Welcome to Gaia! ::

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Im not sure if I was supposed to post here to let you know what I thought about your story or not. So if I wasnt supposed to just yell at me and then I will delete my post, its that simple.

Anyways, I thought that your story was very good. There isnt much at all that I would change. I like how it brings you into the story right away and makes you want to read more (seriously! give me more). Maybe it is just me, im not sure, but I love these types of stories. This is the kind of thing that inspires me to continue to work on my own book and makes me wish for better literate RPs. These are the type of stories that people like myself look for day and night through LRP searches. If and when you finish your book you should know full well that people will read it and want more. Probably even make their own fanfics about it and you never know... you might find that your own story makes it to the LRP world on the internet some day.

When you get more written and wish to put it on here please let me know and I will be one of the first to read it. Good luck!

Wow, that was a really good story! And I agree with Michael_Amaliel - it makes me want to read more!

There really isn't much to improve on...I think it is nearly perfect! I like the way you worded the actions. And that last sentence was very entrancing!

It's good.

No really, it is. Much better than my pajama poem.