It's still in the roung stages, but I would love some lit crit on it. Personally, I don't like my writing after a while, so I would love to have others opinions on it... I would really like some crit on how to show time lapses, and the actual dialogue of the piece. Actually, I just want blunt crit on everything. I haven't touched this story for two years, so there are quite a bit of errors. This is the original piece, unedited. So basically, it's raw and I would like some harshness brought to it.lol.
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Twin Obsessions
The soft snow dropped from the light grey sky, falling gently to the ground below. A boy stood in the middle of the snow covered street, paying no heed to the cold or the falling snow. Everything around him was white, with some color showing through. He shrugged his shoulders and pulled his black sports coat closer around him. His straight black hair hung loosely around his face, random braids falling longer then the rest of his hair. He stared ahead with bluish-grey eyes, his mouth set in a frown. With a sigh, he picked up his back pack and began walking towards his high school. He turned around and saw his brother run up behind him. His brother looked at him with the same calm face, the same eyes and the same frown set mouth.
“Thanks for waiting, Zeke,” He said walking beside his brother. Zeke looked at his brother, his face expressionless. His brother looked exactly like him, due to the fact that they were twins. His brother though, wore a grey sports coat of the same make as him. His Hair was a bit shorter than Zeke’s own and gelled into a sort of Mohawk.
“Well Taye, if you hadn’t been so slow…” Zeke said with a shrug. Taye grinned slightly and put on some earphones, turning on the music as they walked to the school. Zeke looked over at Taye and sighed. He in turn turned on his music and the two walked to the school in silence.
Arriving at the school, Taye turned down his music and looked at Zeke, who reached into his pocket and pulled out two twenty dollar bills. He gave Taye one and put the other back in his pocket.
“I’ll see you in class. Are you going out for lunch?” Zeke asked his brother, Taye nodded and turned up his music a bit.
“Meet you here at 12:35” Taye said, waving to his brother and walking away. Zeke nodded and walked in the other direction.
Taye walked over to his locker, his music blaring in his ears. He opened the locker and nodded to some of his friends as they walked by. He shoved some books into his bag, locked the locker and followed his friends. He sat down next to then a few minutes later in the cafeteria and laid his head on the table, turning the music down as he did so.
“Another late night?” asked a boy across from him. Taye nodded his head and looked at the older boy. He had straight hair that he had died a dark blue. His eyes were also blue but were pale. He wore a black shirt and jeans. There were books spread out in front of him. He smiled at Taye.
“Did you finish the homework from last night?” The boy asked. A girl beside him punched him in the arm.
Obviously he did, you know Taye, Madden. He’s ahead in his classes.” The girl said. She had green eyes and light brown wavy hair. She pulled out a book and started reading. Her name was Nate, and she loved to read. Taye took of his earphones and shut his eyes. He drifted slowly to a semi-conscious state. Even though his eyes were closed, he could see everything that was happening around him. Some more of his friends were goofing off in the farthest corner of the cafeteria while some of the preps amused themselves in the front of the cafeteria. Madden and Nate continued to beat each other up. Taye smiled despite the noise and movement around him. He was used to it. At that exact moment, an ear piercing scream made his eyes shoot opened and jump to his feet. His head turned sharply towards the direction of the scream, but he made no movement to go to it. Nate and Madden instantly stopped their fighting and looked at Taye. Madden’s face frowned slightly, but Nate’s was utterly confused.
“What’s wrong Taye?” she asked sitting straight up. Madden stood up and smiled at Nate.
“Nothing’s wrong, I expect Taye forget something in his locker. Shall we go and get it Taye?” Madden said, pulling Taye towards the door. Once in the hallway, Taye fumbled to get his earphones in his ears.
“This is so dumb.” He mumbled. Madden walked in front of him calmly. He shoved his hands in his pockets and didn’t say anything. “I mean, now I have to have my music on all the time to avoid them.”
“Well, what do you think you can do?” Madden said with a shrug. “It doesn’t help anyone to complain.” Taye stopped and looked at Madden.
“You’re kidding right?” Taye asked. “I suffer and you say I complain? That’s fresh.” Madden smirked and shrugged again.
Taye and Zeke had a special talent for hear and seeing things no-one else saw. They could see the dead, spirits, angels, demons, all of it. They were two of the small group of people distinctly aware of the life beyond humankind’s sight and awareness. With this ability, Taye and Zeke had been able to avoid the trouble their dead parents had caused. Their parents had the same abilities as the twins and had used it to the full extent. They had helped the dead and in the process, gotten into trouble with the law. Eventually, there had come a battle between Heaven and Hell, Taye’s parents were never seen after that. Zeke, the older by five minutes, had taken care of his younger twin since then. They had been adopted at the age of 6, keeping their abilities secret. At different points in their lives, the two had helped the dead on their way, carefully staying away from the rest of the spiritual world. The two had met Madden when they were adopted and had been best friends with him since. Madden himself had the same abilities as the boys and considered himself their guardian, his being two years older than the 17 year old twins.
“Well, you only have,what, half the year left and then your on your way?” Madden said, taking Taye’s earphones and listening to his music. The young punk grabbed at his earphones.
“ I have one year left and the basketball season and then I’m done.” He said impatiently. Madden smiled and ruffled Taye’s black Mohawk. Taye frowned but smiled after a moment. He fixed his hair and watched as some freshmen walked past the seniors. He looked out the window and groaned. Madden followed his gaze, sharply turning Taye in the opposite direction.
“ They are getting really close..” Madden said, not finishing his sentence as he looked backing the direction of the window. Standing there, Was a handsome male, his light brown hair flowing in the gently breeze. He wore black clothes that were fashionably tattered, and blood red gloves that reached up to his elbows. Anyone who could have seen him would have thought he was a normal person, but then again, they couldn’t see him and they most definitely could not see his white wings on his back.
“ Madden, there was a spirit the other day that said there was some trouble up there.” Taye said pointing to the ceiling.” Said that there were some rogue angels, not appreciating what the higher ups had to say ‘bout things down here and everywhere else.” Madden stopped and looked at Taye.
“You sure?” Madden asked. “The spirit was telling the truth?” Taye nodded his head. Madden frowned slightly. Taye shrugged.
“Well, I can go see if it’s true. An angel being in the window and all.” Taye said, walking in the direction of the window. Madden sighed and followed Taye. Once they were at the window, They stood there and pretended as if they were talking about something that had happened during the weekend. The angel stood there, unmoving. Taye reached up and tapped on the window. The angel’s eyes snapped toward Taye’s, whose were deadly calm. Madden stood behind him, his pale blue eyes, showing no fear. The angels eyes were a gentle green. Taye jerked his thumb at a tree near the window and walked toward the door. After a moment, Madden followed Taye, smirking as he did so.
Madden muttered to Taye the two walked out of the school. Taye laughed and nodded his head, pulling his sweater on. They walked to the tree and waited for the angel, who stood at the window still. He looked over at the two and slowly glided over to them. He stopped and looked at the two in utter confusion.
“What are you doing here?” Taye asked. The Angel looked at Taye and then to Madden.
“How is it you are able to see me?” The angel asked, his soft voice playing in the wind. “You shouldn’t able to see me.” Taye looked at the angel. Madden shrugged and then stared hard at the angel.
“I do believe you were asked a question first.” He said coldly. The angel looked at Madden calmly.
“I have no reason for coming down here.” The angel said. “You have no reason to fear me; I’m not one of those power hungry fools in [Rade].” Taye looked at Madden and mouthed the word ‘[Rade]’ in the form of a question. The angel saw their confusion and smiled slightly. “What you would call Heaven, in its entire splendor is just as it is down here on Earth. Split into the rich and the poor, or in this case, the weak from the strong”
Taye nodded in understanding.
“Who are you?” Madden asked eyeing the angel, who smiled rebelliously.
“My name is Grove.” The angel replied. At that moment, Zeke came walking outside. He looked over at his brother, Madden and Grove. He nodded to Taye and walked over. Grove watched this event with wide eyes.
“Ah, twins.” Grove said nodding as Zeke stood beside his brother.
“This reason you called?” Zeke asked, leaning towards Taye, who nodded slightly… Zeke looked at Grove and frowned slightly.
“I’ve seen you before…” Zeke said. Grove didn’t reply but did look over to Zeke. He smiled and unfurled his wings.
“I heard from someone that there are some problems up there.” Taye said. “What’s going on and will affect us poor souls down here?” Grove looked at the three in turn before nodding sadly.
“Unfortunately, some of the High Angels don’t like how things are being run. The Lord himself can do nothing but watch on the side. His word has no meaning anymore. It is now up to us High Angels who oppose the others to try and right things. Some Daemuns and demons have sided with us and are prepared to fight the High Angels and their allies.”
“Daemuns?” Zeke asked, “And those would be?”
“Spirits of angels that still have the ability to control their powers. I guess you would be in the right to call them ghosts." Grove replied. Zeke and Taye shared a quick glance and a look to Madden.
Madden turned and gave Grovw a quick once over and narrowed his eyes slightly.
" How do we know that you aren't lying to us?" He asked slowly, in a guarded tone. " After all, we are only... human. What's to stop you from toying with us for your own amusement?" Grove shook his head. The wind picked up slightly, blowing some freshly fallen snow onto the teenagers' boots. Grove hardly even notice the change.
" Yes, I suppose it would be easy to deceive you. But then, what would I gain from it?" None of the young men said anything as Grove unfurled his wings again, almost as if stretching them. " Absolutely nothing. Besides, with standing here talking to me, that's a sign of strength when it comes to your sight. Not very many can see everything in the [Spirit World]." Grove looked up to the sky and sighed. " In any case, whether you believe me or not, I need to return home." He looked back at the small group and smiled." I'm certain I will see you three again. Perhaps soon."
With a powerful fall of his wings, Grove lifted himself into the air. A second later, he was gone.
