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 Posted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 8:31 pm
I need help with a title for this poem here. I dont know what i should call it so ill just let you read it and tell me what you think the name should be.
I just have
One more thing to say,
this one mere thought
just wont drift away.
It assails my mind,
disturbs my sleep.
It's gone and made nightmares
out of my dreams.
This thought it torments me,
why cant you see?
Life is heaven for you,
It's hellish for me!
I dream of perversions,
decadence, fame!
Of lusts and blood,
and dances with flame.
Immortality's woes,
like diamonds in dust.
Beautiful men, beautiful women,
Mortality's Lust!
My thoughts turn to you.
Your Body! Your Hair!
Like flame in the wind,
singeing the air.
Delicate limbs,
Lips so soft.
You're a goddess among ants,
we should hold you aloft!
Yet in my mids eye
I see you with me.
I want you as mine
and I know, It should be!
I'm sorry, ma chere,
You're not leaving tonight.
For now, you are mine.
It is such a delight!
Call me evil, cruel, the devil.
Your voice, it's so sweet!
From now on there is no one else.
There is only you....and me.
well, there it is. Watcha think? I want to know wha tyou think about it and what you think i should call it. Have at it!
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 10:35 am
I've no clue what you should call it but I like it a lot! heart
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 7:53 pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 30, 2007 3:29 pm
You could improve the flow of this poem a bit in places, I suggest going over it again, reading very slowly and perhaps aloud, to fix the places where the flow went awry.
As for a title, I don't think you should take a title from any of us, becuase that diminishes it from being your own. Think about what you want this poem to say, what it should imply, what it meant to you. Then, a title should be easy.
But overall, it was good. There are some good instances of imagrey in there.
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Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 2:48 am
Hmm, I partially agree with Spastic, but at the same time, I don't know if the flow was really disturbed. True, it didn't hold true to the syllable patterns (the term's escaped my mind at the moment) or rhyme schemes, but with the shift of thoughts, I felt the flows changed to fit it.
But then again, I don't delve that much into poetry, so what I said is my own personal thought...as for a name, I agree with Spastic, it should be something you create. Maybe think of a word that comes to your mind when reading this poem, and go from there...
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Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 8:13 pm
sweatdrop well, uh, the first thing that comes to mind is the word "Lust". But that might seem a little...i dont know. Of course, i also wrote one called Rape so i am beginning to notice a pattern.
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Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 7:59 pm
It is very well written, and I like it alot. I'm not sure of what you can call it, there are so many possiblities.
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