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 Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 6:10 pm
Ok, last June I was raped by my boyfriend of less than a week. He took my virginity and all that jazz. Over the next few weeks, he ended upblackmailing me into sleeping with him around 20 times. I don't want any comments on this. I'm over it. I'm actually getting to where I'm ok with the fact that it happened. But that's a different story. My issue is this...
I have two best friends, Amber and Crys. Crys was in Minnosota all summer while Amber was here with me. I told Amber what happened almost immediately after the fact and we ended up getting into a huge fight over it. Since then we've made up and everything's great...except for the fact that I've never been able to bring myself to tell Crys. I just don't know how. Me and my ex still talk, mostly because I'm just trying to keep
him from doing anything else that's stupid to anyone else. Anyways, he still mentions things we've done from time to time. Crys lives with me, so she sees parts of theses conversations every now and then, or she hears my replys to him when he calls me. She's asked me straight up before if I've ever slept with him...and I've always told her no. I just don't know how to tell her what happened.
So, basically, I'm just asking for advice on how to admit to my best friend that a guy she hates with a passion raped me. I don't even have to tell her about the rest, I just want her to know he did. But I'm not sure how to let her know what happened. Any help will be greatly appreciated. And if you need any more information, just let me know.
Thank you!
(I'm posting this in the LI as well. I just want to get as many replies as possible)
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Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 12:52 pm
I know you said you didn`t want any comments on this but I`m sorry that you were raped. Been there done that and it is very painful. It`s good that you are accepting that part of your life. I don`t know if it`s wise to continue talking to him but I understand that you don`t want this to happen again.
I think it`s important to the healing process to discuss this issue with others to have support and someone to talk to so if you want to tell her that is good. I suggest that you do it in a more comfortable private or public atmosphere. If you worry about a huge scene that she might make it may be good to do it in public because she is less likely to react as bad as she may in public towards this guy. Do it over coffee or something(either public or private) and warn her that you have something you want to tell her that is really important to you and that you don`t want her to over react. That`s all the advice I have to give. It`s also better to do it quickly and set your mind to it otherwise you may back out without truly wanting to. It`s like ripping off a bandaid. Good luck, *HUG*
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Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 5:23 pm
It's ok that you comment on it like that. I just don't want to be bashed or called stupid. I know I made stupid moves and decisions. I don't need to be told that again. I've tried to stop talking to him before...but for some reason it's really hard for me to completely say goodbye....probably because I know he'd try to kill himself again if I did.
Anyways. I've discussed it with a few people. As I said, my other best friend knows, Crys's boyfriend knows, and so does his best friend (we're all really close). She's not the type to make a scene over it. It's just hard to talk since we live together, so if she's angry at me, we'll still see each other all the time. This is just a very...delicate situation to handle, and I'm not sure what to do anymore.
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Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 6:47 pm
mistressofthelost It's ok that you comment on it like that. I just don't want to be bashed or called stupid. I know I made stupid moves and decisions. I don't need to be told that again. I've tried to stop talking to him before...but for some reason it's really hard for me to completely say goodbye....probably because I know he'd try to kill himself again if I did. Anyways. I've discussed it with a few people. As I said, my other best friend knows, Crys's boyfriend knows, and so does his best friend (we're all really close). She's not the type to make a scene over it. It's just hard to talk since we live together, so if she's angry at me, we'll still see each other all the time. This is just a very...delicate situation to handle, and I'm not sure what to do anymore. If anyone bashes you or calls you stupid on here because you were raped I will jam my heel up their butt. That`s just wrong and I can`t imagine anyone would do that. Don`t think you made stupid moves or decisions. It wasn`t your fault..... easier said than done, I know. I think you should tell her because everyone else around her knows and she may find out the hard way. Try having coffee with her and ask her to stay calm about it. Chances are she will because she cares about you. Tell her exactly what you want from her(ex. not to talk to him, not to be around him, not to tell anyone, not to talk about it, etc.). She won`t get mad. She obviously cares about you if she`s your friend. If anything she`ll be happy you told her. Don`t worry, I`m sure everything will go over fine.
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Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 7:01 pm
Oh I've been called stupid on multiple occasions because of it. But whatever. I take some blame because I put myself in the situation by not listening to the people around me. I'm going to try and wait til her "crisis" is over before I say anything about it. (Her boyfriend is moving like 2 hours away for work) I hope it goes over as well as you're saying it will. I want this to be easy on both of us. I've already come to terms with it, but I don't feel like reopening old wounds.
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Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 5:32 pm
It sounds to me that you're making it out to be a bigger problem than it is. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you two are really close considering you live together and are still on good terms! The worst the conversation will be is awkward. Be up front with her that you don't want her to judge you for still being in contact with him and let her know that the only reason she was one of the last people to know was because you were nervous it wouldn't go over well. Luckily it isn't one of those situations where she's good friends with him because that would add more risk that it really wouldn't go over well at all. If you need to, write down what you want to say so you don't get lost. You don't need a speech, just write down the topics you want to cover. You might not need it but it's a good idea to do that if you're too nervous. I'm sure it will go over fine. The only thing I can think of that is a risk is that she contacts him in some way and does something she might regret, or she'll get at you for still being in contact with him. You might want to say that you don't want her to do that stuff up front. Other than that, I don't think there will be much of a problem. Take care and good luck!!
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Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 10:43 pm
AgentPingoX69Oo It sounds to me that you're making it out to be a bigger problem than it is. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you two are really close considering you live together and are still on good terms! The worst the conversation will be is awkward. Be up front with her that you don't want her to judge you for still being in contact with him and let her know that the only reason she was one of the last people to know was because you were nervous it wouldn't go over well. Luckily it isn't one of those situations where she's good friends with him because that would add more risk that it really wouldn't go over well at all. If you need to, write down what you want to say so you don't get lost. You don't need a speech, just write down the topics you want to cover. You might not need it but it's a good idea to do that if you're too nervous. I'm sure it will go over fine. The only thing I can think of that is a risk is that she contacts him in some way and does something she might regret, or she'll get at you for still being in contact with him. You might want to say that you don't want her to do that stuff up front. Other than that, I don't think there will be much of a problem. Take care and good luck!! One big problem is the fact that she HATES lying, and I've already lied to her about this. I mean...I had a semi-valid reason to, but still, that's no excuse. I have yet to find an opportunity to talk to her about it. It seems like the time is never right because we/she always have other issues in life that need to be delt with or something like that. I'm still really nervous talking to her about it. Amber agrees that I need to, but neither of us can figure out the proper way to do it or what needs to be said. It's a really awkward situation...I don't want her looking down on me for it. I mean, she said she hated him from the minute she saw him and all this junk...and I'm not sure how to say what needs to be said. Yes, I'm probably blowing this out of proportion, but I don't know what else to do.
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Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2007 4:48 am
Just a couple of things....first if she is that close of a friend and i was in your shoes, i would tell her something like, "ive never been able to get the truth out about this but...raped me" and follow it up with the idea that you werent comfortable about what happened....secondly, he did this tramatic things to you, and i really am amazed at your compassion toward him...but seriously, if its that bad...you need to put his mental state in someone elses hands and move on...your tight your self to him when you really need to move on and worry about your own life more....with rape comes usually a sense of power loss...by sticking there for him..your still giving him control over youself....it may not seem that important but really it is...instead of sexually raping you hes emotionally, psychologically, and possibly mentally raping you to this day by you being concerned for his physical and mental well being. you need to have him live his life as well as you live your life...but without that connection to each other. Woman, please..pass the torch of his wellbeing to someone else and run with your own torch. you might find that holding on to him for him might be interfering with you telling your friend what happened!
i wish you the best of luck. god be with you
gay man michigan
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Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2007 8:18 pm
Thank you for that. It's pretty much the same thing my boyfriend told me last night...right before I started crying over everything. I realize that holding on to him is damaging to me...but for some reason I can't let him go. I don't feel like feeling guilty if he kills himself or something. There are other reasons...but they aren't that nice...and they're not exactly relavent to all of this. Anyways, while talking to my bf last night, I came to the realization that he was my first for almost everything, and that kills me. My bf says that that was only a physical first, not mental or emotional...but I know it happened. I can't deny that fact, even though I didn't want it. I think I'm going to tell her soon. There are things going on that if she knew this, she'd better understand them and understand why I do what I do.
Replies are still appreciated...but hopefully I'll get this one down soon.
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Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 2:12 pm
In the worst case senario follow your heart. No matter what anyone tells you follow that feeling inside of you...learn to trust it..it will not let you down. trust me if i would have followed my heart i would not be in the position i am now...which is not a good one. anyway..you have a good head on your shoulders and you just need to trust your self and your abilities. Godspeed be with ya!
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Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:16 am
wow. thats really.. strong of you. i think if i were in your position i'd have killed him. or taken his fertility.
i suggest you tell her straight up. say, crys, you're my best friend and i love you. for a while now i've been lieing because i was unsure of how or whether i should tell you, but i think its about time that you knew the truth. and i dont think i can handle it any more. i was raped by __ my ex boyfriend.
sorry i didnt tell you, you know what happens after that.
thats what i'd do.
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