|
|
|
|
|
|
|
OptimisticallyPessimistic
|
 Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 5:14 pm
Come back to haunt me,
I don't mind at all.
I may refuse and cry,
beg, ask you not to stall,
but please,
don't leave.
I couldn't bear the pain
to lose you again.
Come back to torture me,
I don't mind at all.
Break me down to my bones,
Reduce me to a pitiful crawl,
but please,
don't leave.
I couldn't bear the pain
to lose you again.
I don't care
if I never breathe once more.
I couldn't bear the pain
to lose you again.
Feedback anyone?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 6:31 pm
Hmmm...Interesting feeling to it, but you need to get a stronger beet...^.-
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
OptimisticallyPessimistic
|
Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 9:41 pm
Meh. That's my style. Not very consistent. Thanks for the comment though.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 2:31 am
I like the use of repitition, and over-all I think it's a good poem. Though I'm unsure about the ''again'' following straight after the ''pain'', I dont know what it is about it, it just seems... Uneven... I dont know, it's the only way I can think to describe it.. Oh, and I think it would serve better if each line had the same amount of syllables. To give it a better flow to it, you know?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
OptimisticallyPessimistic
|
Posted: Tue Jan 23, 2007 2:33 pm
Yeah! Thanks. I was going for more of a staccato feel, you know? Guess that didn't work out! sweatdrop
Thanks for the comment though.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
