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 Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 6:18 pm
So, I've been busy lately. Though things for me are sort of rocky. I have a low self-esteem if you all don't know. I have a problem looking in the mirror and going, "I like myself." I'm having a lot of problems having fears of my future. Like what do I want to go to college for? Will I lose all my best friends once high school is done? Will I ever get married? Or even have my first kiss?
I'm having boy problems. haha..Yes, I am. No matter what happens (which is negative things.) I always think it's my weight or how I look. ALWAYS! No matter what happens. People tell me the right guy will come along. Well, I'm scared of how long I have to wait. For once I'm in college..I don't think I'll have time..With work, college, and not having may friends for they are all moving away to other states. People say I am rushing..well, I guess that's how I am. I want to be married and have my first child at like..26. Though I don't see it happening. I'm just scared I guess.
It comes so easy to my friends to get a boyfriend. Like some of them get a new one each week..which I don't want. Others have had their boyfriends for like years. I think it's because of how I look I don't have one. Sometimes I really hate being me. I try to lose weight, but I just gain more in the work of it. So, I don't know what to do..When will it be my turn? I'm sick of waiting..I'm sick of failing. It stresses me out..
"No one will love you, till you love yourself." Someone told me that. Well, for me..it will not work. I have gone through my life with shitty family members, shitty friendships..so I don't know how to love. Yes, I don't know how to love. Love is hard..and how can I love myself..when I don't know how? I need someone to show me. So sorry..but that saying is complete bullshit..unless you have loved someone before. Well, I'm done with my rant.
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 9:59 pm
I'm probably going to come out sounding mean here, but honestly it's not my intent... (actually, I want to be a couples therapist because I see so many people in relationships for the wrong reasons and I want to fix that) I'm just going to offer you my completely honest advice/opinion... and I personally think I'm right (for the most part) as my track record in these matters with others and myself seems to be spot-on...but I can't force you to take advice.
Honestly, you are very pretty! I don't have a photo of you right next to me so I can point out your good features, but I think you have a very pretty face and in the full-body photo I've seen of you you didn't look all that fat to me, not to take away any feelings you may have of being fat and how it's affected you... but there is no reason your weight would get in the way of you having a boyfriend, other than you let it.
You know what? I didn't have my first boyfriend 'til I was 18, I'm only 20 now. I've only ever kissed two people and I've only ever slept with one. I got my first boyfriend in college, and I was always busy with work and school... so don't worry about it. All my life I've convinced myself that nobody would find me attractive because I didn't find myself attractive, but I also had enough confidence to know that I didn't need another person to complete me... Looking back I see realize all these guys I knew probably liked me, but because I couldn't see that anybody might like me I ruined any chances with them.
Later I realized, "Well, maybe I'm not so bad." and it's been a fight to come to where I am, realizing I am one sexy person and anybody that doesn't like me has no real taste. You are not the only one with low self-esteem, you won't be the only one ever to have it... you can choose to listen to people's advice or continue to allow yourself to continue the cycle of self-lothing and self-pity and never get anything you want. You are not your friends, don't compare yourself to them, their life is not your life. My friends had guys all over her, and it was when I stopped living in her shadow that I realized there are tons of guys wanting to be all over me.
And here's where I'm probably really going to start sounding mean, and so I'm apologizing before hand if I hurt your feelings, but I believe in tough love. The saying "No one will love you 'til you love yourself" IS true. Why the hell would any guy want to like you if you don't like yourself? I'm sorry, that isn't attractive, I don't want to be dealing with somebody whose whiney and self-pitying... and that's how people that don't love themselves are. It's nobody's job to fix you, it's your own job. You don't want to let it work, that's the thing. You don't want to take the time to love yourself because you're not used to it. You probably really don't want to try because what if you actually liked yourself and saw the good in yourself and yet still nobody liked you? Then you really must be terrible. If you hate yourself more than anybody else, it's a form of self-protection. I've thought that all before, even if you don't realize it I don't doubt that it would play a part in your choice to not love yourself. Nobody, not even the most beautiful woman in the world, is 100% happy with herself, but she doesn't wallow in self-pity and say it's because of one thing that she can't get a date... The women who people find attractive are the ones that go out there and have this "I don't need anybody to complete me, I'm my own person... I'm hot and you know it." attitude. Even when they're feeling like they look like complete crap, they still force the attitude because it's confidence that is sexy... the only people you're going to attract thinking the way you do are for the most part going to be creepy guys that prey on girls with low-selfesteem. Do you want that? I sure as hell wouldn't. You're finding the wrong part of yourself to blame.
I've been in the same place as you, believe it or not. It's not so fantastic having your uncle lecture you that you don't need the extra calories in a Pepsi One, and then pulling you aside to pray with you that God will help you be thin and beautiful... I couldn't understand why nobody in my family could accept me at my weight. Maybe your family's heart wasn't in the right place like mine's was, but telling somebody "You'd be so pretty if you just lost weight... don't you ever want to have a boyfriend?" didn't really make me feel like sex-incarnate. I've had shitty friends, I had no friends for years and then I got amazing ones, I was blessed. I thought I couldn't love, but it's not something you learn... it's something born in us. The human heart has a limitless ability to love... And if you don't know how to love yourself, not only are you not ready to love anybody else but you definately aren't ready to be in a relationship. Everything you've said has screamed to me that you aren't.... You want a relationship to make you complete, that isn't how relationships work. Relationships are about two emotionally complete people balancing each other out on the minor issues they have, you can't expect anybody to take on a battle for you, especially if you don't like yourself. Relationships are about trust, hard work and two people who love each other, but that's just it... it's about TWO people.
You are in control of your life, no one else. You are in control of yourself, no one else. If you want to succeed, you will... and I know it can be scary, I gave in to that fear for a time but I'm fighting my hardest against it now. I've got an awesome relationship, ten times better than all my tiny, cute friends who can get any boy they want but can't seem to find the right one. I still have my battles, I'm not perfect... but I'm not letting self-loathing keep me down, and you shouldn't either.
If you honestly want to find a relationship, especially a fulfilling one... I reccomend you read Falling In Love For All the Right Reasons by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, the guy that founded Eharmony.com... it's directed at people looking for somebody to marry, but I find most of his principles are spot-on, and you can take a lot of it to heart even when just trying to find any relationship. Not only was I skeptical about Eharmony.com at first (and his book convinced me it's the real thing), but I believe in this book so much I would reccomend it to all my friends who go from relationship to relationship or who have never had a relationship at all, and I even gave my copy to my mother who is not only a widower of 20 years, she hasn't had a date that whole time too, and I urged her to read it because I really have faith in what the book says... I honestly think if she takes it to heart she'll find another great guy, even in her 50s, weather or not she uses Eharmony.com. It's not a difficult read, it's pretty interesting, and you can read a few pages every night before bed if you really have no time. I seriously suggest reading it, and especially seriously considering what it has to say and taking it to heart.
And good luck, I hope things work out the way you're hoping they will.
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 10:52 pm
OMG!!!! I know how you feel...... to get married and have house full of children is all i really want. All of my true friends are graduating this year and i won't get to see them much because some of them are going to college and others are moving back home and then others are getting full time jobs.
Most of my friends have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or both. and i haven't got anyone. I'm really flirty and people tell me im sweet and kind. But no one is interested. My saddest part is that i have never had anyone express intrest in me ever... yeah i have more or less whore myself out to get a guy to like me. but i hated doing that. It wasn't the real me, but my need for something that resemble love was stronger then my need for being me. Those relationships ended badly and i no longer talk to either guys even though at one time both of them were my friends.
as for the no one will love you till you love yourself part, its crappy. people told me that so i decided just to give up.... which seems to work quite well until my friends show up with their bf or gf. I get upset when they talk about their bf/gf. So basically i screwed if i do and screwed if i don't.....
Not a good way to look at things i know but i needed the rant.
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