ok. so heres the deal.
lately I've self diagnosed myself with paranoia, depression, manic depression (or bi-polar disorder) and.. I dunno, self image issues? Like an eating disorder, except, minus the eating disorder, I think.
Well heres how my story goes.
My Dad has anger problems. Maybe hes just drunk when he has his, erm, "outbursts", but my dad loves to just be really angry and mean and flip out sometimes. Hes usually incredibly shy and anti-social, too.
My mom has anger problems too, but not so much as my dad, more of, a crazy b***h sorta thing.
My family also has a history or Depression, my sister attempted suicide when she was younger, 9th or 10th grade I think. My other sister went through a small bout with depression, but it wasn't anything severe.
Well then theres me. I think I have paranoia. I usually am convinced my closest friends go behind my back and s**t talk me. It used to be a lot worse, but I think I have less friends now then I used to sweatdrop sweatdrop
I also think I have depression, and or manic depression. There are days when I'm in such a glorious, glorious mood. Chippy, cheerful, delightful, you know, just like, glowing happy. I say hi to everyone, I give everyone hugs. Usually for no particular reason, just good mood. The next day I can end up extremely angry. Cursing people out who want to say hello, ripping apart notebooks in school, giving everyone dirty looks. And then I can wake up the next day, ridiculasly sad. No reason at all, just, upset. I'll be dreary, not want to talk to anyone, and just... not be happy.
Sometimes I'm in a bad mood for some reason, like an ex decided to be an a*****e. Sometimes its irrational.
One day, I was in a bad mood and ripped the heads off of some stuffed animals, screamed my lungs out, and I couldn't figure out why I was angry. Nothing bad hapened to me, I should have been happy, I just couldn't figure it out.
And depression. Well, its less severe than it used to be, like my paranoia. But sometimes, it just comes, like, for a few months, I'll be profusley sad. Everything is pointless, life is pain, and yes, I've been known to cut myself. Please, please I don't wanna hear the whole bit on cutting, please. I just figured its a detail to add. Sometimes though, I cut myself for no particular reason, and I can't figure out why, I just kinda see my razor, and then cut myself.
I think my depression has turned into an anger problem though. I said before that day when I ripped the heads off the stuffed animals. That happens a lot to me, the only reason I defined that as bi-polar was because the next day I was in a ridiculasly great mood. But mainly, I tend to be angry about EVERYTHING. For no real reason, just angry, moody, cranky and mean, and I hate it. (Yet, if I'm not having a bad day, I tend to be one of those, sweet, loving, :gimme a hugggg: type of people).
Ok.
Self image issues.
I'm 14, 115 last time I checked and about... oh. 5'3? 5'4?
I think I'm so fat.
My thighs, fat.
My stomach, fat.
The thing is, though, I can see my ribs, mostly on my back. But I have a bit of belly, and some days I'm fine with myself. Other days, I look at my stomach, I don't even know if its really a belly, but I look at it and im on the verge of tears cuz I hate it so much, and then I get angry cuz I feel selfish and vain.
Then there are the days I look in the mirror, I see my face and say, aw hi chelsea!
Then I look in the mirror, and I have to turn away and I get mad at myself for being so ugly. Like I can't even look. I almost cry because I hate my face so much, I think I'm so ridiculasly ugly. My friends say, no Chelsea, your really pretty, your beautiful, and I really think they're lying so I don't feel bad.
I decided that I eat too much, too. When I'm bored or sad, I eat. So I try not to eat food really at all. But when I eat then I eat so much, I have like, a little bit of everything, and then Ieat a meal, and its so much food and I hate food so much yet I eat it and I hate it so much I hate food I hate food. As I type this I am like, hyperventalating cuz I hate food and I hate thinking about eating and then I feel fat and then I just... freak out. I know being fat isn't bad, I know I sound so... awful. Honestly I think being really skinny is gross, but just though of having fat rolls... it makes me so ... scared. I hate saying that, but I can't help it. I feel so vain, but I'm just afraid. I'm not saying I'm perfect and skinny and oh fat people suck, everyone should look like me. But like, a healthy weight for most people, its just... I dunno. I just don't want it on me, I feel like I need to be skinnier.
So I guess you should know about my build. I was one of those, born skinny people. My friends tell me I'm lucky because I have no stomach yet I have boobs and an a**. I guess thats enough.
But I don't know why I'm so self concious. Is that really normal, or is it some sort of eating disorder?
And I think, well more like sure I have anger problems. Does anyone know how I can cope with them?
And does anyone else think I might have manic depression? Or if you know the symptoms, can you post them?
Thank you. Sorry its so long... sweatdrop sweatdrop
lately I've self diagnosed myself with paranoia, depression, manic depression (or bi-polar disorder) and.. I dunno, self image issues? Like an eating disorder, except, minus the eating disorder, I think.
Well heres how my story goes.
My Dad has anger problems. Maybe hes just drunk when he has his, erm, "outbursts", but my dad loves to just be really angry and mean and flip out sometimes. Hes usually incredibly shy and anti-social, too.
My mom has anger problems too, but not so much as my dad, more of, a crazy b***h sorta thing.
My family also has a history or Depression, my sister attempted suicide when she was younger, 9th or 10th grade I think. My other sister went through a small bout with depression, but it wasn't anything severe.
Well then theres me. I think I have paranoia. I usually am convinced my closest friends go behind my back and s**t talk me. It used to be a lot worse, but I think I have less friends now then I used to sweatdrop sweatdrop
I also think I have depression, and or manic depression. There are days when I'm in such a glorious, glorious mood. Chippy, cheerful, delightful, you know, just like, glowing happy. I say hi to everyone, I give everyone hugs. Usually for no particular reason, just good mood. The next day I can end up extremely angry. Cursing people out who want to say hello, ripping apart notebooks in school, giving everyone dirty looks. And then I can wake up the next day, ridiculasly sad. No reason at all, just, upset. I'll be dreary, not want to talk to anyone, and just... not be happy.
Sometimes I'm in a bad mood for some reason, like an ex decided to be an a*****e. Sometimes its irrational.
One day, I was in a bad mood and ripped the heads off of some stuffed animals, screamed my lungs out, and I couldn't figure out why I was angry. Nothing bad hapened to me, I should have been happy, I just couldn't figure it out.
And depression. Well, its less severe than it used to be, like my paranoia. But sometimes, it just comes, like, for a few months, I'll be profusley sad. Everything is pointless, life is pain, and yes, I've been known to cut myself. Please, please I don't wanna hear the whole bit on cutting, please. I just figured its a detail to add. Sometimes though, I cut myself for no particular reason, and I can't figure out why, I just kinda see my razor, and then cut myself.
I think my depression has turned into an anger problem though. I said before that day when I ripped the heads off the stuffed animals. That happens a lot to me, the only reason I defined that as bi-polar was because the next day I was in a ridiculasly great mood. But mainly, I tend to be angry about EVERYTHING. For no real reason, just angry, moody, cranky and mean, and I hate it. (Yet, if I'm not having a bad day, I tend to be one of those, sweet, loving, :gimme a hugggg: type of people).
Ok.
Self image issues.
I'm 14, 115 last time I checked and about... oh. 5'3? 5'4?
I think I'm so fat.
My thighs, fat.
My stomach, fat.
The thing is, though, I can see my ribs, mostly on my back. But I have a bit of belly, and some days I'm fine with myself. Other days, I look at my stomach, I don't even know if its really a belly, but I look at it and im on the verge of tears cuz I hate it so much, and then I get angry cuz I feel selfish and vain.
Then there are the days I look in the mirror, I see my face and say, aw hi chelsea!
Then I look in the mirror, and I have to turn away and I get mad at myself for being so ugly. Like I can't even look. I almost cry because I hate my face so much, I think I'm so ridiculasly ugly. My friends say, no Chelsea, your really pretty, your beautiful, and I really think they're lying so I don't feel bad.
I decided that I eat too much, too. When I'm bored or sad, I eat. So I try not to eat food really at all. But when I eat then I eat so much, I have like, a little bit of everything, and then Ieat a meal, and its so much food and I hate food so much yet I eat it and I hate it so much I hate food I hate food. As I type this I am like, hyperventalating cuz I hate food and I hate thinking about eating and then I feel fat and then I just... freak out. I know being fat isn't bad, I know I sound so... awful. Honestly I think being really skinny is gross, but just though of having fat rolls... it makes me so ... scared. I hate saying that, but I can't help it. I feel so vain, but I'm just afraid. I'm not saying I'm perfect and skinny and oh fat people suck, everyone should look like me. But like, a healthy weight for most people, its just... I dunno. I just don't want it on me, I feel like I need to be skinnier.
So I guess you should know about my build. I was one of those, born skinny people. My friends tell me I'm lucky because I have no stomach yet I have boobs and an a**. I guess thats enough.
But I don't know why I'm so self concious. Is that really normal, or is it some sort of eating disorder?
And I think, well more like sure I have anger problems. Does anyone know how I can cope with them?
And does anyone else think I might have manic depression? Or if you know the symptoms, can you post them?
Thank you. Sorry its so long... sweatdrop sweatdrop
