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Faith Lost (Short story, comments welcome)

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KittehKat09

PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:10 am


"Hurry up Sayna, father will kill us if we're late!"
"I'll be there in a second," the girl yelled back as she finished writing in her diary.
Sayna was a girl about sixteen. She had long black hair that she often wore in a ponytail except on special occasions. She wore a deep magenta bodice that would sometimes look purple in the sun. She also wore a long skirt that was split on the sides from the bottom to her thighs. She wore boots that were the same color and reached up to her knees. At her side she wore two katana's that she used in battle.
Her brother, Turin was the second of the three children; he was eighteen and the oldest, Tuor, was nineteen. They both had short brown hair and broad shoulders. They each wore deep blue tunics and pants with black boots and used a sword and bow when in battle.
She, her brothers, and her friend, Maedros, were warriors for their country Endorath, but stayed within it’s capital which lied on eastern side, facing out into the sea.. They often traveled and got little sleep but they endured it and were as wide awake as anyone else.
Sayna jumped out of the tree and followed her brother, Turin, towards the main city. They walked through the outside meadow and through the vast gates. Hurriedly they made their way through the crowded market streets and into a pub. The sign swayed in the wind of an oncoming storm. The sign said:
Ohtars Pub and Inn
They walked in and sat at the bar and waited as their father served the others their drinks. Not long after their arrival their older brother entered and walked over to them and sat next to Sayna, "Eru, the wind outside is horrible. A storm is coming and it sure doesn't look pretty."
"It'll be the same as every other storm that's hit, I can promise you that," said their father,"But lets forget that for now. What would you three like?"
"Sayna and I will have a glass of water," said Turin.
Their father nodded and turned to Tuor, "What about you?"
"A light ale please," replied Tuor, "I'm still on my shift."
"Does not surprise me," the man said as he handed Sayna and Turin their water,"You always were the one who would take the longer shifts," he added as he poured him some ale.
"Sayna," Tuor turned to Sayna when their father had left to get other people their orders, " I overheard that Maedros was planning on proposing to you later this night. He's already gotten father's permission but don't say you heard it from me," he smiled down at her as he took a sip of his ale.
Sayna's heart leapt for joy when she heard the news. She had longed for this moment ever since they had met. She always knew that he was the one and now she finally had this wonderful dream within her grasp but was brought back to earth when the door of the pub flew open and Maedros walked in. He was soaked from head to toe and everyone could see the rain outside was pouring down outside. He stood in the doorway panting and Sayna and her brothers ran over to him, "What's wrong?" asked Sayna.
"It's Fashmire, they're attacking. I don't know who's leading them but their army is massive. There is no way to call for aid. Hurry and follow me to the north wall. Our forces are gathering but I fear we are too late," he said between pants.
They all pulled out their weapons and ran through the empty market street which was full just a few minuets ago. Sayna's heart sank when she looked over the parapet and saw the massive army. It seemed like the troops went on for miles. By the time they were there the battle had already started. There were archery men shooting up and they could hear the screams of men that fell over the parapet.
They all wished one another good luck and went on different parts of the parapet to help slow the surge on the wall. The men began to pull up ladders in Sayna's area, "Cut them down!" she yelled, "Cut the ladders down!" her and other men cut the ropes and the ladders fell back, smashing the fighters below. But soon there were to many and they couldn't cut the ladders down and it soon became a battle of skill.
After what seemed like hours the wall was close to taken, few of the guards were left and they began to pull back, Sayna with them, when suddenly Sayna heard a familiar cry. She turned after killing a man and saw Maedros fall to the ground, a dagger in his heart, "No!" she screamed and ran over to him killing men as she went. She fell to her knees and laid his head in her lap.
"Sayna, I love you and I'm sorry," she hushed him but knew he would die, "Go, the city is lost, flee. Calatarth will protect..." he never finished before his last breath came out. She closed his eyes and kissed his forehead. Then she stood up knowing she'd have to still fight or she'd be an easy target.
She wiped her tears and turned to see Tuor standing there. He gave her a hand and she stood up, "Run Sayna, we are lost. Go, and don't look back!" he said, fear in his eyes.
"But," she objected but he wouldn't let her finish, "Sayna, go NOW!" She turned and ran down the steps but as she ran she saw a familiar face lying on the stone steps, it was Turin and she kept running tears streaming down her eyes.
She ran through the market street and heard another familiar cry. She tried to not look back but did and saw Tuor fall down the parapet and knew the last defense was gone. Though men continued to fight it was in vane. A flood of men and mutated creatures climbed the wall and ran through the door. The began to set buildings on fire and she heard the anguish screams of people trapped inside the burning buildings.
She ran to the docks and commandeered a sailboat. She hurriedly cut the boat and sailed off. The storm had ended and the clouds dispersed leaving the midnight sky shining but she knew the city was gone. She turned back one more time and saw the entire city in flames. Her final tears came out as she thought of things that once were and things that could have been but still wondering what things have yet come to pass.
Then she faced the sky and spoke softly, "So, Calantarth, this is my fate," she said as she faced the sea, "And yet,maybe, there is still hope. A dream that becomes real. Maybe I won't die, maybe I'll find new hope, adventures and maybe even love though I shall never forget my family nor I shall I ever forget Maedros."
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 10:16 am


That's really quite a good story... Usually, and I hate to say it, but I can't really be bothered to read people's stories: I lose interest easily. But this one kept me reading until the end. It's really good! A couple of spelling mistakes, sure, but nothing to complain about. That could get published on day, y'know? You just need to carry it on a little more.

Wolfie Kid
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Cebelrai
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 2:06 pm


Hey, glad to see you posted.
I really like your story.
PostPosted: Mon May 07, 2007 2:02 pm


Ok
The actual story is good, however it seems to end very quickly and also there isent much to it. You introduce the charecters, then kill them all except one, then a few minutes later the main charecter has already gotten over the death of her entire family.
Its good, but it needs work

Bazz3000

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