For those who know him theres no explaining him, but to those who don't, he a comedian who talks in a monotone voice, so when you read them, think of someone saying them in a monotone voice...
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So, what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? (My personal Favorite)
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
