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I struggle with something. It is a struggle that I don't expect any of you to really understand. This thing I struggle with...I hate it with everything I am. I hate every fiber of it. I am ashamed of it. I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of what it might lead me to do. I am scared.

I believe that it is the most twisted thing in the world.

Understand that I love the Lord, and I strive to know Him more every day. That is why I am able to keep myself from doing anything that this struggle might cause me to do. I know it is wrong, and I know that I need to trust in God. Never before have the words, "the Lord is my refuge" meant more to me than in these past few years. He is my hiding place, and He has been my strength. He has helped me to stand where I am. Without Him...I can't even think about where I would be.

You're probably thinking, "Oh it's probably not as bad as he thinks. My friend thought he was the worst person in the world for lying a couple times."

You might be surprised.

I have spent hours and hours thinking about the cause of this; about why it came to afflict me. First, I think that God had something to do with it...cause without this struggle, I would not realize how much I need Him. It has ironically brought me far closer to Him, because it shows me how powerless I am, and how much I need to rely on God. But also, after much thinking, I have identified other possible causes that would be an addition to that. It has partly to do with the way that my body has changed in the past few years that I don't like. I'm now tall, very scrawny, with acne, with wavy-curly-ish hair......and just kinda awkward looking. A few years ago, I was short, acne-less, longer, straighter hair (which I treasured too much...causing grief when it curled), and looked...less awkward...and I suppose one might say "cuter". And so now, I'm dissatisfied with my looks, and look at pictures of myself a few years back, wishing I could look like that again. Obviously, this is a problem in of itself. I pray that God would help me just accept the way I am, cause He made me that way. And He has helped. But I keep finding myself coming back to the photo album, and yearning to be like I used to...as I did a couple hours ago.

That's not the problem. Remember that that is just one of the likely causes. Now it might make a little more sense.

Again, understand that I in no way like this struggle, and I NEVER in my LIFE would have ASKED FOR IT!!!

(For those of you who are still reading, I thank you so much)

Okay, so here is what I struggle with. (I think I've kept you waiting long enough). I find myself attracted to males.....young......males......as in.....the same age I was before I started changing. As in....12....ish....year old......males.... (or maybe sometimes younger....and sometimes older....) (I'm now 16) crying crying crying crying crying crying

In other words....I'm attracted to children. gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying

AND I HATE IT SO MUCH!!!!!!! scream scream scream scream scream scream scream scream scream scream

I'm just glad I've never acted upon it.

And it's always those with long, straight-ish hair. (Remember? I used to have longer and straighter hair when I was that age? That's one of the big hints that it has something to do with that.)

(I'm also sometimes attracted to males the same age as me)

I sooooo glad I've never acted upon these feelings!

Though....once....I did look at...............................gay pornography with some....younger looking males in it.... crying crying crying crying crying (I'm so ashamed! But I'll NEVER do it again!!! scream )

And that is and will remain the worst I'll ever do! And I will continue to look to God for guidance and healing and strength.

Please....please pray for me.

I needed to get this out of the darkness and into the light.

(And I don't want ANYBODY telling me that "It's alright to be that way if it makes you happy." Although I don't think I'll hear to much of that anyway. sweatdrop )

(And please don't hate me for it. I hate myself enough for it. I never asked for this, and I don't like it in the LEAST.)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........it stinks. gonk

Thanks for praying. biggrin

Oh yeah, I know that. I am already a follower of Christ, and I have a great relationship with Him. He has helped me immensly in this. By posting this, I was thinking that I really needed to bring this out of the darkness, where Satan wants it, and into the light, where people can help and provide prayer, which can be very powerful.

It is when I am with God that I have no trouble with this at all. But when I begin to stray from His presence, temptation and lust jumps in, and I begin to really struggle. But I am so shameful of it, and I hate it so much, that whenever it begins to take control, I run to the Lord, and ask for His help. In that way, this thorn in my flesh, if you will, has shown me how much I need God, and has brought me closer and closer to Him. Ironic, huh? It's like when Paul said, in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10,



So in a way, it's been helping me, but it is still a very disgusting thing, and I hate it, and I am scared to death of what might happen if I somehow fall away from God, and really really screw things up. I won't only hurt myself, but somebody else. That's the real problem here: the unclear future.

Thank you for praying! I'm bad at praying, and often forget who I'm supposed to pray for, and...yeah. So thanks for the prayers, it means a lot, and it can do a lot. biggrin

Amen, just keep looking to God for strength and He will give it to you.

Please keep praying. Sometimes this burden feels too heavy. I am disgusted when I catch myself looking at a boy with lust. You have no idea.


I keep trying to find a light
On my own apart from you
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish ting I do

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only proves to confirm my suspiscion
That I am still a man in need of a savior.

I wanna be in the light, as You are in the light.
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light

This disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my skin
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

Tell me what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior!
This only proves the confirm my suspiscions
That I am still a man in need of a savior!

I wanna be in the light, as You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

Honesty becomes me (there's nothing left to loose)
Of secrets that did wrong me (your presents are diffused)
Threat has no position (riches have no worth)
Of Him that once did cover me (has been sentanced to this earth)

I wanna be in the light, as You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light, and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

There is no other place I'd rather be
No other place that I can see
A place to be
That's just right for me

It's gonna be, it's gonna be
In the light, as You are in the light
It's where I need to be
That's right were I need to be.

-"In the Light" by dc Talk

Thank you guys. biggrin

A really, i mean REALLY good thing is that you recognize the problem and want to change it. And truly, praying to God always helps. I cannot count how many times God has helped me through my struggles. I am pretty sure that if you are sincere about changing and truly ask God for help, He will help you.