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 Posted: Tue Jan 30, 2007 10:06 pm
Afraid to walk alone
I’m afraid to walk alone
The paths of life with the unknown
You were always there
To quash my fears
You would whisper in my ear
Look without your eyes
But use your heart it’s not an art
So I would look
And see instead of darkness beyond you and me
Sunlight and golden fields
Trees and grass
But now you’re left me quite alone
When you were tested
To see which it would be
Her or me I asked
You looked between us
And stared at me
While I glared back at you
You choose her
And not me
With you I was wild and free
But now without your gentle wing
I’m caged and scared
To face my fears
My throat is choked with tears
So now I sit and hug my legs
In the dark I will stay
For with out my heart
You so kindly stole
I can’t take a step for my soul
Is empty and crying tears
No more fields of gold
No more trees or grass
Only black
No sunlight can penetrate this darkness
And none shall await me here or there
For no one anywhere
Cared for my like you did
So I sit in my darkness
Crying
Because the path of life
Have cliffs and peaks
I could stumbled and fall right off
I’m so afraid to be alone
No soft tone in my ear
There’s no one near
When my shoulders begin to shake
Or when the path begins to quake
It was all a fake
To take my heart and my soul
And steal it away with you
I’ve never yet met your match
So still I sit on this rocky ground
Because the path of life is hard for me
To hard to do alone
So I sit and wait for it o pass me by
Until I have gone and died
just please tell me if you liked it or didn't like it adn why. or comments and critisim is ok
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Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 8:21 am
Afraid to walk alone
I’m afraid to walk alone
The paths of life with the unknown
You were always there
To quash my fears
You would whisper in my ear
Look without your eyes
But use your heart it’s not an art
So I would look
And see instead of darkness beyond you and me
Sunlight and golden fields
Trees and grass
But now you’re left me quite alone
When you were tested
To see which it would be
Her or me I asked
You looked between us
And stared at me
While I glared back at you
You choose her
And not me
With you I was wild and free
But now without your gentle wing
I’m caged and scared
To face my fears
My throat is choked with tears
So now I sit and hug my legs
In the dark I will stay
For with out my heart
You so kindly stole
I can’t take a step for my soul
Is empty and crying tears
No more fields of gold
No more trees or grass
Only black
No sunlight can penetrate this darkness
And none shall await me here or there
For no one anywhere
Cared for my like you did
So I sit in my darkness
Crying
Because the path of life
Have cliffs and peaks
I could stumbled and fall right off
I’m so afraid to be alone
No soft tone in my ear
There’s no one near
When my shoulders begin to shake
Or when the path begins to quake
It was all a fake
To take my heart and my soul
And steal it away with you
I’ve never yet met your match
So still I sit on this rocky ground
Because the path of life is hard for me
To hard to do alone
So I sit and wait for it to pass me by
Until I have gone and died
I have bolded things that I don't think seem right. I hope you don't mind. I will tell you why i think they don't work or how you could fix them, if you want.
The poem is sad and kind of depressing, but the imagery is great. ^^ I suck at writing poetry, but I can tell you have a flair for it. Kinda reminds me of song lyrics.
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Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 10:09 pm
thanks you're being nice, i don't mind chaging it to get better
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Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 2:41 pm
To squash my fears <---(Squash not Quash, simple spelling error ^^)
But use your heart it’s not an art <---(Can you change this line to something else ? Like: It's not that hard)
Sunlight and golden fields
Trees and grass <--- (Seems like too much detail, can you cut it out ?)
To see which it would be
Her or me I asked <---(I think it hurts the rhythm)
You looked between us
You choose her
And not me <--(Stating a obvious fact, don't you think ?)
With you I was wild and free
For with out my heart
You so kindly stole <--- (Replace with something like: That you stole)
I can’t take a step for my soul
There are some ideas...if you want to use them go ahead, if you don't, then don't. ^^ I hope you don't mind me critiquing it.
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Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 1:50 pm
no it really helps me get better, hope i don't disappoint though well thankies
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Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 6:27 pm
No problem. I keep on asking because I hate when people edit my stuff, even though I ask them to. ^^
Man, I should try writing poetry. Continue the good work Lyra. ^^
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Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 10:57 am
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Posted: Sat Feb 10, 2007 1:41 pm
hahaha, guess I should. I'll post a poem here....edventuly... XD
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Posted: Sat Feb 10, 2007 9:39 pm
yay i'll be waiting!!1 blaugh heart biggrin
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