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(Okay so I just post a sample - that I'm going to do my very best for - and people judge it? Okay than here we go!)

A fluffy white blanket covered the ground, whipping around like a dust bowl of ice, lashing the porcelain face of the female. Her vivid red eyes were squinted from the harsh wind and its icy snow batting her in the face. Her slender right hand was guarding her delicate eyes.

Traveling in this was becoming impossible, even if the snow was like dust it was also up to her knees and she was not short, standing at 6'1 she was taller than most human males. Her poor elven ears were cast down and tinted blue from the harsh cold. Who could live in this weather was beyond her, yet she'd just past a village not five miles back, surely it wasn't this bad back there?

Unfortunately she didn't know how close the next village was or if she could make it back to the previous village. Even if she is a demon, this weather is ridiculous, standing in it for a few hours, hell even a day or two, she could do... but not this, its been over a week! Why, oh why, didn't she move faster, but nooo she had to stop and smell the ********' daisies!

So here Seyerna is, caught in the middle of this horrid blizzard and the snow is only getting deeper by the hour. Even she, whom was a demon, I repeat, and covered in countless layers of furs and leathers, was still cold. However, her layers were getting heavier as the snow stuck to them and her body heat melted the snow and resulted in wet clothes which could very well send her into hypothermia.

Her lips were turning a sick shade of blue, and her already pale skin looked white. If not for her ink black hair and her vibrant red eyes she'd be lost in the snow and be nothing but a bundle of furs and leathers!

She couldn't feel her ears and she was sure she'd be cutting the tips of them off soon from frostbite. Her right hand alternated from being hidden beneath the layers of makeshift clothes to wiping a layer of iced snow from her face, while her left remained nuzzled into the warmth within the clothes.

Her steps were getting slower, but she wouldn't stop, she wouldn't even think of looking for shelter. She'd sworn to herself her ego would be the death of her one day. Not from another person, not from natural disasters... no, from her own damn ego, because she was to damn egotistical to stop and find a place to get warm. Instead she kept treading along in this weather that no living being was meant to wonder through and come out alive.

Her hair felt like a dead weight now, it was soaked and not even the fierce winds could lift the thick mane of hair and ice any more. Her knees were giving out, not from the weight but from being frozen. She kept forcing her feet to move though, until finally her left leg buckled under the pressure and she went crashing into the snow in a large puff of white powder. Her eyes fell shut and as the plain blurs to pure white, her world went to pitch black...

(I guess some people don't like long posts and actually think that can make you a bad roleplayer, but I don't agree with that theory at all, the more description the better! And if you post three pages, by god, happy day! I love long posts! and I love when other people post long posts!)

I would encourage people to be as critical as possible without being mean, that way we can help people improve-- just please, no one get insulted! wink

It's a good idea, a bit like a thread that we have had before. It kinda goes in the Improvement subforum though. Do you mind if I move it there?



Most of my corrections have to do with punctuation. Get that down right first, and then it will be easier to work on other stuff if you want to. Here are two websites that might help:

http://lilt.ilstu.edu/golson/punctuation/
http://www.uottawa.ca/academic/arts/writcent/hypergrammar/punct.html

Read "The Portrait of a Lady". I am pretty sure that Henry James uses the same technique that you are talking about. It is a victorian-era novel and therefore pretty heavy duty. You might like it. If not... you can see the technique if I remember right.

I would think that this would be more confusing in RPs, but maybe not.

It might be called "Narrating". Usually the narrator is also a character but he or she does not have to be. I would call it a "silent narrator" when you use only 3rd person, because of course there is still a narrator-- you-- but you just never mention yourself.

This man has a future

LOL I felt the same about the scarlet letter.
If you are refering to the RP post above yours, though... I liked that. 3nodding I don't think that you actually are but that right there is a good example of a post that some people would think was too detailed. I think sometimes you have to look at the feel of the RP as a whole and we don't have that option here because there is no context. For instance [Teh_Smexeh_Bunneh] would not want to bother posting that in a thread that had one-liners in it.

Concise is not quite the right word for it I don't think. wink I know how you feel though, because sometimes I feel like I've shortened what I want to say as much as I can without sacrificing too much detail. Yet the teacher says it's too long. lol But for RPs I think that I adapt almost without thinking to how long the other person's posts are and how much detail is really needed to get across my ideas. Here is an example of a longer post from the guild RP. Comments are appreciated because I don't usually have to talk about fighting in my posts.

The only thing about his post is that I would be afraid that he might have a character that is too powerful... however it is impossible to tell from this sample.

I'm probably just cynical because I have met people before who could put paper to pen so to speak, but when it came to deciding what their character could/couldn't do, they weren't so hot at that. They could describe such unrealistic actions beautifully, though. xd That is something that may actually be harder to fix than punctuation, brevity, or lack of pizzaz. That has to do with the nuances of the RP that you are in and picking up on those. On the other hand at least you can tell that the player is smart, even if lacking somewhat in common sense. Of course, it IS possible to have both, I'm just saying what as a GM I'd be looking out for after seeing that post.