him a while, but eventually, he spotted a tiny ball of fur.
“What the heck is that?”
“That’s what I was asking you!”
“I dunno. It’s looks like some fluff…”
“Should we kill it?”
Chase thought for a while. However, before he could answer, a small, squeaky voice screamed, “Nooo! Don’t kill me!”
Trigger and Chase shared a long, confused look, then turned their gaze onto the quivering fur-ball. It had uncurled, revealing itself to be some sort of rodent and slowly backing away from them.
After a stunned silence, Trigger bent down and faced the animal.
“Did you just say something?” he asked, feeling quite silly at addressing a puny lump of fur. The subject in question nodded.
“What’s going on?” Chase asked, scratching his forehead in bewilderment. “How hard did we hit our heads when we fell off that cliff?”
The rodent snorted in disgust and folded its tiny arms.
“My, anyone would think you buffoons hadn’t ever seen a were-hamster before!” it sniffed in disgust.
“A what?” Trigger asked, eyebrows raised.
“Honestly: do I have to spell it out for you!? I am a were-hamster! I’m human in sunlight and hamster in moonlight! Any of this a-ringing a bell!?”
“Nope.”
“Where am I?” came a voice from behind them.
Trigger and Chase turned to see Jay slowly making his way towards them, leaning on Bullet as he tried to get his bearings.
“You are in dark depths of some crazed, man-eating, transforming guy’s home, which happens to be a cave in the middle of what looks like a barren wasteland,” Trigger answered simply.
“Oh,” came the reply.
Jay shook his head violently, as if to shake off some huge pain, then noticed the were-hamster on the floor. Almost immediately, his eyes lit up.
“Awwww! Look at the fuzzy little critter!” he cooed, much to Chase’s embarrassment. Jay went and picked it up in his hands and gave it a suffocating hug. “Can we keep it?”
“YOU HAVE GOT TO BE JOKING!” Trigger spluttered. “That thing tried to EAT you, you dolt! It’s a vicious, bloodthirsty monster!! It’ll kill us in our sleep!”
“So?” Jay asked innocently. Seeing his companions’ unimpressed faces, he allowed his bottom lip to quiver and his voice changed to a soft choke.
“Please, guys? I promise to take extra special care of it: it won’t be any trouble. Honest!”
“If you think we’re going to fall for that, then your mistaken.”
Jay’s pupils grew wide and his eyes started watering at the corners.
“No! Don’t give us that look!”
“Oh no, he’s using the puppy-gaze…”
“Stop looking at us with those eyes! You can’t keep it!”
“Oh, Jay… don’t look at us like that…”
“Please Jay, stop it… stop it…”
“Fine! Keep the stupid thing! Just don’t give us the look again!”
Jay’s expression immediately changed into a huge grin and he practically leapt for joy, almost throwing the poor were-hamster into the air.
“Don’t I get a say in this?” Psycho whimpered as he was rocked about violently.
“Now Jay, a cannibal is a big responsibility…” Chase warned him over the cries of joy.
“Yeah,” Trigger nodded. “You’ll have to feed it, clean up after it, take it to the local herbalist occasionally, discipline it…” He counted off the tasks on his fingers, then, noticing that Jay wasn’t paying attention, he smiled and added, “Kill it if it suddenly goes on a murderous, man-eating rampage…”
“What?” Jay asked, turning his attention back to Trigger.
“Nothing… nothing…”
“Just make sure you look after it,” Chase warned. “Remember what happened last time?”
“Oh but it wasn’t my fault that Snuffy got loose and began burning everything, just because I didn’t clean out his pen!” Jay protested. At the sound of the dragon’s name, Trigger shuddered and retreated to a corner, where he sat rocking backwards and forwards, mumbling to himself. Bullet shook his head.
“You would have thought he’d get over it by now,” he sighed, nodding his head at the trembling figure. “I mean, it’s been ages since that over-sized lizard ate his favourite aunt. Why doesn’t he just forget it?”
“You seem to forget that Snuffy burnt down half his village too,” Chase replied to his steed, glaring at Jay in the process. “Plus, I don’t think spending almost a week inside his stomach would have helped Trigger forget the whole ordeal.”
“Hey, it wasn’t my fault!” Jay insisted. “Snuffy was just really hungry, that’s why he ate us! Honestly, the poor thing had to eat something! But you guys wouldn’t have it, would you? Oh no, you had to go slice him open from the inside! Not only did you murder the only thing that I loved in life, but you refused to apologise!”
“I thought that I was the only thing in life you loved,” Shandy whinnied, obviously hurt by the comment. Jay sighed and replied, “Well, yeah, obviously you as well, but Snuffy was a misunderstood dragon, so he needed extra special care…”
“Excuse me…”
Jay looked down at the hamster in his hands.
“What?”
“You’re… suffocating… me…”
“Oh, sorry,” Jay said, releasing the chokehold he had used on Psycho. “I’m just getting a little stressed, I guess.”
“Can we go?” Chase asked, tapping his foot impatiently. “Only, I’d like to get out of here and find somewhere good to sleep before Mr Pipsqueak turns human again.”
“The name’s Psycho,” the hamster growled. “And unless you start calling me that pretty sharpish, I going to resort back to man-eating…”
“Don’t hamster’s eat seeds?” Trigger mumbled from the corner.
“Well, duh,” Psycho said sarcastically. “Of course we do… it’s just when I’m human, I get this undeniable urge to eat meat.”
“Right, glad we got that cleared up,” Trigger sighed, before calling Thunder over to him. Jay did the same for Shandy, and Chase was about to mount Bullet, when he remembered something.
“Where’s Jenna?”
“What?” Trigger asked, as if only just aware that she wasn’t with them. “Didn’t she fall off the cliff too? Wouldn’t she be here too?”
“Blimey, I thought it was a lot quieter than usual,” Jay added.
“Who?” Psycho asked, confused.
“She’s an annoying girl who happens to be the most foul, bad-tempered and annoying princess that has ever lived.”
“Was she wearing a silk dress and tons of ugly stuff in her hair?” Psycho enquired.
“Yeah, that’s her.”
“Ah… right…”
“What?”
“I’m afraid I’ve eaten her.”
There was a long, tense silence, in which the hamster looked around nervously, expecting a flurry of insults and attacks. So he almost died of shock when all three men started hugging him and shaking his stubby little paws.
“Oh! How can we ever repay you?”
“You must be the greatest freak that has ever lived.”
“Can I have your autograph?”
“Yes! Now I only have to carry one rider!”
“Finally: now she can’t torment us any more!”
“I was so sick of her ordering us about like common ponies…”
Psycho just stared around at the mass of beaming faces and blushed.
“Glad I could be of service…” he muttered.