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 Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 1:59 am
The information in the sticky mainly applies to romantic relationships, but it can also apply to friendships or relationships with family members as well.
~
Table of Contents:
- Post 1: Introduction <--- You are here
- Post 2: Healthy Relationships: Building Foundations of Caring and Respect [pamphlet]
- Post 3: What if My Relationship Isn't Healthy? [pamphlet]
- Post 4: Abusive Relationships [internet]
- Post 5: Healthy Relationships for Lesbians [pamphlet]
- Post 6: Other Resources [internet]
- Post 7: Reserved
- Post 8: Reserved
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Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 2:00 am
Healthy Relationships: Building Foundations of Caring and Respect [pamphlet]
A Healthy Relationship? Where Do I Find One of Those?
Often when you read about relationships in a pamphlet, the main focus is on sexual relationships or about violent or distructive relationships. And, although we encourage those who choose to be sexually active to do so in a safe and mutual fashion, and although we support any effort to educate and try to prevent sexual assault or dating violence, we though maybe we'd go back to the beginning and look at the big picture in relationships.
What Are the Building Blocks to What Could Be Considered A Healthy Relationship?
We know they exist. Most of us can think of at least one person who seems to be in a great relationship; one built on mutual respect and care for each other. Unfortunately, it seems the opposite is true as well. Most of us can think of at least one person who is in a relationship that seems to be built on guilt, defensiveness, or where one person is in much more control or power than the other.
So, what's the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one? How do we make sure we get what we deserve in terms of both our friendships and romantic relationships?
Before we go any further, we have to agree on three basic premises which hold the key to relationships.
Three Premises About Healthy Relationships
1) Healthy relationships are no accident.
There are elements such as honesty, respect, trust, and communication that form the foundation. You have to actively want these building blocks and you can evaluate your relationship by looking for these key ingredients.
2) Healthy relationships are worth achieving, even if it means taking time and effort on your part.
You must believe the result of the relationship is worth the effort. A good relationship is worth searching and waiting for. It takes both partners working together to make the relationship a healthy one.
3) You are worth all the ingredients that make up a healthy relationship.
You need to believe that you deserve respect and honesty, trust and positive communication, and that you will not "settle" for a relationship that does not have these ingredients.
The Ingredients Of a Healthy Relationship
We can define four building blocks for intimacy that any relationship (be it a friendship, a close family member, or a romantic relationship) needs in order for it to be healthy. These four ingredients are respect, honesty, trust, and communication. All four are inter-woven and dependent on each other for success. For example, you cannot offer someone respect and at the same time be dishonest with them.
Respect
When two people are in a relationship, there is a mutual respect for each person as an individual, and the joy of what is created between the two of them when they come together. A healthy partnership means learning about the other person and valuing what is important to them. A person who respects a partner listens to what they have to say. If they disagree with each other, they try to understand the other's point of view. Respect reflects the value, validation, and the worth of another person.
No one should "lose" a part of themselves in a relationship, whether that means goals or dreams, other friendships, beliefs or values, or the right to make decisions. When respect is lacking from a relationship, an "imbalance of power" follows, meaning that one person seems to decide for both people what is important, what is acceptable, and what is best for "them."
Respect in a sexual relationship asks for each partner to feel valued enough to talk openly about both their desires and fears on a sexual level. Each partner should have a respect for their own body, and should feel comfortable choosing whether or not to be sexually active, and if so, at what pace and level.
Honesty
Most people would agree that honesty is crucial to a relationship. At the same time, true honesty about our thoughts, our feelings, about what we want to happen in the relationship, is a challenge to accomplish. There might be a number of reasons for this: we don't trust the other person enough to tell them the truth; we don't trust ourselves to be honest, because maybe we're afraid of the "real me" isn't likeable; or maybe we just don't have a lot of practice with honesty. People who are deceitful and manipulative are often incapable of creating strong relationships. Day to day we live in a "How are you? I'm fine" type of world, because for many people staying on the surface is faster and easier.
In an intimate relationship, it is the "real me" that the partner wants to get to know. It is not just the honesty of our words, but the "authenticity" of saying to our partner, "These are my thoughts, these are my feelings, I am not hiding myself from you."
Certainly in any type of relationship, especially a sexual one, honesty is very important, and for some people, very scary. They hide in a number of ways, from trying to portray themselves as someone they are not, to not listening to their own thoughts or the other person's. A person may feel they are not ready to be sexually active with their partner, but fear honest because they don't trust the relationship. This brings us to our next building block.
Trust
One of the greatest things two people can say to each other is "I trust you." It means that they feel they can count on each other, and that the other person will "be there" for them. Trust doesn't come easy, and for most people, needs to be earned over time and in a number of experiences.
There is nothing worse than a broken promise to take away trust. Once trust is broken, many people have trouble "believing" again. You see this in people who have been "burned" in relationships, they are a little more cautious the next time. Some people come from families with a history of broken promises because of abuse or alcoholism, have a hard time with relationships because their trust was shattered time and time again. These people need to be gentle with themselves and go slow.
In a sexually active relationship, trust is also the barometer by which we measure the level of confidence we have in the relationship. Do we know the other person, and who they are? Can we count on their promises? Do we have the ability to trust what they say about other relationships, about whether or not they have any transmittable diseases, about their sincerity when they tell us their feelings? Trust takes time to build and it is based on a number of experiences. Promises should not be taken lightly.
Communication
Communication is critical to the other three ingredients mentioned. It is how we show our honesty, our respect, our trust. Listening to others and really "hearing them" so we respond and follow through on what they are requesting is a sign of a strong relationship. The willingness to listen, and the commitment to listen, is not always easy, but it is what people who care for each other do. Many times when a relationship is strugging, you will hear one partner say "I just don't feel my partner is listening to me. I just don't feel understood."
As valuable as listening is, communication also requires each person to take the responsibility to communicate their own thoughts, wishes, requests, and needs. Often we leave clues as to what we want, and are disappointed when our partner doesn't figure them out. It is easier to have open lines of communication and vocalize these things, trusting the relationship enough and ourselves to ask for what we believe we deserve.
In a relationship that may be sexual, communication cannot be compromised. Partners need to be able to talk about whether or not they are comfortable with the level of sexual activity they are considering, before the fact. Sexual decision-marking is like any other decision making between two people: you need to discuss the issue before making a decision. Partners also need to communicate the elements of honesty, trust, and respect that make the relationship an intimate one regardless of the level of sexual activity.
A Willingness to Grow and Change
None of the elements listed as building blocks for a healthy relationship happen immediately. They form as the trust between two people grow so that they are willing to communicate honestly about things they find important, as they learn about each other and respect the differences between them.
Strong relationships have a great impact upon us as individuals. Most people are affected, usually in a positive way, when they open up to the relationship. In order to do this, however, each person has to be open and willing to grow and change.
To say "This is who I am, and you knew who I was when you met me," is really saying "I don't plan on learning anything from you, or changing at all, no matter what you may ask of me or what I might discover about myself." As people, we are constantly evolving. In a healthy relationship, we have both the motivation and support of our partner to work on aspects of our life that we want to improve.
Healthy Relationships Take Time
Here is something we know, we really do, but we seem to forget over and over again. Friends and relationships do not just happen instantly. It is not a case of "just add water", or as sometimes happens, "just add alcohol." It takes some time for people to get to know each other, to share experiences, to find out what they have in common, gain respect and trust, to fall in love. Even though we know that, sometimes we expect it to happen in a week, or even less likely, in a night.
This doesn't mean you can't be attracted to someone immediately. But, just because you are attracted doesn't mean you need to act on this attraction immediately. Usually, when we feel drawn to another person, what we want and imagine is a relationship; a person who we can grow close to, spend time with; who will be there for us as a big part of our life; a relationship that may or may not turn into one that is romantic. What happens sometimes when we start with sexual activity, is that the rest of what we wanted and imagined gets discarded. Without the rest of the building blocks of a healthy relationship in place, the next day lacks the trust, the honesty, the respect, and usually there is no communication at all.
Alcohol Condenses Time
One of the negative aspects of mixing alcohol with relationships is that it usually "condenses" time. Thing that usually take weeks can happen in hours. Because inhibitions are lowered, people often feel courageous enough to flirt or to let someone know they are attracted to them. Because that attraction tends to stand out amongst your feelings, someone who has had a lot to drink might "go farther" than they normally would in terms of acting on that attraction, such as kissing, or going upstairs with someone.
Unfortunately, what sometimes also happens when people have had too much to drink is that there is no communication, no honesty, no trust, and no respect. Someone who gets to the point where they perhaps want to stop the sexual activity may not be able to communicate that desire to the other person - either they are too drunk to say it, or they believe they have "lost their chance" to stop things. On the other side of the equation, someone who has had too much to drink doesn't necessarily listen to the communication of the person saying "please stop" or is so focused on the sexual activity that they don't respect the other person enough to honor their request. The result is pain and trauma for both parties. It may even mean sexual assault. Even if a crime wasn't committed, neither person got what they wanted - the beginning of a healthy relationship.
You Are Worthy of a Healthy Relationship
The last of our three elements is perhaps the hardest to understand and believe. We, as individuals, must believe that we are valuable enough to be offered these ingredients of a healthy relationship, that we are worthy of respect, that we are deserving of love.
People who do not feel worthy, who do not possess the esteem to ask for what should be basic needs of intimacy, often end up in unhealthy relationships. There is dishonesty and manipulation, there is an imbalance of power in terms of "who gets what they want," and there is very little respect. In fact, often one person is belittled and demeaned, adding to the feelings of not deserving a "good relationship."
Sometimes a person who feels this way believes that "this is as good as it gets," and that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. They take the negative treatment, even sometimes to the point of violence.
If you are not getting what you need out of a relationship, ask your friend or family member to try to work on whatever issues you feel are obstacles. Your partner should be willing, if for no other reason than you asked, because that's what people who care about each other do. Expect it to take some time and effort. It might be a good idea to get a third party like a campus counsellor involved. Expect it to change.
If things do not change in time, you need to look elsewhere in order to get what you deserve in a relationship. Because you are worth it. Because healthy relationships exist, and you deserve to find them.
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Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 12:23 am
What If My Relationship Isn't Healthy? [pamphlet]
If things aren't going very smoothly, first thing is to try and talk to your partner about your concerns and your problems. Remember communication is important, so you should be able to talk to your partner - if you can't, there might be a problem.
This should be enough in most cases. But if it's not, another option is to look into couple's counselling, or counselling for both people involved, but seeing different counsellors/therapists. Sometimes having a third party involved from an outsider's perspective can help.
If you've both talked things over and things haven't changed for a long time, or things are getting worse between you two, the best idea might be to see other people. As much as it hurts, sometimes the best thing both people in the relationship can do is let go.
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Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 12:39 am
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Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 12:40 am
Healthy Relationships For Lesbians [pamphlet] Women who identify as lesbian, bisexual, Two-Spirit, and/or queer, face unique challenges in creating and sustaining healthy, satisfying intimate relationships for many reasons. - Stereotypes about woman as gentle and caring can lead to conflict going underground in some lesbian relationships and make it difficult to talk about. - Homophobia and heterosexism create stress for lesbian relationships. This can be especially true for partners who are not out or are out to different degrees. - Lesbian couples often do not receive support from their families and society at large. - Without many role models, some lesbian couples struggle to find relationshi models that reflect their experiences and identities. - Some women may enter their first lesbian relationship in isolation from a larger lesbian/queer community. - Some women may enter lesbian relationships quickly and intensly without taking the time to get to know one another. This can happen for many reasons: pressure to be in a relationship and not alone; need to validate their lesbian identity; and having few road maps for dating. - Women in cross-cultural/racial lesbian relationships may have to deal with racism, as well as different family and community expectations and traditions. Despite these challenges, lesbians and bisexual women bring many strengths to their relationships. Some of these may include resilience, openness, a caring nature, playfulness and humour, sense of community, etc. Many lesbians also work to develop equal relationships where roles are more likely to be about who likes to do what, or who is good at certain things. Tips For Healthy RelationshipsLesbian relationships take many forms - monogamous, open relationships, dating, long-term, marriage, etc - and they each have their good points as well as challenges. No one said having a healthy relationship is easy work, and it is sometimes hard to break old patterns. Here are some tips that may be helpful: - Know yourself: Check in with yourself about your reasons for dating or being in a relationship. Are you reacting to being lonely or feeling judged for being single? Make time to do those things that help you feel good about yourself. Being true to yourself and sharing who you are will have a positive effect on all your relationships. - Communicate clearly and responsibly: It's important for each partner in a relationship to take responsibility for her own feelings, and to communicate these to each other. When talking with your partner, try to be clear and direct. Know what you want and need and ask for it. She cannot know what you need unless you tell her. You may also need to find other ways to meet your own needs. - Clarify expectations/Negotiate solution: Finding ways of dealing with conflicts and differences is not about one person doing all of the changing. It is about negotiating, finding common ground, and looking for ways to accomodate each other without giving up yourself. - Nurture all your relationships: Don't isolate yourself in your relationship. Stay connected with your friends and family. Spend time with other people in your life without your partner. in a healthy relationship, there should be enough trust that you don't feel threatened by each other's friendships. - Accept your partner for herself. Resist the urge to change your partner. Respect her for who she is and now who you want her to be. This does not mean putting up with behaviours that are hurtful, such as yelling at you, criticizing you, and hitting. - Expect and give respect: A healthy relationship is one in which there is mutual respect. This means respecting your differences as well as your similarities. Even when you have conflicts, it is important to treat your partner and yourself with respect. Respect cannot exist where one person controls, harms, intimiates or manipulates the other. If you cannot respect your partner or she cannot respect you, ask yourself if this is the right relationship for you. Resolving ConflictsAlll our relationships at some point have conflicts and disagreements. It is how we deal with these conflicts that can affect the health and strength of our relationships. When disagreements come up, talk about them openly with your partner. You don't need to agree with your partner to accept and respect her point of view. Talking and listening with respect is a good place to start. Some tips for dealing with conflicts: - Try to bring up things that bother you sooner than later - so that anger and resentments don't build. Deal with one issue at a time. - Be aware of your actions and body language. Behaviours such as threats, sarcasm, name calling, eye rolling, swearing and yelling can cause your partner to become defensive or to withdraw. - While it is important to be clear about what you want and need, try to listen to what she is saying without getting defensive. - Be open to compromise. Make decisions togetehr without pressuring each other. - If either of you becomes too upset, take a time-out for a specified time and agree to continue talking once you've calmed down. - If you are getting nowehere and can't resolve the conflict, get some outside help from a family member, friend, counsellor, workshop or book. ResourcesFor information and/or support, contact the following resources: The Centre (LGTB community centre)Information, referrals and support 1170 Bute St., Vancouver, BC Daytime: 604-684-5307 Evenings: 604-684-6869 or 1-800-566-1170 www.lgtbcentrevancouver.com Safe Choices, BC Association of Specialized Victim Assistance and Counselling ProgramsEducation re: abuse in same-gender relationships and healthy relationships workshops for lesbian and bisexual women Vancouver, BC 604-633-2506 North West Network of B, Trans, Lesbian and Gay survivors of AbuseSeattle, WA http://www.nwnetwork.orgLearning How to Communicate Effectively With Your Partner(David Kelly Services) www.fsatoronto.com/programs ~ The information in this post belongs to The Centre in Vancouver, BC, and the BC Association of Specialized Victim Assistance and Counselling Program. I do not claim to own any of this information, nor am I trying to profit from it.
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Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2010 6:59 pm
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Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2010 7:03 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 9:27 am
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Reply
