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Dr. Cox: "Either this guy has a lightbulb stuck up his a** or his colon has a bright idea."

PFhahahahaa.
YES.




Or.

"I love this moment I want to have sex with it."

--later--
"This moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of little moments."

Dr. Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here --

he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Mrs. Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.

Doug is furiously taking notes.

J.D.: Doug!!! Stop writing and go!

Doug whimpers and runs off.

Dr. Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative.
The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family.
Great to see you kids. All the best!

DOCTOR COX RULES!! twisted twisted

The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.

I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible so I don't overstate it: Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet. And may, in fact, be Satan, himself.

No "last one"? 'Cause the last ones are better than sex, trust me, I've had about a thousand of them.

Well, he obviously hasn't told you about my ear-flicking policy, has he. [he sits up on the couch and faces Elliot] Look! This whole "groovy guidance counselor" thing you people seem to have working is a total fantasy. I'm not that guy, you can go and ask anybody. Now, you've got to leave me alone, or I'll punish you.

Listen, cookie, you've been here over a month. This is Medicine 101: I don't want every little thing run by me; [she attempts to interrupt him, but he continues, while smiling occasionally at Mrs. Guerrero] I don't wanna give you my two cents' worth. But if you ever do wanna know my opinion, rest assured it will always be that you're an incredible pain and that every time I see your kew-pie-doll face, it just makes me wanna pick you up and shake you until all the hours of my life that you've wasted...fall out. Now laugh.

That TIPS procedure was for Mrs. Blitt down in 103. You see, she doesn't have insurance; Mr. Martinez, on the other hand, had great insurance. Should I talk slower or go get a nurse who speaks fluent moron?

For the record, no, I'm not a hypocrite for being here. What's your pathetic excuse, you whiny, little suck-up.

Run, junior -- daddy's home!

Okay, Linus, you're way too excited; I want you to get your blankie, go in a corner, and take a time-out. [referencing the x-ray] Non-displaced femoral fracture... Carla's mom's gonna be fine.

I'm gonna go ahead and do this just as slowly as possible so you don't misunderstand: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Newbie, stay! Ohh, what a good boy you are.... Dear God, Judy, how much product do ya use?

Yeah. Quick tip, there, sports-star -- when you're defensive about your feminine side, it just makes you seem more girly.

Oh, yeah, I was actually just planning on doing that...never.

Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....

In case you were wondering, it says, "If you can read this, you're standing too close."

Hey, don't be embarrassed about staring at my a**. You're only human, baby, and everybody does, anyway.

No. Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to actually date me?

You know, Bob, I've been thinking about all the times that you've manipulated me and toyed with me, and, well, I can't help but recall that children's fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-a** chief of medicine that everybody hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-a** chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him; but right at the end -- gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened, Bob -- the tortoise bit clean-through the chief of medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive, right there on the racetrack. It's a...disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me, nonetheles

Yak, schmack, the lips stay zipped.

Gosh, I'm sorry, nervous guy, but I just can't do your work for you. But, what do you say you head on down to the library and look it up in the New England Journal of Who Gives a Rat's a**? You've got to leave this instant - this second - this moment. Just go.

You know, Newbie, it's so interesting -- I found I couldn't sleep last night, so, in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays "hump day" and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies.

Hey, Ghandi. For your information, I attended that poor vegetable's funeral every single time I set foot in his room over the last six weeks. Thank God the family finally moved him over to Surgery, where you guys were good enough to help him kick that nasty oxygen habit he had once and for all.

Well, top of my head, I'd have to say it's because he's suffering. But, of course, I love the poetry of someone putting himself way up on a pedestal and then getting knocked the hell back down into this puddle of self-hated...with the rest of us.

You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong and that the patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry, and then he's going back to work. You think anybody else in that room is going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves, that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun -- we do it so we can get by...and sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing.

All right, fair enough, here's your chance -- two identical patients. I say we divide 'em up, just like in 'The Parent Trap'. One goes with the sexy, free-wheeling, bachelor dad -- hello; the other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually-repressed mom -- oh, just you all over.

Ahhh, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn't I? That _wonderful_ time of year when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind and make sweet, elbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy! You can tell Uncle Coxie about the naught-aye!

So, you went over to your [air quotes] "friend's" house, and cried on his shoulder -- boo-hoo, wah -- and you, of course, comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable, and blah...blah...blah...nerdy sex. The end. Dear Lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?

[imitating a wispy, upper-crust voice of a nature documentary narrator] Hark, it is the high-pitched warble of the nosy nelly! Don't see many of those flitting about these halls anymore because, well, quite frankly, when one does -- [cocks an imaginary shot gun] -- one shoots to kill.

Jordan, be reasonable. If you're incubating some kind of man-bat in there, we should find out about it as soon as possible -- there are vaccinations to consider.

Nine pounds in a _week_!? Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your _ass_ off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery. And all that a person has to do, really, is -- oh, I don't know -- go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that!?! And I know, I know, here I'm supposed to be Dr. Give A Crap, but you wanna know the God's honest truth? And this is a fact -- you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn'cha!

Fine, Newbie! Let me--let me tell you a little story. It starts every day at 5 in the morning -- which is just about the time that you're setting your hair for work -- when I am awakened by a sound: Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? Nooo! That's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big that I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy. But, I go ahead and dig in; because I do love the lad and, well gosh, you know me, I'm a giver. And [whistles] I'm off to the hospital, where my cup runneth over with both quality colleagues, such as yourself, and a proverbial clown-car full of sick people. But, what the hey, my pay is about the same as guys who break rocks with other rocks and I only have to work three or four hundred hours a week, so, so far I'm a pretty happy camper! And then I head back home where I'm greeted by the faint musk of baby vomit in a house that used to smell like, well...nothing! Nothing! Nothing! I-i-in fact it used to smell like nothing at all. And all I want to do before I restart this whole glorious cycle is, you know, maybe lay on the couch and have a beer and watch some SportsCenter and, I'm if I'm not too sweaty from the days labors, stick my hand right down my pants, buuut apparently that's not in Jordan's definition of "pulling your weight".So, uh, there you are, superstar. Fix that.

Ohhhhh, my little newbie-doobie-doo! Say, that whole "telling Jordan how I feel" thing just went terrific, thank you for that. Now I need a place to crash. Where's Naomi's bedroom? [Turk points] Good night, roomies.

I swear to God, Carla, if one more annoying thing comes my way, please just go ahead and extract some of that extra air out of Barbie's head and inject it right into my veins!

Check out Barbie bo-hody slamming big Bob! Atta girl!

Yeah, I make it a point to never enter a shrink's office unless I'm planning on grossly overpaying somebody for telling me something that I already know.

I LOVE when JD says "G-Darn."
Hahah.
I say it sometimes, now. <3

Pfhahaa.

JD- Rowdy no.

I love the perfect delivery of that line. heart