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 Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 11:50 am
Four Seasons
A wind blows softly through the trees
Carrying with it Spring's floral scent
The birds sing as sun does rise
Telling stories of migration's trip
Clouds roll slowly over the seas
Looking for treasure the bottom sent
Waves hit shore creating Summer's sighs
Watching as over the surface dolphins flip
Colored leaves dance on Autumn's breeze
Performing one last time as to ground went
Frost in the morning on fields lies
Causing the earth to bend and dip
Pond's water mirror like it does freeze
Creating a skating haven for time to be spent
Winter's soft white blanket falls from the skies
Encouraging people hot apple cider to sip
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Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2007 3:38 am
This is a fascinating piece, but I feel two things:
1. the rhyme scheme is really the only thing that unifies it.
2. the rhyme scheme is a little forced.
I would revise this in such a way that the words of each stanza, not the rhymes, inter-reference each other. For example, you can create a central character or image to the poem, like a bird or a tree. Also, if you make the stanzas a little longer, you could do something really artistic with the rhyme scheme by, say, changing it every season. I.e., AA/BB/CC/etc. for summer, ABC/ABC/DEF/DEF for winter, ABABAB for fall and ABCCBA for spring? That would make this poem truly a refined work of art as opposed to what you have now, which is raw talent, if I may phrase it that way.
I've been a bit harsh, but I think you're ready for the next level of critique here.
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Posted: Wed Feb 07, 2007 7:15 am
Thank you for your suggestions. I enjoy hearing how others feel I can better my writing skills. This poem probably does feel a bit forced because it was an experiment in rhyme scheme. I will try to follow your suggestions in the future. Thank you so much for your input which I did not find harsh at all.
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