Welcome to Gaia! ::

The Gaian Community Sniper Game: Officially Closed.

Back to Guilds

 

 

Reply The GCD Sniper Game
Critique?

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

DeGei

PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:02 pm


First off Gratz Taka.

I had entry 12 and I was the only vote. What was wrong with it for future reference? I'm just curious.
app repost
APPLICATION #12

There was a chill in the air as the wind blew. The sun had set merely minutes ago, but it felt as cold as midnight. It was one of those nights that reminds a person of what winter was about, but most Gaians barely noticed. The thing causing them to shiver was the recent outbreaks of murders in the area, and to make things worse, there were two killers instead of one. The site of Merumiharu and Nymphie that first night had been horrible, but last nights public display of Sendryl being pulled apart by the clockhands of the bell tower may have beat it, even without Surrecrux being shot during the panic.
But that was in the past, and everyone was gathering at the Gambino Mansion. The group had been working some clues and everyone knew one person was going to be arrested. Well almost everyone, that person obviously, did not. They filed in from the cold and gathered in the main hall, several heaters had been setup for comfort. Gambino appeared with the Zurg mother at a podium.
"I THINK WE'VE ALL HAD ENOUGH, RIGHT!?" Johnny shouted to the crowd.
"YEAH!" They replied in unison.
"Bring the accused forward!" Johnny said as one person was shoved from the crowd landing on his knees, confused.
"KASHI! YOU ARE ACCUSED OF MURDER! TAKE HIM AWAY! BWA HA HA HA HA!"
Kashi struggled to plee for his life as several officers pulled him back into the night.
Gambino stepped back from the podium and began to converse with the Zurg Mother.
The crowd began to nervously stir small groups forming to talk and chatter, some asking if it was really over. Slowly the began to spread out in the hall, some seeking out heaters and other looking for chairs. The truth was no one wanted to leave, it just felt safer.
Kashi was hurrled into the Jail cell, his boney-helm clunking against the floor. Padme helped him two his feet, "shhh, there is something here." Kashi just starred back as a shadow darted across the room.
"Whatsthat?" Kashi whispered.
"The thing in here, I dont know what." Padme replied.
Neither of them moved, they stood together watching the dark. The resembled a pillar in the moonlight, silent and steady. Neither would sleep until the sun had arisen.
Back at the gathering things were lightening up and several people had left. Johnny had stepped out to check somethings but Mother still stood at the podium watching. Johnny suddenly reappeared, slamming a door open in his wake. Several people jumped and Mother Zurg even fell forward onto the podium. Edmund of H.R. Wesley and Edmond Dantes charged the stairs to assist the alien tycoon. They reached the green one the same time as Johnny, but Mother hadnt moved. The crowd watched as suddenly Mother leapt up onto the podium and kicked Edmond Dantes backwards down the stairs before collapsing off the balcony itself. The crowd ran forward reaching Edmond and Mother at the same time. Two wooden crosses crashed down onto of the motionless alien.
"OMG IT WAS A PUPPET!" Someone screamed as they looked upwards to see a person dart from the highest level of the hall.
"After them qui..." Someone else tried to say but was silenced by the lights shutting off.
The entire crowd murmered to itself pulling in, but a load noise pierced the air and a flash of light accompanied it.
"OH SHI...SNIPER!" was the cry this time.
The lights flickered back on and Johnny K. Gambino Stumbled down the stairs coming to a standing stop at the bottom. At his feet was Edmond Dantes, his eyes glazing over, dead from his fall down the stairs.
"BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Nothing can stop me!" Johnny exclaimed, "The G-Team warned me BWA HA HA HA HA!" Johnny's hand raised revealing a shattered Pocket watch with a bullet in it. The crowd clapped, The most powerful man in Gaia, lived up to his title once more.
Later that night, Leon had grave news to report, BakaTulip and Nantooski had been found dead. It appeared as if they had wandered out onto the snow and ice covered lake by accident and found a patch of thin ice. Unfortuately, Logan wasnt fishing or they might of been saved. They were added to the obituaries.
`Kashi has been Jailed
Edmond Dantes has been Killed
Johnny K. Gambino was saved from Sniping by G-Team
BakaTulip and Nantooski have gone Inactive.

And please try and focus on the positive. This is a building exercise, not a Demolition exercise.
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:04 pm


I didn't vote for it because it had [NPC]s in it. It's just more fun with GCDers.
Question: Why the hands of the clocktower? (Sweet idea, though.)
domokun heart domokun

Sendryl

Dapper Member


DeGei

PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:12 pm


Sendryl
I didn't vote for it because it had [NPC]s in it. It's just more fun with GCDers.
Question: Why the hands of the clocktower? (Sweet idea, though.)
domokun heart domokun

These things just come to me. Maybe C L O C Kwise(is too lazy to finish) was the killer. ninja

And now it will be stolen again and again. Because all my good ideas are.
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:56 pm


.+:{User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.}:+.

The NPC's are what did it for me. :/ That's what we have fanfics and storyline for. Oh and I dont know if this came into effect but it looked like a wall of text. Just line seperation could have done lots.

Merumiharu

IRL Cat

14,075 Points
  • Mega Tipsy 100
  • Jack-pot 100
  • Sausage Fest 200

Sendryl

Dapper Member

PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:57 pm


Yeah, Meru's right, too.
domokun heart domokun
PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 7:54 pm


I wasn't around to vote or anything, but the NPC's might have been a little to much of a liberty to take, and I obviously wouldn't have died from a fall down soem stairs. Mabey give me amnesia, like in those crappy soaps, but not death. I thought it was pretty good though. All in all good work, now we need to get you back working on that fan fic.

Edmond Dantes


DeGei

PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 7:58 pm


Edmond Dantes
I wasn't around to vote or anything, but the NPC's might have been a little to much of a liberty to take, and I obviously wouldn't have died from a fall down soem stairs. Mabey give me amnesia, like in those crappy soaps, but not death. I thought it was pretty good though. All in all good work, now we need to get you back working on that fan fic.

You fell over backwards and broke your neck. I kinda didnt make that clear. Making note to make sure everything is clear.
PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:00 pm


Main thing that was mentioned before is spacing and NPC's. The lack of spacing makes it seem like it's longer than it really is, and not everyone likes NPCs to be used. :/

But mostly the spacing.

Insomnesiac


Edmond Dantes

PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:02 pm


DeGei
Edmond Dantes
I wasn't around to vote or anything, but the NPC's might have been a little to much of a liberty to take, and I obviously wouldn't have died from a fall down soem stairs. Mabey give me amnesia, like in those crappy soaps, but not death. I thought it was pretty good though. All in all good work, now we need to get you back working on that fan fic.

You fell over backwards and broke your neck. I kinda didnt make that clear. Making note to make sure everything is clear.
I didn't see anything about breaking of the neck, but it's ok, I was only saying that in a joking manner.
Reply
The GCD Sniper Game

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum